24/11/2009

I’m getting ready to go to bed. I was going to sleep earlier but as usual I decided to wait to see if my ‘ex’ ( I’ll call him King from now on because his real name roughly means that) would come online. I waited on Skype, Yahoo…nothing. I know that he works late into the night but I just wait because sometimes he just comes online earlier than I expected. In short, it’s hard to know with him. He doesn’t live in UK and we have a two-hour time difference. It’s hard to say where or what we are now. All I know is that most of the times when he comes online we end up having cyber sex and I end up going to bed thinking and dreaming about him, making things even worse for me because I know he doesnt feel the same way. I even know for a fact that he does this with other girls. So many of them. It was one of the reasons why what we had ended. I poured my heart out to him about how hurt I was. He retaliated by blaming me and his work/depression. He then asked me to give him time and forgive him, then we left it at that. Next thing I know, we are just saying ‘Hi honey, How are you?, Go on cam, You look sexy…e.t.c’. We dont talk about it. Deep down I know it’s over. The cyber sex is just that, but I can’t stop hoping. I know he is not right for me. He’s got so many issues. He’s a liar. He’s a cheat. He’s a manipulator. He’s controlling and emotionally abusive but I still hope. There is something terribly wrong with me. I even dream of being his wife. I think it’s the fact that I’m very lonely and no man is checking me out.

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23/11/2009

Today I got up at noon. On a Monday morning. I had no lectures so I took advantage of that. It’s been a habit for the past few weeks and I guess I am lucky because most of my lectures are in the afternoon. I even wake up at around half an hour to and just make a quick dash for it. If you ask me, I wish I couldn’t go, even though they’re very important. I didn’t do much over the weekend because I had no money. I never have money. I just went shopping for food and a pair of skinny jeans. The pair of jeans cost me £18 ( after getting a 10% student discount). I was left with £12 to buy food for one week. I don’t know how I do it but that’s the money I get to spend each week. Most of the times I don’t buy anything that will ‘waste’ this meagre amount . Food is the only thing I think about. I have to. If I don’t I might end up starving myself and falling ill ( which has happened a lot in the past two years than I care to remember)

I get the random comments about how fit my body is. Random questions of how I managed to lose weight. Well, I didn’t. It just happened and I think most of the times I’m not happy with the way my body looks. I hear people saying how much they struggled to lose weight and all I can think of is ‘It’s money, love. You have money, you can buy food. Any type of food. How about you try being poor? Barely affording two meals a day? Let’s see how fast you’ll lose that weight’. They disgust me sometimes.

So, after getting up at noon. I did some cleaning, had brunch and set off for uni to start my research on an essay due in seven days. I’m really not enthusiastic about this essay or the project that accompanies it in general but I’m hoping for the best. I dont know why but I seem to have luck with such things. I always end up with a pass, even after a great struggle and random feelings of failure. While doing research and reading, I kept remembering the dream I had last night. It was about my ex-boyfriend. Well, I wouldn’t exactly call him my ex-boyfriend because I’m not sure if what we had was a relationship. In the dream, we spent most of the time kissing and I spent most of it looking at him and feeling hopeless, used and lost…ugly even.