I know I have a problem with ‘feeling left out’. The feeling that I’m not good enough or that a man someone will find other women people better than me. I think it’s  a result of my tragic relationship with King. It’s not a trust issue because I do trust people nor is it a jealous issue. It’s just something. It could be a self-esteem issue. I just don’t know. All I know is that whenever I have ‘episodes’ I just want to cry and run away somewhere. I guess admitting I have a problem is a good start. I hope can find a way of changing this complex,because I really would not like it to affect any relationship I have.


Saw Fish’s smile again (and his handsome face :-D) today for the first time in a while. Also ‘met’ his mum. God, the sight of that man makes my heart dance. I just can’t stop smiling. Our conversations have been very intense in the past few days. He now has about two weeks before the new assignment. I don’t know what today meant. I have a lot of things going on in my head but I don’t want to focus on that. I just want to think of his smile. Such a beautiful man.


The amount of creepy people walking around never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday my mother sent me email from my dad’s address and all I wanted to do after reading it was laugh out loud. My mum and dad live in each other’s mail boxes, they know each other’s passwords e.t.c. Apparently this shameless guy has been contacting my mum for a while now. It started on Facebook (my mum opened her account because she wanted to keep in touch with a member of a certain organisation she is doing research and writing articles for) five months ago. Facebook being Facebook, old friends and family started randomly adding her. This is where this guy found her. He added my brother first whom he’s never met, by this time I had deleted my account. Next, he added my mum. She ignored him. He added her again. She ignored him. He added her the third time with an accompanying message asking if he had disappointed her in any way. My mother ignored, did not reply and deleted her account promptly. Now can someone just say out loud: CREEP. My mother has never met this guy! Why is he randomly adding her and asking if she’s disappointed in him? I think there is something missing in his head. On top of that, it’s bloody annoying and disrespectful!

My mother chose not to tell me and not to focus on it because frankly she’ll be the one to tell you she has no time for such absurdity I was done and dusted with this guy around Christmas 2008. Christmas 2009 he sent a message, which was ignored. It seems he still doesn’t get the picture. He started emailing my dad! For fuck’s sake…my father! He found him on facebook…again. My father is there only for networking purposes, but somehow he managed to find him and tell him that he knows me and my brother, that he is now working e.t.c. Mate, nobody fucking cares! Well, since my dad didn’t know about him or that we were involved at one time, he just thought he was an old friends of his kids, so he entertained him and they continued communicating. Absolutely unbelievable. My mother just happened to hear my dad talk about this guy he met on facebook who was a friend of me and my brother and how he now works in country X e.t.c. He mentioned the name and my mum’s alarms went off. She crept into his email and address and there it was. Disgusting.

I told my mum to ignore him and leave dad alone. If he wants to continue talking to him about whatever, that’s his problem. I also told her not to mention that I was involved with him at some point. My dad now thinks it’s just another person he’s networking with e.t.c. WHAT. A. LOSER.


I’m thinking about not attending the graduation ceremony this summer. For several reasons. First, I just remembered an event that the family attended and my dad was really grumpy and uninspiring. I will not have that. I will not have other people see me in that situation. Second, I want to look my best at least for once in my three years in this place, but that seems very impossible. I wanted to save money to buy a nice summer dress and some nice heels but that too is not feasible because I have to save money for some other stuff that needs doing this summer, and as if I need to mention it, I don’t have a lot of money in the first place to save from. Third, I don’t have any friends, so while everyone will be catching up and being all jovial, I will just be standing there chatting to my parents, or rather just my mum if my dad happens to be in one of those moods. I can’t do that. I don’t want to put myself through that. I’ve decided this year it’s about striving for the best, if I can’t have the best, then I wont bother. I’ve always felt like I don’t fit in with the crowd at my uni. Obviously, due to all the things that I lack, material wise of course, otherwise what else? So, I will not let this fact be further illustrated on that day. The most important thing for me now is to complete my degree and pass. I want to begin a new phase of my life as soon as possible. I don’t care about anything else.


Had a day out yesterday. Went to the free museum in my town. Window shopped. Chilled out in the little sunshine there was. Generally had a good feeling all over.