About me

I’m a 21-year-old  21-and-10-months-old petite woman. By petite I mean in every sense of that word. My ‘ex’ King once felt the need to tell me that this turned him on. Let’s just say he was the domineering type. If you ask me, this worries me. I’m not sure if most men love small women.  It would appear they do, what with the biological hardwiring and  the primeval instincts I keep hearing about. Experience so far has proven positive anyway.

I tend to fantasize a lot. Sometimes I wonder if this is normal. I’ve almost stopped now, nothing good ever comes out of it, or to me, no matter how much I will or fantasize about it.  Currently my nights before falling asleep are spent imagining how my future life would be if I was Fish’s wife.   In short, I tend to get melodramatic on the emotion side of things. I don’t care anymore about love or emotions, it’s about survival now.

Due to some health and financial issues caused by a sudden turn of events in my family, I have trouble keeping my weight up. This does not help my case.  Recently learnt that calories have nothing to do with my small build. I only had to look at the past me to see this. An overall ‘D’oh’ moment. Oh, to think of the torture I put myself through. I wish I was a big girl. I’m starting to love myself the way I am so probably this doesn’t hold true. Plus, being small, almost every man feels like a giant and I like cuddling up to big men, and making love to them too, but I don’t get to do this a lot now. No, really this is not true in that way you are thinking.

As a result of said events, my life has been miserable. I’ve been in and out of depression and been reduced to a blubbing fool so many times I’ve lost count. It’s a miracle the thought of offing myself has never occurred to me.

I worry a lot too. About everything and nothing. Little things play in mind over and over. I can’t help it. I get scared about the things I’ve done wrong, the things I do or don’t deserve because I did something which I think was wrong. I worry about how people think of me, how they look at me. Everything.

‘I’m I being punished? What did I do wrong?’ is always going through my mind. Perpetually.

I needed to let it all out. I couldn’t (still can’t) talk to anyone about my life or how I feel so I do it here. This is my private journal where I can say absolutely anything, hence my choice to be anonymous.

I’m in my last year of university somewhere in the English countryside.  Graduate in June 2010 with a 2:1.