02/06/2010

I was thinking about the weekend chat I had with Fish. It was around 6 pm and I was in the kitchen cooking when he came online and asked to have a video conversation with me. I said yes and turned the webcam on. We started chatting, but I couldn’t stop thinking… 

 ‘Do I look alright? Is my hair messy? I’m wearing my hair in a different style from the one he told me he loved, is that OK?  Do I look less beautiful because of that? What about my face? Does he think I look good?

Just look at that. Am I that insecure? 

As we kept talking I thought,  ‘what the hell, I should stop worrying about how I look. He should like me in whatever hairstyle I’m in or whatever time of day it is.’  So I forgot about it until today. You know, I’m trying. I am really trying to be a confident person. It’s not easy but I’ve got better in the past few months, it’s just that sometimes these things creep up on me and take over me and sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Sometimes it’s really bad all I want to do is curl up at a corner in my room and stay there. Sometimes it feels like everyone in the world has it all except me. I feel as if nothing beautiful will ever happen to me and it scares me.

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