23/02/2010

I feel so helpless sometimes. I want to talk about things and share some of my confused feelings with Fish but anytime I get close to doing that I get scared. I just met this guy over three months ago and as much as he’s nice to me I don’t want to feel like I’m nagging. Yesterday he was asking me about the future plans I had. I had once told him that I plan on moving away from UK, learn a foreign language fluently and probably live in that foreign country. I’ve got my eyes set on somewhere else in Europe. He asked me about those plans. I don’t know how to explain this but I feel as if he asked me this because he wanted at least to hear that  I have considered the option of living in his country. I might be getting ahead of myself here but I got this vibe from that question. I said my plans were still intact and then I wanted to go on explaining that I’m trying to lower my expectations a little bit especially in regards to a career that relates to my degree. I stopped however. I don’t want to be that girl. I want him to see me for who I am before he starts feeling sorry for me because he still doesn’t know 3/4 of the story. I’m also sacred of rejection. I don’t want to end up sharing my feelings and having a reaction from him that I didn’t expect or didn’t want. If I’m honest I’d love to say yes, I would love for a saviour scenario to play out here. For him to hear everything and still want me with all the complications. For him to tell me it’s going to be fine and always be there for me, to support me. Needless to say, this is the real world and sometimes people don’t just do that. I’m trying to save myself from pain. I’ve made a conscious decision not to put myself through pain as much as possible.

PS: Two days earlier we were talking online and I told him I had been crying that evening because I was so ill. He wished me well and then surprisingly  said,”I wish I was there to see that”.

“See me cry? Of course you don’t want to. It’s awful”, I replied.

“No, I think it’s sweet. I think you are an emotional person. I love emotional people”.

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3 Responses to “”


  1. Go at your own pace, but it sounds like he’s a “keeper.”

  2. sasammygirl Says:

    He sounds like…such a sweatheart. A ‘keeper’ perhaps, but it all depends. I don’t think anybody wants to be ‘that girl’ but sometimes the people with whom we love are worth it to be stereotypical. Because no matter how whored out the scenario may be, you’ll always know that…well, theres has never been a love exactly like yours.

    I wish I could offer you more than words, I apologize. I hope that this helps, Ta-Ta~!

    P.S. I’m sorry if I sound cheesy.

  3. gekkogirl Says:

    Not putting yourself through pain is fine and none of us want to do that, do we?

    Fish sounds lovely. He clearly thinks you are lovely.
    Now… you need to start believing it. x


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