05/03/2010

I’ve been very busy in the past few  two days working on my project. I needed this to keep myself from thinking about how much I’m going to miss Fish come April. We talked yesterday and I felt at ease because it didn’t feel like it was the end after all. He’s taught me the importance of being a perfectionist. Of wanting the best. I’m going to strive for that. My uni work seems to be going well if not a tad bit slow. I don’t know what it is with people in my university but no one seems to want to help. They are cocooned in their little cliques and if they don’t know you, they just won’t help. It’s unbelievable how frustrating this is, especially for a course like mine where working on a practical project, no matter how suited to an individual it is, one needs to have a little help here and there. I’ve just had about enough of it and I can’t wait to graduate. I have my fingers crossed that anyone I approach for help, will at least do so. I need a good grade because I really, in the literal sense can not afford to fail. I just need a degree to able to even at best hope for a different life from what I have right now.

Which brings me to something else: money. I’ve come to that point in my life where when I hear anyone say that money can not buy you happiness I get this sudden animalistic urge to smack them. That is a lie. Money can buy you happiness, fuck what you heard. I’m living proof. If you have money, you buy things that you love, you go to places you love. Subsequently, if you love something  that means it makes you happy. You a re happy. It’s as simple as that and I don’t want anyone telling me otherwise. In fact I’m starting to believe it’s only rich people who say this to poor people to keep them in their place. I will not be one of those poor people. I don’t want to be obscenely rich. I just want a decent life. Ugh. I hate being poor. Right now for instance I’m contemplating if I’ll have enough money to buy materials for my project. It’s ludicrous. There are bills coming my way in about two weeks. I have food to think of. This is not the kind of life anyone should be living and I don’t believe that anyone can be happy in my situation, I don’t care what explanations they give.

So, I’m going to bed hoping to wake up very early tomorrow so I can bury myself in work to prevent me from thinking about my life or money for that matter. My fridge is empty  and I’m not even sure I’m going to have a single proper meal tomorrow. My bank account, well I have £0.33 in balance.

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