I’m a 21-year-old  21-and-10-months-old petite woman. By petite I mean in every sense of that word. My ‘ex’ King once felt the need to tell me that this turned him on. Let’s just say he was the domineering type. If you ask me, this worries me. I’m not sure if most men love small women.  It would appear they do, what with the biological hardwiring and  the primeval instincts I keep hearing about. Experience so far has proven positive anyway.

I tend to fantasize a lot. Sometimes I wonder if this is normal. I’ve almost stopped now, nothing good ever comes out of it, or to me, no matter how much I will or fantasize about it.  Currently my nights before falling asleep are spent imagining how my future life would be if I was Fish’s wife.   In short, I tend to get melodramatic on the emotion side of things. I don’t care anymore about love or emotions, it’s about survival now.

Due to some health and financial issues caused by a sudden turn of events in my family, I have trouble keeping my weight up. This does not help my case.  Recently learnt that calories have nothing to do with my small build. I only had to look at the past me to see this. An overall ‘D’oh’ moment. Oh, to think of the torture I put myself through. I wish I was a big girl. I’m starting to love myself the way I am so probably this doesn’t hold true. Plus, being small, almost every man feels like a giant and I like cuddling up to big men, and making love to them too, but I don’t get to do this a lot now. No, really this is not true in that way you are thinking.

As a result of said events, my life has been miserable. I’ve been in and out of depression and been reduced to a blubbing fool so many times I’ve lost count. It’s a miracle the thought of offing myself has never occurred to me.

I worry a lot too. About everything and nothing. Little things play in mind over and over. I can’t help it. I get scared about the things I’ve done wrong, the things I do or don’t deserve because I did something which I think was wrong. I worry about how people think of me, how they look at me. Everything.

‘I’m I being punished? What did I do wrong?’ is always going through my mind. Perpetually.

I needed to let it all out. I couldn’t (still can’t) talk to anyone about my life or how I feel so I do it here. This is my private journal where I can say absolutely anything, hence my choice to be anonymous.

I’m in my last year of university somewhere in the English countryside.  Graduate in June 2010 with a 2:1.

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12 Responses to “About me”

  1. CINDY ASHLEY MILLER Says:

    Tons of good luck in the future…Things will work out 4u. Hugs. 🙂

    Ooooo…thanx for ur comment on my blog, too.

  2. CINDY ASHLEY MILLER Says:

    ok…a few more… xx


  3. Hello there, just to say hi really 🙂 Also, I can identify with some of this since I have an Anxiety disorder. I finished university at the end of 2008, absolutely burnt out. Then part way through last year I developed a social anxiety disorder, or rather something that’s always been there intensified greatly. It wasn’t, I suppose, as serious as depression, but it has impacted on my life in a huge way. At it’s worst I essentially didn’t go out, and it’s been a slow process getting back on my feet, and I still have a way to go. I’m telling you this in the hope that it helps to know other people are struggling, that you’re not alone.
    I struggle to keep weight on too :p

    Anyway, take care, I wish you happiness 😀 -Hugs-


    • Hello!,

      Thanks for dropping by. Glad to hear someone knows how it can be sometimes. I do suffer from anxiety sometimes but not too much, most the times I can control it, so it just passes and it hasn’t been that big of a problem for me. And yes I know how depression can make you not want to do anything at all, but I’m trying my best to keep going.

      Thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement. 🙂

      x


      • That’s my pleasure 🙂
        I think it’s important to realise and remember that we are all people experiencing the same kind of things. Some of us experience them stronger, some shrug them off easier, but at the end of the day there is an underlying ‘human condition’. Life has it’s ups and downs for us all, no matter how perfect a life may seem from outside, nothing is truly perfect, and the trick to life is learning not to mind, rejoicing in the good things.

        Take care 😀

        x


      • Great words. Thanks 🙂

  4. Brennig Says:

    Hello. See? Comment and get a new reader. That’s blog love for you. 🙂

  5. Maxxy Says:

    Clicked through from Cindy’s site. Need to catch up on a few more entries so I can see what you’re all about.


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