15/11/2010

Things I’m  learning about myself from this  ‘thing’ with BB:

  • I think about sex too much.
  • But I’m congenitally incapable of doing casual sex very well.
  • Because I’m too emotional a person. I need to feel I belong with a man. I need to be acknowledged on an emotional level. I also care too much. I wake up in the morning and wonder if he had a good night. I sit at home having lunch and wonder if he’s having lunch with his friends, alone? What is he having? Is he enjoying it? I listen to travel updates and ask myself whether he’s stuck in traffic somewhere bored out of his brain. When he gets home, is he happy to see his baby? Does he spend his weekends making funny faces and making him laugh?
  • Also because my PCOS drives me mad. Immediately after my period, unless I really trust someone  it can be quite an effort for me to have sex. Too many true and false PMS-esque symptoms during that time. And I just can’t sit someone down – someone who is essentially still not close to me and start explaining all my reproductive woes. I’d rather pass the sex itself at that time. So I worry a lot instead, mostly about him, not me. Mostly about how I seem not to be in the mood.
  • And what does that say about me? I’m pathetic. End of story. But of course I want  a very healthy relationship.  That I’m sure of. I may suffer from a terrible and great deal of low self-esteem and other great crazy but that’s one thing I’m sure of. That’s why I said no to Fish. I’m not at my best emotionally and if I said yes I would lose him – something I don’t want to do because I want him in my life. If he still wants me when I’m ‘healed’ then I think I will say yes. At the moment it’s ok for any other woman to have him, although there isn’t any yet.
  • I like and prefer intelligent men. I mean,  BB isn’t dim, but God knows we don’t have any mentally stimulating conversations. Of course I’m aware life is about compromise so I can compromise if a man brought something else to the table, like kindness, unconditional love, streetwiseness and money, yes money – don’t get me wrong but I’m a woman, I don’t just lay with anyone, there are consequences to think of, it’s nature. And I won’t be PC about it, in fact all women shouldn’t be PC about it. All women who pretend to be PC about money in regards to relationships want to have the good life to themselves and leave you out to dry. True story. So where was I? Yes, intelligence. An intelligent man is powerful to me. A powerful man turns me on. I have respect for a powerful man and in order for me to love a man I have to respect him. Money = Power too, that’s why I can compromise. A powerful man also makes me feel protected and taken care of. I feel safe in the company of a powerful man. I feel my future children will be safe with a powerful father. A powerful man doesn’t worry about his position in society so he doesn’t have time to have ‘issues’, instead he has the time to love me.
  • I need to be more kind to myself.
  • Unmasking myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable is actually good for me. Allowing people to see the real me and being honest about my situation is good for my personal growth. BB is the only person in a long time who has actually seen how bad my financial situation is. Most of the times I feel ashamed by what is essentially a situation that is not my fault, but what can I do? He still insists on seeing me, so that’s what he’ll see.
  • I am beautiful – I know this but I needed a reminder after a very long time. From the first day that he met me, BB told me that I was beautiful every single time we met. Every single time. He’s never stopped. No faffing around with words, he just says these exact words every single time: You are beautiful.
  • I like kissing men’s noses.

25/09/2010

Went out for lunch with BB yesterday. One pint later I started talking about my time at uni and my dad. So he asked, “Is that why you are seeing me? To rebel?”

“No, I’m seeing you because I like you,” I answered.

There was a brief pause. I looked at his eyes. God, I love those eyes. And his hands too.

Then he said, “You know I always miss you. When I don’t see you a lot during the week it’s not because I’m ignoring you. You are always on my mind. I just have  a lot of things to take care of. You do understand?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“I want to be with you all the time. You are very beautiful. Just understand that.”

“I do honestly.”

“OK, kiss?”

Smiles. Kisses.

Back to the food.

16/09/2010

“I’m really sorry for the flying visit,” says BB as he slows down outside my house.

“I wasn’t expecting to have him today, but something’s come up and I have to spend the day with him.”

“I’ll have to think of a fun father and son activity before I get there,” he chuckles.

“Do you hate me?” he asks.

Of course I hate you. I hate that you are not organised. I hate that you are going to leave me disappointed and I’m going to spend the rest of the day thinking about you, while you go away and play happy daddy. Of course I hate you.

“No,” I answer and kiss him.

I get out of the car and head for my front door.

11/09/2010

I thought I had stuck a fork in it with BB, only for him to track me down. He’s of the numerous e-mail addresses. Turns out he’s separated *shuddering*. I’m not sure I can deal with all that baggage, what with my own heap to deal with. His baby though, is really beautiful. Definitely inherited his father’s mysterious green eyes and has the sweetest little smile in the world 🙂

With this sudden turn of events, I’m now left wondering,  ‘what exactly does he want from me?’ Sex? A short-term thing (sex and more but only for the short-term?) I don’t half understand the bloke. He tells me a lot about his life now and we seem to meet more often than before. I still like to think it’s just a physical thing mainly because I’m not in the position to start caring about a man with a baby. I’m simply not capable of that. It’s too much to deal with. He, however, knows that he can get what he wants from me. He’s better than me in most things. Better life, better job, status, nice car, more experience. He knows this and is using it to get want he wants. The saddest part is that I’m letting him do this to me because I feel at this point in my life, no sane man would want to be with me. It makes me want to cry just thinking of it that way.

05/08/2010

So, Fish tells me that being in the army has made him change his outlook on life, hence ‘the proposal’, OK, however, he’s a perfectionist and I’m scared now that I’m too flawed.