I went to the library’s IT suites today with the intention of doing some catching up on some work I missed out on Friday on the university’s online learning facility. I sat in front of one of the computers and after a few seconds realised my account has been disabled. I immediately knew why. I owe some money. Normally when it gets to this time of the year when almost everyone has already paid there is usually no warnings or a grace period, your account just gets disabled until a payment is made. In the past I’ve always had to go to the account’s office and negotiate and promise to pay on a particular day before I was allowed into my account. Well, today I had no energy for that. I just couldn’t. I’m sick and tired of the humiliation. I hate to know that those people behind the desk at the office are looking at me and judging me. I had spoken to my mother about it during the weekend (she was supposed to make the payment) and she said the reason she didn’t is because she  didn’t have enough funds in her account when the cheque from the university came through, having just paid for some stuff my brother needed for school. It has to be until next week, meaning I can not log in to check my emails or book anything out from the university. Since I was not intending to go to the account’s office I decided to send a text to my mother and then go home. As I was sitting there doing this, this guy walked in. I wa texting and just happened to glance at the entrance door. I hadn’t seen him around in weeks. As usual my heart fluttered. He’s just reminds of King so much all I want to do is look at him. He walked towards the computers on the side I was sitting on and went to sit to the one next to me. Wow. I actually stopped texting and kept on stealing glances from the side of my eye. As he sat down, a girl leaned over to him. I realised this was the girl who was walking behind him. She hummed that song…loving you, is easy coz  you’re beautiful…a bit loudly while she waited as he got something from his bag and gave it to her.  She took it and leaned further to kiss him and then walked away. My heart sunk. Very low. I don’t know if I wanted to die or run away but at that moment my hands just randomly stopped texting and I sat there in a  haze for a few seconds. How fucking lovely. He has a girlfriend who thinks he’s beautiful. I think he’s beautiful too. I think he’s the most beautiful man around but of course I can’t have him. He doesn’t even know I exist. He wouldn’t even want someone like me. I was going to go immediately after texting but I decided to linger around just to watch him. So, there they were. Everyone was being happy with their girlfriends/boyfriends and then there was me: no money even the university has to suspend my account now and then to remind of this and no one to even so much as feign interest in me. I haven’t stopped thinking about this incident since. Fuck me, how lovely is my life?

3 Responses to “”

  1. bevchen Says:

    Having no money sucks 😦 I hope things get sorted soon.

  2. Yes, I also despise having no money.

    You will get through. Keep on, keepin’ on.

  3. […] all hope e.t.c. All those fucked up ‘I’ve been defeated feelings’.  Since about two weeks ago I’ve been unable to access my account until today. My mother finally called the finance […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: