11/05/2010

I’m pissed. Really pissed. I’m angry too. I’m tired. I want to give up. Lost all hope e.t.c. All those fucked up ‘I’ve been defeated feelings’.  Since about two weeks ago I’ve been unable to access my account until today. My mother finally called the finance office this morning and I was granted access. I’ve checked all the emails, missed lectures and I just want to scream. I want to scream and never stop and maybe run away somewhere. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. One of my tutors even had to send a letter asking me where I’ve been. She also emailed everyone on my course asking where I was. Worringly titled  ‘Has anyone seen **Dazedlittlemiss?’. I know these people don’t know about my financial situation with the university ( well, maybe they do but I believe only the finance office keeps this information) but I still feel humiliated. I feel inadequate. The deadline for my project hand in is Friday next week and I still have a large amount of unfinished work. It looks like I might make it just in time but I hate that I have to work on a harassed last-minute mode when I could have done this a week ago. Before my account was disabled, my plan was to have the work finished by at least this week and essentially spend next week resting before hand in. I know this is not my fault in any way but I just can’t help feeling useless. I’m trying my best here to be patient, to be focued and be positive about things but  it just doesn’t seem to be working. Everyone in my course seems to have everything under control. I even had a couple of guys from course go to Asia for their project for two months since March and even they made it back in time to start finalising it, even after being stranded for two weeks due to the volcanic ash. I really fucking hate my life. I really do. Not surprising I’ve been in a very foul mood. Pretty much didn’t do anything around the house in the past few days and this girl hasn’t bothered either so everything around here is looking like a dump. I really couldn’t be bothered wether the dished are pilling up on the sink right now. My mind is just clogged up. I spend most of the time spaced out, I can’t even bloody concetrate in public!

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