30/07/2010

Before BB went ‘to see his dad in Wales’, we had a day out.

“Let’s meet at 12 pm.”

OK. But at 12 pm on a weekday? Aren’t you working?

I still turned up anyway. Mostly because I was feeling randy. I don’t know what I was expecting at noon on a weekday, but there he was in his office wear. The only thing missing was his tie. I got in his car, he kissed me and I instantly forgot about what he was wearing. There is a way in which he works his tongue. Belted and ready to go I heard:

“First, I’ve got to meet a work colleague and give him his car keys,”

“Where is he?” I asked, just to be polite. I really didn’t care. I just wanted him to myself and the sooner we got rid of said colleague the better. He mentioned a town 47  miles away. My heart sunk in disappointment and slight apprehension. Why did I have the feeling that this was going to be like the other ‘car breaks’ day? Even worse, it’s started before I could get any sort of action. Still, I figured I had nothing to do so I tried to fake some mild enthusiasm for this ‘road trip’.  He turns the radio up a bit, it starts raining and Kings Of Leon come on. It’s Closer and suddenly all I can think of is Fish.

Perfect car. Perfect weather. Perfect song. Perfect moment. Wrong boy.

He drives along and we are talking about stuff.  Raoul Moat, how many sexual partner’s we’ve had, anal sex, our favourite food and so on. All this time I’m asking myself questions. Does he really live in my town? Why is his colleague so many miles away? What kind of job does he do exactly? Does he even work where he says he does? We get to the town and he tells me he has to hand over the keys to his colleague at a Sainsbury’s store near a certain junction. He reaches for his satnav and I  feel slightly ashamed for getting over myself. Cleary, the guy doesn’t know his way around the town. In fact, we ended up spending 20 minutes looking for this junction. So I start to relax and after finding it he tells me to go somewhere, in a shopping centre or something and wait for him. Eeerm, right…you don’t want your work colleague to see me. There is no shopping centre, only a Next store. He suggests I wait for him there. I do. At this point I’m feeling particularly pathetic. I expected him to take about 10 to 15 minutes. 20 minutes gone, he’s nowhere to be seen. 25 minutes and I’m tremendously pissed off.

30 minutes. You bastard!

He turns up around 2 minutes past the half hour and we walk back to his car.

“If I see anyone I know, just ignore me. I’m supposed to be at work.”

I’m angry now. So, I get in the car and I remain silent for the better part of 10 minutes. He then mentions lunch and we stop at a Harvester pub mostly because he’s ravenous. Me? Not so much but I love Harvester grub so I cheer up a bit. We sit across each other and I look at this man in front of me. What I’m doing here? What is he thinking? While on our way to meet his colleague we stopped somewhere and indulged. A bit of sexy time. So I sit there thinking of how he was calling out my name before and look into his green eyes. He’s asking about my family. Who cooks the most? My dad I say, and then he goes on about loving slowly cooked home roast. I don’t listen. I just look into his green eyes. They are so beautiful.

Is he kind to her? I hope he spends a lot of time with his child. What is he like at home? What was he thinking when he first met me that afternoon? Did he plan it like this?

I mention that I don’t like plain peas. He says he loves peas in whatever form they come. He offers me a leaf of parsley from his plate to spice up my plain peas. We laugh. He starts telling me about his childhood. How they use to steal carrots with other boys. Was he a little boy once? It’s hard to imagine. I finish my food and I go to the toilet, come back and finish the last of the beer he was having, he pays the bill and we are out of there. I’m silent again. Very thoughtful. Half an hour later we are having sex and I’m sweating and holding on for dear life. I’m a screamer. Later, we both have some Fox’s Mints – my mum buys two packets a week – and he tells me his legs feel like jelly.

“You’ve worn me out,” he tells me and chuckles.

“You’ve worn yourself out,” I quip. He laughs and kisses me while doing that thing with his tongue. We part.

As I walk home, I think of Fish and I’m singing in my head…

…You, shimmy shook my bone
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own
What do you think of me
Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep…

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23/07/2010

Having downed a cocktail of medication after an afternoon spent browsing the high street with the most excruciating lower back pain and the mother of all headaches, I collapsed lifelessly on bed. I hoped to sleep soundly, but no, I spent about half an hour tossing and turning before falling asleep and dreaming about BB.

You see, I went and got myself in trouble. I started thinking about him all week, and then I couldn’t stop. The dream was only a matter of time.

What does this tell me? If I’m not careful, I’m going to get trapped here. For the love of God, I don’t want to be attached to this man! The photo in his wallet left a stale taste in my mouth. Suddenly, I stopped trusting him and even lost a little bit of respect for him.  I can’t see myself being affectionate to a man I don’t respect.

08/07/2010

So, I meet Barclays Boy at around noon, I get in his convertible (different car from the other day) and he’s driving his way through town, heading for the park he told me about and I’m thinking ‘God help me, I hope my mum does not see me, or worse my dad.’ Luckily, nothing of the sort happens and I let out a sigh of relief and take in the cool and crispy country air as we are finally out of town. Speeding away on a quiet country lane, I keep thinking of how  random our meeting was while he keeps glancing at me now and again.

We get to the park, he takes out the picnic stuff he brought and we walk along trying to find a secluded place to sit down. We finally find a little jetty which states clearly that it’s only for the fishermen and other members of the public are prohibited. We jump across the fence, cut through a little bush and go for it. We sit by the jetty and start talking about how beautiful it is while dangling our feet in the water, then he kisses me and grabs my waist to pull me closer. I close my eyes and we make out for a few minutes before having the drinks and chocolate he brought. We then continued talking about work, his and my yet-to-be-found job, sailing, surfing and my poor swimming skills. We stay there for about an  hour before heading to Starbucks for coffee.  He then informs me that he has to find something for his car breaks. I say something because I don’t know what, as soon as he mentioned car breaks I thought ‘meh, men and their cars’ and promptly stopped paying attention. We go to Halfords, Argos, Wilkinsons and they don’t  have this thing. Just as I’m about to tire of this man-shopping we eventually find it at B & Q.  We head to town where he drops me off after a long kissing session and we promise to meet on  Wednesday.

Now here’s how it is: I don’t fancy him and neither is he very attractive but I can work with that because I don’t want a relationship with him and he doesn’t seem to want one either. He didn’t give me his phone number and I’m not going to ask for it. He knows where I live and  I told him I live with my parents. I don’t know where he lives exactly. I don’t want to find out unless he takes me there himself. I’m going to keep this very simple. I’ll meet him next Wednesday as promised and if it leads to anything it’s going to be purely physical.

Now back to job hunting.

20/06/2010

It’s been what? Two weeks now? Just about.

Applications sent: I’ve lost count. I’ve lost count of all the job boards and CV sites I’ve registered myself. Lost count of all the recruitment agencies I’ve called and gone to register my details with. Lost count of all the companies I’ve cold called. I’m very shattered but still going strong. I told myself when I started this:

I’ll be damned if I don’t get what I want

Progress so far: Three responses, one which is very positive and might get me an interview at the beginning of July.

I even had to clean my perpetually messy room and rearrange it so that my reading desk can face the window where enough light was coming through as I decided to sit at my desk with my laptop while doing stuff instead of the usual culprits, the bed or the kitchen table. I need to feel ‘proper’, like I’m doing something.

Now, on to something else that I’ve always wanted to rant about

I am a very sexual person. I love sex, certainly not obsessed with it and can go without it but when it comes to being with someone I love the full sexual experience. I want to be with someone and feel his whole person, experience a fulfilling and mutual connection without any ‘what ifs and buts’, even if it is to last for only a few minutes, I want those few minutes to mean something. I’m the type of person who’ll look at a man I find attractive and think ‘by God, I want to do that man so bad’ but at the back of mind still think ‘if we get into a relationship, I’d stay with him for as along as it takes, even forever’

What am I saying? I’m saying that if I met a man today, found him appealing to me (doesn’t necessarily have to be attractive nor does it have to be love at first sight) I have the ability to have sex with him on that first encounter and yet be able to  enter into a relationship, if w both wanted,  where I’d be faithful and loyal to him. That is just the way I am. Call it a voracious sexual appetite , call it whatever you like but that is me. What I hate is for people to think that a woman can not be like that. That a woman, can not want to fuck a man’s brains out on that first encounter and still make a faithful partner. To me, that’s ridiculous. I’ve never cheated on any man in my life and I never will. I understand that society has an unwritten rule on women and their sexuality but  I like to have my own rules on this issue. The way I see it is, if I met a man and we got to know each other and he judged me solely on my sexual appetite and they way I went about it and he left me, then that’s his loss because he didn’t stay long enough to see how faithful and truthful I could be to him.

27/03/2010

Today I went for a walk. I must admit I do love the english countryside. It’s beautiful and when the country air just hits you  feel refreshed. My initial plan was to go to a very famous flower garden that I’ve been to once before…about two years ago but I got lost on the way there, so I decided to take a random wander. As much as I enjoyed this little walk, I was left very nostalgic. Two years ago I was living in a house of three men. One of them grew very close to me. I had just started uni, my depression was spiralling out of control, I was having difficulties keeping up with my course e.t.c and there he was. We use to sit and talk about everything: politics, relationships, cooking, world cultures. Just about everything. Every night we sat in the living room talking and laughing, sometimes watching the occasional movie on his laptop. Our house did not have any TV and the living room window directly faced a viaduct. He said he liked it that way. He said it made us more social. We could sit and talk to each other. I agreed despite my incurable addiction to the box. I loved everything about him. His hair (which he was growing out), his accent (He was from Poland), his hands, his beard (when he shaved I used to grab him from behind by the neck and pretend to be playing around, when all I wanted to do was feel the roughness of his beard on my hand). I can honestly say that this was (still is) the only man I had ever been close to in my life. The only man who I got along with. Ever. He was single and it was his last year of uni in UK. I was in  a long distance relationship. I was also naïve.  He started flirting with me. I flirted back  but I was always scared of things getting out of hand. I did not want to be unfaithful even though doubts about the relationship I was in had begun kicking in long before things got intense with this guy (I’ll call him P). P would come  home from uni everyday and either call out my name to see if I’m home and find out how I was doing, this would then be followed by him making me a cup of  tea and us sitting down for a chat, or upon seeing me in the living room  he would call out jokingly “Honey, I’m home.” We would laugh together. I used to sit across him sometimes in the house and he would look at me and I would feel as if  I was naked before him. Sometimes we would talk and then he would stop and look at me with those eyes. It got to a point where it was so intense and the only thing I could do was rush home to him. He was all I kept thinking about. I wanted him to make love to me. I looked at his hands and imagined how they’d feel on my body. I started deliberately doing things  so that I could touch him. I commented about his hair and  touched it. He did this too.

I remember one day we were at home with the other guys talking and laughing. It was really late. I said I was sleepy but didn’t want to go to bed. He joked and said that I must go to bed, because I was a child (he was six years older than me). I laughed and messed about and before I knew it he grabbed me by my waist and carried me upside down on his shoulders taking me to bed. I started screaming and laughing all the way. I’m not sure whether it was the intense feeling of pleasure I was getting from his hands on my waist and partly on my back or  the feeling of the house spinning as we got upstairs. At the door to my room I wanted and hoped he would come in. He put me down and as he did this, our bodies came together like we were hugging. I was going crazy inside. He patted me telling me to go and sleep and kissed me on my leg (random I know, he was very playful) I went to bed very happy. We went for walks together. We were together all the time. He told me about his work (he was  a design student) he told me about how since coming to UK he had confidence issues but he was getting better. We really spent a lot of time together. The day that he knew I had a boyfriend, he went a bit silent on me. I understood. Things again picked up but after many months the sexual tension took a toll on us. He started going cold on me. I did too, I guess as a form of payback. We had a last train journey together during the end of the winter term. I didn’t see him for a month, when we got back he kissed me on my cheek routine-like, a day later he told me he met someone. He told me as a matter of fact, like you would tell a friend in passing. He was on his phone texting when told me. He was so calm when he did it.

“We were supposed to have started something,” he said and smiled smugly.

“I’m just sending her a text. Maybe I’ll go to see her tonight,”

My heart sank. I sat there looking at him and all I could think of was how handsome he was. It should have been me. I should have been that girl he was texting. I should have been the one he was about to start something with. I just nodded, wished him luck and left him there. Days later he brought her home, they had dinner and went out. He brought her home some more. At this point he was ignoring me point-blank. Sometime he didn’t even say hi to me. I felt as if he was doing this just to spite me. He seemed to be overdoing things when she was around. The way they laughed. They way he talked (loudly) as if to  let me know what exactly was going on. I was so hurt. Really hurt. I can’t even begin to explain. Add this to the fact that at that time I badly wanted out of the relationship I was in.

The first time he brought her home and took her to his room (which was adjacent to mine) to have sex I cried. I cried so much I was taken by surprise. They were laughing and kissing loudly. I wanted to be that girl. Over time I came to learn that he had another girl in Poland. I didn’t know how this was working but he talked about it to the other guys in the house and somehow it felt as if he was in some sort of understanding with this girl he brought around. I don’t know whether the girl in Poland also had an understanding with him. It was all so confusing. I did sometimes have a slight feeling of relief whenever I thought about this. As if this girl had nothing on me, afterall she wasn’t the only one having him. My feelings for him never changed but we had stopped talking now. One day while everyone was in the house, he randomly came to the house and asked everyone to go for a walk with him and this girl, and another friend of his from Poland. I reluctantly said yes. We walked for a long time, got lost a long the way until we  finally got to this garden.

I retraced this path today. I walked along the quiet roads. Looked at all the places, flowers. Nothing has changed. They are just as they were when we were there.  I regret not taking the chance with P. I never stop thinking of what might have been. On the other hand I keep telling myself, maybe I would have ben hurt. On the walk we had I remember even though we hadn’t talked for sometime, he took a picture of me and showed it to everyone around. He said I looked nice. The girl looked at it and said yeah. I guess she just wanted to be polite. On the way back as I walked slowly behind, he urged me playfully to move faster. I don’t know maybe he missed me. Maybe he was punishing me for not giving him a chance. We went to a pub and I sat there with the others as he cuddled with the girl and they talked about how they didn’t sleep the previous night because they were busy with each other. I wanted to scream. We got back home and it was back to not talking to each other. I remember the last time I saw him. It was end of term. I was leaving to go see my parents, he was leaving for his graduation. A friend of his from Poland had come for the graduation and there was a lot of activity going on. He was smart in his black trousers and cream shirt adjusting his tie. He just came downstairs, wished me well in my life and went back upstairs to continue getting ready. Just like that, he was out of my life.