28/05/2010

I’ll tell you what I want to do now:

Have tons of sex.

Alright, maybe not tons of sex but I want a handsome boy by my side. We could talk about silly stuff and laugh or go out for a meal and later get drunk and come back home in the morning and stay in bed the whole day tomorrow.

Or we could watch a  movie, have dinner and an early night then wake up early tomorrow to go for a walk and a picnic, and then spend the evening blasting dance music as we get ready to go out.

What I’m saying really is that I feel lonely. Very lonely and I’m fed up of hearing people talking about what they did with their boyfriends. Or seeing couples walking hand in hand in this lovely weather or kissing at the beach like the two I saw yesterday who couldn’t get their hands off each other. I was at the beach in the evening, sleeping and pretending to sunbathe. Alone on my towel. Oh, I pretended to read too. Yeah, I was at the beach pretending to read  while checking out hot guys and inwardly sniggering at the loved up couples.

You know what made me go the beach? Waking up at 3 pm.

First I was up at 6 am. In terrible abdominal pain. No painkillers in my room so I got up to go to the kitchen to see if the other housemates had any;  nothing in the kitchen, so I went back to my room, tossed and turned until I fell asleep. When I woke up the pain was gone and it was a few minutes to 3. It was hot and sunny outside. I had planned to spend the day working on my assignment but I thought ‘fuck this, I’m going to the beach . I don’t care if I’ll stand out because I’m alone. I don’t care if nobody talks to me. I going the fucking beach.’

And I did. For two hours in my skimpy dress, I lay on my towel, pretended to read, walked by the shore, threw stones in the water, took pictures of myself. Alone. Nobody looked. Nobody talked to me. Nobody approached me. There were all loved up with their families, friends and boyfriends. Having BBQs and drinking. After two hours I left. Alone.

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3 Responses to “”


  1. I get like that sometimes, but you’ve done the best thing by getting up, thinking ‘fuck it’ and going out. I think it takes confidence to do things alone, especially where you think you might stand out alone.


  2. I know it does. Sometimes though it feels really impossible. I’m constantly aware I’m going to be alone and feel worried that people will notice that something is wrong.

  3. bevchen Says:

    Oooh, well done you for going alone!

    I get jealous of *those* couples too, and I’m in a relationship. I’m sure that says something about me that I’d rather not think about…


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