01/12/2009

I can’t recall the exact number of times I’ve cried this past weekend, and today. I usually hate Mondays but today was different because I handed in my last assignment. So that’s it. I’m done for this semester. I crash-landed, but at least I got there. I have about six more months and then it’s a wrap. My miserable excuse of a university life ends. Just like that. I’m still left with that question.What next? Another miserable existence? No prospects. No hope. No happiness. I don’t think I could do it. I pray things change. I’m looking for ways to change things.

I was looking back at my plans for next summer today. I want to do so many things but when I sit down to look at them and attempt to even start planning, I get that sunken feeling. The feeling that all my plans are going to fall apart. It won’t happen. I can’t afford it. I wish they would go away because I really want to do many things with my life.One thing that I’m certain about  is the fact that I will go to Italy. The Italian is the main reason for this but it doesn’t stop there.

I’m now wide awake in bed. I just finished watching a very touching Spanish drama called Princesses. It’s about two prostitutes and their struggles. All I can say is ‘Ain’t this life a bitch?’ I was also looking at some pictures of King on my computer. I had taken them when he was asleep. He looks so peaceful and content, I just found myself yearning for him again. I remember the night before I took those photos we had sex three times. I loved his stamina. His body too. I miss him and I’m not ashamed to admit that to myself or even to him. If only he realised how much hurt he caused me when he cheated. It’s funny  that he constantly says he wants to be loved yet when I came into his life, loved him and remained faithful he still messed it up. I guess a leopard never changes its spots.

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