01/11/2010

Text from unknown number on 12/10/2010 at 08:40:

Morning ūüôā seen you gumtree¬†add! Wondered if you would be interested in massage¬†? ¬£60 per hour’ im cleam professional guy from [omitted town]

What??? I put an ad on gumtree¬†looking for work and some perv thinks he can score some? For a girl who has only ¬£10/week to spend, that offer is tantalizing but I don’t fancy my name appearing on Crimewatch.¬†Neither does the thought of selling my body give me comfort.

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29/10/2010

I live with a bunch of loonies Рwell some of them. Let me first eliminate the non-loonies:

A meat loving Brazilian couple who judged by their frequent mirth filled weekend evenings with visiting fellow countrymen seem to be a very fun-loving couple on restrain mode . Restrained because¬†in this¬† shared flat, they can’t always do what they want, and they too definitely – I can tell – consider some of the housemates loopy. The girl’s english is not well, as she told me. She’s probably 1.99% fluent.

Now to loony number one. She’s a witch. Honestly, even this petty¬†girl does not compare to her. Why am I even comparing? This witch¬†is,¬†in the literal sense, an old witch!¬†I can’t tell but I’m guessing ¬†she’ll ¬†soon¬† be welcoming her 60s. A fact that continues to puzzle me day on end. What is she doing here? Doesn’t she have a family? There was talk of a daughter and a son a while ago¬† but I didn’t get the details because at that point I had decided to switch off whenever we found each other in the kitchen or any other communal area. I never even say hello sometimes. It may sound harsh but her behaviour towards me has been very weird. I moved in and she¬† seemed so friendly, showing me around and telling me I was free to use her stuff in the kitchen as long as I cleaned everything afterwards.¬† I do this for about a week, next thing I know, she’s marching in the kitchen at every opportune moment muttering about ‘there’s somebody ‘ere stealing my things’ or ‘using my things without my permission’ at which moment I point that I don’t know who said¬†culprit is and I’m only using the things she let me use. My statement is then followed by a blank silence before either one of use walks back to their room. That bothered me but I reckoned at her age, her head was just doing things so I didn’t think any¬†think of it. You can imagine how pissed I was when she started accusing me of pilfering her food, and her other kitchen¬†paraphernalia. I¬†fumed and told¬† her where to put her stuff.

I mean, for the love of Jesus, just toddle off!¬†I literally starve these days, just about surviving on baked beans and frozen rice and then she comes at me with this stupidity. Fucking ridiculous. At this point I’ve got nothing to lose and I really can not tolerate bollocks because I’m just thinking about survival.

Once I stopped acknowledging her, she grasped a hint but alas, this hasn’t curbed her crazy. She still hovers around the house complaining about anything and everything to anyone who’ll tolerate her waffle. And she’s always going on about the cleaning, which, since I moved here , I’ve never seen her lift a finger to do!

Then there is the two Italian sisters with their penchant for taking up the whole¬† kitchen space preparing their meals. Oh, and their track suit wearing mother who’s been ‘visiting’ them since last month. Don’t get me wrong, but you don’t visit your daughters for a whole month knowing fully well they live in a cramped, and shared space. I mentioned this in an email to The Italian¬†on the first week I moved in and¬†he was quick to assure me that “we don’t behave like that in Italy¬†bella. We are very considerate people”.¬†¬†They are also very¬†loud. On a given day, if they feel like it, they would start at around 7 am in the morning…up and down the stairs, shouting, talking, shouting, talking, munching, blocking up the kitchen space, more talking and munching. One of the sisters is of the passive aggressive stock;¬†just like this annoying female, she leaves notes all over the house for people to read. I mean, what happened to talking to people about things in the house? She doesn’t seem to have a problem making noise for everyone the rest of the time!

Needless to say, I feel harassed when I’m somewhere in the house,¬†in the company of this lot.

21/10/2010

For two weeks I’ve heard only ¬£5 with me. I bought milk on Monday and spent ¬£2 on a Starbucks coffee while out with BB because he said to share, and I don’t want to look like a leech. But he knows I don’t have any money! So why would he ask that?

Yesterday evening I made fried rice, had it with baked beans and fish cakes. Random combination I know, but I’m eating everything that is in the house just to fill my body so that I don’t starve. Speaking of starving, I’ve had only one meal a day, for two weeks now. I don’t count breakfast because it’s useless. Sometimes it’s just two pieces of toast or a small slice of cheap cake. Oh, I spiced the rice with chillies and rosemary, just to make it taste…nicer?

I now have ¬£0.50 until next week when I get ¬£150 which I’ll have to pay ¬£120 towards my weekly rent, after that I’m supposed to economise the ¬£30 for about three weeks.

Reasons for all that?¬† I don’t have a job..again! And my mother’s left for work abroad, which was supposed¬†to bring a glimmer of hope in our lives but has turned into yet another source of trouble. There is a lot of paperwork to sort out before she starts getting paid – I was relying on this to keep me going for the time being. I feel like our family is going nowhere, every decision we make no matter how hopeful turns out to be a deadend or a massive struggle¬†before we see any ¬†payback. And I blame my dad! Yes my dad. I might sound like I’m putting too much on him, but there is a huge story I haven’t told on this blog about how he is the cause all of this to us. I’ll tell when all’s well. When this is just a nightmare of the past. But, when will that be? Next year? The year after? Probably never because things never seem to be OK with me.

I’m very scared now especially with my mum away. I have no one and morbid as this may sound but I worry about dying. Alone. Here in this pitiful state. Since she left I’ve heard numerous dizzy spells and felt so weak, I had to grab onto something when walking up and down the stairs of the new shared flat that I moved in. The flat where everyone seems to be cooking and consuming sumptuous dishes! Where I feel harassed. I get into the kitchen and it’s always a case of ‘don’t put that there, you must leave this here’…argh. I don’t care where the bloody vacuum¬†cleaner should be. Honestly.

With BB now I feel used, exploited, whatever other synonyms you know, use them here. I feel like I’m getting nothing out of it. He goes and comes when he pleases. But I’m needy. I literally have no one to talk to, and the little company and physical contact he gives me makes me feel human. Of course he doesn’t know how needy I am because I don’t show it. But, I’m falling apart.

I know I’ve heard very bad times in the past, but these so far are my darkest. I want so bad to get out of here, I’d give anything.

16/09/2010

“I’m really sorry for the flying visit,” says BB as he slows down outside my house.

“I wasn’t expecting to have him today, but something’s come up and I have to spend the day with him.”

“I’ll have to think of a fun father and son activity before I get there,” he chuckles.

“Do you hate me?” he asks.

Of course I hate you. I hate that you are not organised. I hate that you are going to leave me disappointed and I’m going to spend the rest of the day thinking about you, while you go away and play happy daddy. Of course I hate you.

“No,” I answer and kiss him.

I get out of the car and head for my front door.

11/09/2010

I thought I had stuck a fork in it with BB, only for him to track me down. He’s of the numerous e-mail addresses. Turns out he’s separated *shuddering*. I’m not sure I can deal with all that baggage, what with my own heap¬†to deal with. His baby though, is really beautiful. Definitely inherited his father’s mysterious green eyes and has the sweetest little smile in the world ūüôā

With this sudden turn of events, I’m now left wondering, ¬†‘what exactly does he want from me?’ Sex? A short-term thing (sex and more but only for the short-term?) I don’t half¬†understand the bloke. He tells me a lot about his life now and we seem to meet more often than before. I still like to think it’s just a physical thing mainly because I’m not in the position to start caring about a man with a baby. I’m simply not capable of that. It’s too much to deal with. He, however, knows that he can get what he wants from me. He’s better than me in most things. Better life, better job, status, nice car, more experience. He knows this and is using it to get want he wants. The saddest part is that I’m letting him do this to me because I feel at this point in my life, no sane man would want to be with me. It makes me want to cry just thinking of it that way.