17/05/2010

Spoke to Fish this weekend. That made me smile. He kept calling me by name too, I don’t know why I guess he missed talking to me because I certainly did miss him a  lot. Things at his place of work are getting less hectic and it looks like I’ll be able to talk to him more starting from the end of June. Well, I’m looking forwards to that 🙂

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12/05/2010

I’m now at uni trying to finish work. Actually, I’m stuck. Very stuck. I don’t want to panic just yet. So, just wanted to blog about this piece of news. It’s currently dated three hours ago so I’m guessing it’s still breaking. When I first saw it my first thought was ‘Blimey girl, are things that bad?’ I mean this girl is all over the place, modelling this and that. Surely life couldn’t be that complicated? I’m glad that I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts despite all the problems I have. I guess it goes to show that you can’t have everything.

11/05/2010

I’m pissed. Really pissed. I’m angry too. I’m tired. I want to give up. Lost all hope e.t.c. All those fucked up ‘I’ve been defeated feelings’.  Since about two weeks ago I’ve been unable to access my account until today. My mother finally called the finance office this morning and I was granted access. I’ve checked all the emails, missed lectures and I just want to scream. I want to scream and never stop and maybe run away somewhere. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. One of my tutors even had to send a letter asking me where I’ve been. She also emailed everyone on my course asking where I was. Worringly titled  ‘Has anyone seen **Dazedlittlemiss?’. I know these people don’t know about my financial situation with the university ( well, maybe they do but I believe only the finance office keeps this information) but I still feel humiliated. I feel inadequate. The deadline for my project hand in is Friday next week and I still have a large amount of unfinished work. It looks like I might make it just in time but I hate that I have to work on a harassed last-minute mode when I could have done this a week ago. Before my account was disabled, my plan was to have the work finished by at least this week and essentially spend next week resting before hand in. I know this is not my fault in any way but I just can’t help feeling useless. I’m trying my best here to be patient, to be focued and be positive about things but  it just doesn’t seem to be working. Everyone in my course seems to have everything under control. I even had a couple of guys from course go to Asia for their project for two months since March and even they made it back in time to start finalising it, even after being stranded for two weeks due to the volcanic ash. I really fucking hate my life. I really do. Not surprising I’ve been in a very foul mood. Pretty much didn’t do anything around the house in the past few days and this girl hasn’t bothered either so everything around here is looking like a dump. I really couldn’t be bothered wether the dished are pilling up on the sink right now. My mind is just clogged up. I spend most of the time spaced out, I can’t even bloody concetrate in public!

06/05/2010

For some reason after my swimming lessons yesterday, I found myself opening the door to the men’s showers instead of the ladies’. Trust me, I don’t know where my mind was either. Luckily there was only one guy taking a shower with his back facing me (phew!) and there was one who was fully dressed and coming out. He was so nice about it.

“Nothing to worry about, it happens,” he said as he combed his hair.

“I’ll show you where yours are”

I thanked him and followed him. It’s refreshing how people can be so civilised. I’m also surprised that as much as the situation was embarrassing, I didn’t feel any embarrassment myself. I just apologised and said I was a bit confused that day, looked the bloke straight in the eye as if nothing had happened as he explained to me where to go. What a funny moment but I think I had too much in my mind to care about anything.