31/05/2010

Fish turned 27  last week. There was no celebration because of his work commitments* so I just sent him a happy birthday message and wished him well. We hadn’t spoken in about two weeks so he asked if we could chat on messenger. We talked about stuff, mostly his work* and my uni projects.  Hearing  his voice, seeing his face…it’s just so beautiful. I really want this man.  As it is now, we are not in a relationship. We’ve never talked about the R word but there is something there. I can feel it and I know he can feel it too. I know he likes me. I don’t know how much but I think it’s a significant amount otherwise he wouldn’t be doing these things. Did I mention that he had to cancel a job interview to come and meet me for the first time?

The night before we met, we were chatting online and planning on when and where to meet when he mentioned that he had to call the company he was supposed to turn up for an interview the next morning. I wasn’t expecting that. He told me it was fine. In fact this is how he put it:

“The letter said I should call them if I had any emergency.”

“What’s the emergency  tomorrow then?”

“I want to come and meet you, so I can’t make it for the interview.”

“But it’s not an emergency,” I replied and laughed.

“Well it is. It’s an important day for me because I’m coming to meet you.”

“OK, but if the interview is important let me not disrupt you. Just go.”

“No, meeting you is important, not the interview.” he finished.

 I went into bed that night thinking this man meant business. Cancelling a job interview? But  here I am thinking and then what? He’s in a different country from me. What happens here? I don’t have a problem with LDRs but since we are not in a relationship, how do we make that step into one with the distance between us should things go that way? I’m really confused because I like him so much and I’m at that stage where I am scared of losing him. I keep thinking, ‘what if he meets someone else there? Someone more interesting than me?’.  He’s not mine yet but that’s how I feel. I promised myself I’ll do things right this time and be honest because the possibility of something happening is there  and if it doesn’t go that way, then I’ll try my best not to go crazy and still be friends with him because he really is very important to me. I’ve learned a lot from him. I want to keep him.

On the other hand I could be deluded. He probably doesn’t feel all that for me. I probably shouldn’t put all my hopes on us but my instinctints tell me otherwise and when this happens I’m almost always right.

*I’ll just go ahead and say what Fish does so you can understand exactly how the situation is. He’s in the army.

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29/05/2010

You see with this girl, we don’t talk anymore. More like she stopped talking to me. I got tired of her bossy ways, she caught on and stopped talking to me. I was especially pissed with the way the landlord treated her like she was the head of house. All the information about stuff in the house like when we’d have viewings (the house is on sale) or when the plumber would come to do repairs would be communicated to her. Not the other housemates, just her. Do I really care that much about who gets to be told what? No. I just like to feel that I also matter. I pay rent here, I don’t squat. I may not be able to afford some of those fine things she and her friends have but I make sure my rent is paid on time every month.

Does it bother me that she doesn’t speak to me? No. I’ve wasted so much time being nice to people in the past I think it’s time I started being selfish.

28/05/2010

I’ll tell you what I want to do now:

Have tons of sex.

Alright, maybe not tons of sex but I want a handsome boy by my side. We could talk about silly stuff and laugh or go out for a meal and later get drunk and come back home in the morning and stay in bed the whole day tomorrow.

Or we could watch a  movie, have dinner and an early night then wake up early tomorrow to go for a walk and a picnic, and then spend the evening blasting dance music as we get ready to go out.

What I’m saying really is that I feel lonely. Very lonely and I’m fed up of hearing people talking about what they did with their boyfriends. Or seeing couples walking hand in hand in this lovely weather or kissing at the beach like the two I saw yesterday who couldn’t get their hands off each other. I was at the beach in the evening, sleeping and pretending to sunbathe. Alone on my towel. Oh, I pretended to read too. Yeah, I was at the beach pretending to read  while checking out hot guys and inwardly sniggering at the loved up couples.

You know what made me go the beach? Waking up at 3 pm.

First I was up at 6 am. In terrible abdominal pain. No painkillers in my room so I got up to go to the kitchen to see if the other housemates had any;  nothing in the kitchen, so I went back to my room, tossed and turned until I fell asleep. When I woke up the pain was gone and it was a few minutes to 3. It was hot and sunny outside. I had planned to spend the day working on my assignment but I thought ‘fuck this, I’m going to the beach . I don’t care if I’ll stand out because I’m alone. I don’t care if nobody talks to me. I going the fucking beach.’

And I did. For two hours in my skimpy dress, I lay on my towel, pretended to read, walked by the shore, threw stones in the water, took pictures of myself. Alone. Nobody looked. Nobody talked to me. Nobody approached me. There were all loved up with their families, friends and boyfriends. Having BBQs and drinking. After two hours I left. Alone.

28/05/2010

A letter from the Royal Navy and Marines came through the post. Apparently they’ve tried to reach me on my phone (an unknown number has come through but I never pick those!). Now, I can’t for the life of me remember when I ever contacted these people for a  career in the navy. I don’t even know how to swim! OK, I’m taking classes but my progress dare I say is painfully slow. My arms keep sinking and I have this weird feeling that once I let go of the floats I’m going to bang my head on something. Very frustrating. Anyway, I sat in the kitchen having breakfast and laughing with the letter in my hand as I tried to rack my brain. I looked at the date 25th May, where was I on 25th May? On 25th May I had a very boring lecture in the morning and spent most of the day pretending to do research in the library. Just as I was about to give up, I saw at the end of the letter something about ‘if they can’t reach me then it will not be possible for them to give feedback to my careers office.’  Aha!

I know what happened. I went to the careers office at uni about five months ago. I wanted advice on how to find jobs related to my degree and with the skills that I have. I basically just needed someone to show me the way. They normally take student’s details just to check up on them after a year and find out what they are up to. What they didn’t tell me is that they also pass our details to potential employers. OK, that in itself is very good, but could they please pass these details to relevant employers?  Afterall I did leave the details of the course I’m doing and the particular skills I had and even went ahead to discuss at length the kind of field I wanted to get into. I mean, seriously, if they are going to do this they might as well do it right, not give student’s details out for them to be spammed.

22/05/2010

Can you believe me? I was reading The Mammoth Book Of Erotica at work yesterday. I  sat there behind the till reading it and having naughty thoughts while waiting for customers. Yeah, that’s how physically lonely I feel. Anyway, it was a good afternoon. The manager wasn’t there and I was left in charge of not only the place, but also of a new volunteer. So I showed her around and felt really important. She even thought I’d worked there for a long time and was very surprised to learn that it’s only been three weeks since I started. Yay 🙂 I like feeling useful.

I handed in my project. That’s me done. At this point any grade will do as long as it’s not a fail. We have a very small project coming up for about three weeks, so I hope I’ll scrape some marks from that to top up the overall grade. Other than that it’s summer. Very hot and I’m happy to show some skin 😛