I had a very emotional time last night. I was talking to Fish and he asked me about my friends and whether I spend time with them i.e go out to clubs e.t.c. I didn’t know what to say. I’m torn between being honest and wanting to look normal good in his eyes. How do I start explaining to him that I don’t have any friends because I don’t have the money to hang out in their social circles. I want to be honest with. I’ve always wanted that but at the same time I want to take things very slowly. Yes, I told him some things. Some. Not everything. I feel…confused. I wanted to cry myself to sleep but I’ve done that so much, I don’t have the energy anymore.

I lied to him.

I told him that  I have friends that I hang out with and we always spend fun times together going out to clubs, having a few drinks e.t.c. I lied. I lied. I lied.

Am I the only one going through this? I need someone to just reach out and tell me I’m not alone because sometimes I feel like I am. Everyone seems to be happy. Everyone seems to have friends who they go out with and have fun. I’m not antisocial. I talk to people. I’m a very chatty person. I’ve just never been able, for the past few years to form solid friendships with anyone because I just couldn’t afford to fit in. I don’t have the money to spend on weekend shopping sprees. I can’t afford drinks when I go out. I don’t have anything. I’m scared. I feel like any man I meet will judge me on that basis. Why don’t you have friends? I dread that question. I don’t know when I’ll tell Fish. I just can’t stop worrying about this part of my life. I’m not fixated on pleasing any man. In fact, all this just makes me want to shut myself in my room and not meet any man for some time. All I need to know is that there is some man out there who’ll understand the type of woman I am. And, that, just because I havent made any friends in the past few years does not mean I am incapable of holding down a relationship, whether it  be platonic or otherwise, because I am not.



8 Responses to “”

  1. gekkogirl Says:

    of course you are normal 🙂 there are lots of people out there that do not have a lot of cash, especially at the moment. People are being laid off all the time.

    Fish (and others) might surprise you if you told them. Not everyone measures others on how much money they have. Good luck.

  2. I have my fingers crossed.

  3. freshlittlehands Says:

    Why would you let the fact that you dont have friends and cant afford to go out play a roll in whether or not a man will want to date you? These are two completly different elements!! One is about friends and the ability to go out with them and the other is about this Fish guy. lol. Girl, dont worry about it. you lied to him and i honestly think its best that when u guys see eachother again and he asks about your friends and what you guys did that weekend, that you just tell him the truth. Let him know that for some reason you cant seem to get a close group of friends going at the moment and that you believe its because youre tight on money. If he is an understanding man and not a DOUCHE, then he will understand. besides, times are tough now..not everybody can afford to do crazy shopping sprees on the weekends and afford drinks when they go out. please dont let the money factor keep you from making friends, it’ll shut you out compelty if you do.

  4. Thanks freshlittlehands! I appreciate the perspective you are coming from. If he does ask again, I’ll tell him. The way I see it right now, there is just no way around it.

  5. freshlittlehands Says:

    :] im glad i helped!

  6. Oh, honey, the best part of relationships is when the moment of truth comes… you choose to be honest… and then they love and accept you despite your truth (whatever it may be). Give him a chance to love and accept you for who you really are, and give yourself a chance for that too. It’s painful, but he (and you) just may come through with flying colors…

  7. whitney Says:

    I hear ya girl. I really do. Most of my posts lately have been about coming to terms with my choices to stay in; about how my money issues have been affecting my social life, my circle of friends, my sense of self-worth.

    Ugh, I hear ya.

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