23/12/2009

I’ve been extraordinarily broody and depressed for the past few days. I have a good way of not showing it to my family ( mainly by keeping mum and watching too much TV or pretending to read a course book) I have this feeling tagging at my heart. It’s heavily weighing me down. I’m thinking about my future again. I can’t help but get scared.

I’ve spent three nights planning out different scenarios for my future. I’ve even got a plan Z! But…What if all these plans don’t work out? Will I be doomed to live a miserable life? To be honest, I was very positive after the mock interview because I was so sure what I wanted then…finally. I had gone to see my careers advisor and we had discussed so many things that I just found myself with a solid careers plan. I had also resolved to tackle some personal issues. This is where I mentioned about laying off the menfolk. Unfortunatley, I have a problem.

Actually I have TWO  major problems.

One, my mum just informed of some very disappointing news. She had problems with her (our) visa applications. No,  we were not planning on going anywhere. We ( the family) simply need something done with our visas. I will get to this part of my life in upcoming posts. The thing is, my mum has had to postpone her starting date at a new job ( a lucrative position at a top company) because she now has a case in her hands. Think of how I wouldn’t have to starve anymore.Or the numerous pairs of skinny jeans I would finally own.

Find lawyer. Meet lawyer at ungodly hours because said lawyer is uber swamped with a multitude of cases. Set a hearing date. Get numerous documents ( sometimes copies of the same thing over and over). Wait.

That’s all she’s been doing. She’s my hero. Her attitude to life is just so cheerful it’s unbelievable. She hasn’t gone into a panic attack, she hasn’t falling into a bottomless pit of depression. Nothing. As if I need to tell you that if this was me, I would probably have offed myself by now. It’s fucking ridiculous. My mother has worked and paid taxes in this country for the past eight years. Eight bloody legal years in this country and this is what she gets.

I must admit I’ve observed that she is mighty pissed. Not depressed, not wallowing in self-pity, but pissed off. She’s starting to think of asking the company to give her  an international position somewhere else in Europe or Australasia. This could mean moving to a new country. Now, as much as I said I want to get out and see the world, I don’t like the sound of this. This sounds so unstable. Basically, I wanted my base ( family et al) here in UK. While I travelled to wherever I wanted to, and lived, for a short period or longer. I just wanted to be able to come back to a place that is already established. End of.

My dad on the hand hasn’t taken this too well. He’s majorly stressed out about it and being weird and angry all the time. He trying a little bit, I give him that, to offer the support needed here. Looking at those documents a trillion times every single day. How glorious and beautiful is my life. Just lovely!

*Post about the menfolk to follow shortly.

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