25/09/2010

Went out for lunch with BB yesterday. One pint later I started talking about my time at uni and my dad. So he asked, “Is that why you are seeing me? To rebel?”

“No, I’m seeing you because I like you,” I answered.

There was a brief pause. I looked at his eyes. God, I love those eyes. And his hands too.

Then he said, “You know I always miss you. When I don’t see you a lot during the week it’s not because I’m ignoring you. You are always on my mind. I just have  a lot of things to take care of. You do understand?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“I want to be with you all the time. You are very beautiful. Just understand that.”

“I do honestly.”

“OK, kiss?”

Smiles. Kisses.

Back to the food.

24/09/2010

A friend mine – probably the only one I made during my time at uni – called me all the way from her holiday in the Mediterranean to tell me how happy she was when she received her degree certificate last week. It made her feel like she had accomplished the most important thing in her life, she said. Did I feel that excitement of having accomplished something? Like really accomplished something? Yes, I told her. It’s a great feeling.

Of course I lied. There was no euphoric mood from me at any time last week because I did not receive my degree certificate. I owe the university £1500, and I won’t be getting that precious paper until I pay up. The phone call made me think, if only briefly, of  my dad. I really needed him to help me with this payment but he let me down. He  prefered instead to spend his summer days at home doing nothing. Let’s just say that this added to the amount of resentment that I already have for him. I don’t like to dwell on it much anyway, and thankfully, the university sent me a transcript so that will do for the time being,  incase  I need to show any proof of my grades. The plan is to pay in installments and be done by the end of December.

Fingers crossed.

16/09/2010

“I’m really sorry for the flying visit,” says BB as he slows down outside my house.

“I wasn’t expecting to have him today, but something’s come up and I have to spend the day with him.”

“I’ll have to think of a fun father and son activity before I get there,” he chuckles.

“Do you hate me?” he asks.

Of course I hate you. I hate that you are not organised. I hate that you are going to leave me disappointed and I’m going to spend the rest of the day thinking about you, while you go away and play happy daddy. Of course I hate you.

“No,” I answer and kiss him.

I get out of the car and head for my front door.

11/09/2010

I thought I had stuck a fork in it with BB, only for him to track me down. He’s of the numerous e-mail addresses. Turns out he’s separated *shuddering*. I’m not sure I can deal with all that baggage, what with my own heap to deal with. His baby though, is really beautiful. Definitely inherited his father’s mysterious green eyes and has the sweetest little smile in the world 🙂

With this sudden turn of events, I’m now left wondering,  ‘what exactly does he want from me?’ Sex? A short-term thing (sex and more but only for the short-term?) I don’t half understand the bloke. He tells me a lot about his life now and we seem to meet more often than before. I still like to think it’s just a physical thing mainly because I’m not in the position to start caring about a man with a baby. I’m simply not capable of that. It’s too much to deal with. He, however, knows that he can get what he wants from me. He’s better than me in most things. Better life, better job, status, nice car, more experience. He knows this and is using it to get want he wants. The saddest part is that I’m letting him do this to me because I feel at this point in my life, no sane man would want to be with me. It makes me want to cry just thinking of it that way.

08/09/2010

I’m positive of what I’m feeling now. Suicidal.

As it happens  I’m £3000 in debt and I…oh, fuck it! Too many problems I feel too helpless to list.