16/01/2010

I feel really bad today. My friends are out for the night and I’m here in front of my laptop, trying to do something useful. I don’t have money so I can’t afford to go out tonight. I know it’s not really important but I feel like I’m missing a lot. The fact that my friends don’t know about this and obviously I can’t tell them drives me even more mad.

14/01/2010

Fish was the first person to send me a ‘happy new year’ text. It was a few minutes after mid night. I wasn’t expecting it. We had talked only twice since christmas eve. A few days later he called me to wish me a happy birthday. Our phone conversation sounded as if we’d know each other for sometime and this made me feel good about myself. Here was this guy that I just met. He didn’t know anything about me, yet we were on the phone chatting away like old friends. I really appreciated it. I do, however, want to take things slow. I don’t want to rush into anything because he’s a very decent guy and I would hate myself if for some reason it all turned into a big mess.

12/01/2010

I didn’t make any new year resolution simply because I believe in doing things when I feel like it. I’ve wasted a considerable amount of my life not going for the things I love, so I don’t need resolutions to push me. I will just get up and go for it. I’ve observed my behavior in the past few days and it seems I’m slowly growing up into a different person. It could be due to being a year older but I would like to think that the personal sessions of self-evaluation have really paid off. I find myself being more positive even when things are not on track. I find myself consciously making an effort to be happy. Making an effort to enjoy the little things in life. I love this.

For instance, yesterday my mum called me ( I’m back at uni) and started telling me off for not having agreed with my dad on a particular issue. Yes I did not agree with him. In fact, I blatantly refused to do what he told me to do. It was something to do with my as yet to be determined career. My mum insisted I should apologise and just say yes to his face (and do what I want later) because he’s going through a tough time and feels as if his children don’t look up to him anymore. I do not plan on doing that because I’m not interested in being a hypocrite. I’m an adult and I can choose what I want to do with my life, and I have the right to tell my parents of my position without any fear of upsetting them. I know we are going through a difficult time financially but that does not mean I can’t subscribe to different views from my parents. Afterall, I’m the one living my life and I know myself best. If I succeed, it’s for the good of all in the family.

09/01/2010

I’ve been thinking about the date I had with Fish. He wants us to meet again. I can’t wait. I like his character. He’s so serene and collected. Deep even. He wanted to know so much about me that I got a bit scared. I think I’m so used to giving attention to men and sacrificing myself to them that I’ve now forgotten how it feels to be taken care of. To be on the receiving end of someone’s genuine interest in me. He asked me if I was happy. I hesitated for a while. He looked me straight in the eye and asked me again. I just found myself rambling to him about my life (well, just a little bit of it). I’ve never been this honest to any man before. Never, in the past few miserable years of my life have I ever told any man I was unhappy.

I didn’t see this coming. One minute we were making jokes and laughing  away, the next I’m staring at him blankly wondering whether I should answer his question or not. He smiled at me afterwards and said, “You do realise that you don’t sound unhappy at all?” I don’t sound unhappy? Wow. Does that mean my efforts to try to be happy are paying off? Such that I don’t show it anymore. Such that I’m now at least able to enjoy the little things in life instead of retreating into my own world and being depressed. If that’s the case then  surely this is good news.

05/01/2010

My oh my…Fish! Swoooooon… I just love his voice.

It sounds like…like he deeply cares. I really do like this chap.