07/12/2009

Be the person you want to be in a relationship with.

I’ve just heard those words. That statement must be the best piece of advice ever given. How is it that you are going to say “I want a man who is this and that” while you are not this and that yourself? How would you feel if this man said to you that he wanted you to be this and that, yet it is clear from looking at him that he is no where near this and that himself?

I should know this. I mean, I got this from King. He wanted me to be free of problems. He wanted me to be happy all the time, even when he was the source of my unhappiness. Even when it was plain for all to see that he was depressed and unmotivated, and he took that out on me. Me, the person that was also depressed and unmotivated. It was that vicious cycle we were in. So now I know: I’m NOT the person I want to be in a relationship with. I have so many things to sort out about myself. I have so many ugly things about me. So many issues. Yes, I constantly crave men who are way ahead of me, in a different league. I need to change. I need to be a better person. Change the things about me that are not so great, for the better. Only then, will I set out to look for a man.

My mind’s made up. I’m going off men for the next seven months. Until I graduate, until I sort myself out. I want to work, very hard, to make myself happy first. To go for what I want. To get it. To change what I don’t like, then I’ll see about getting into a relationship. I don’t want embarrassments anymore. I don’t want disappointments, heart breaks or a crushed spirit just because a man suddenly realises I’m not at a good place in life. I hope I’ll have the strength to do this. I’ll try my best not to let my loneliness and desperation get the better part of me. Men are not going  anywhere. They will always be around.

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