12/11/2010

Text from unknown2 on 17/10/2010 at 07:38

Hi babes x

What’s with these shady men and early mornings? What would they do without gumtree? That time on a Sunday morning I’m usually  half slumbering half daydreaming about the 2.3 babies I’d like to have with a beautiful surfer boy and our winter holiday country pile in Switzerland.

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Text from unknown2 on 17/10/2010 at 09:13

R u awake babes x

No. Still feeding my babies.

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Text from unknown2 on 17/10/2010 at 10:22

Just taken the pic u asked 4 babes x

I don’t seem to remember replying to any of your texts, but goodluck with the gumtree trawling. Gotta go, my beautiful husband calling!

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Haven’t had as much as a buzz on my phone since then. And gumtree ad? Deleted! Can’t be dealing with this shit.

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05/10/2010

Good news

My mum’s got a new job. A better paying one. I guess I’ll be seeing my degree certificate sooner than I expected.

Bad news

Last Thursday I went to the city. The big bad city and came back home worringly depressed. I’m a country girl at heart and even though I’ve ‘done’ cities before , I haven’t been to one in about a year, so in essence I get a bit rattled by it. I was going to see someone at a company that was in the heart of the city. Well, I didn’t get to see them, instead I got lost.

I  found myself already tired after the long train journey to get there, add this to the fact that I forgot the map that I had printed out at home last-minute. So, after walking around in circles in the city centre and feeling my confidence plummet by the minute, I really had no choice but to queue at the tourist information centre. I had to because I think I was also starting to have panic attacks. Those élite city boys and girls waltzing past me made me feel this big. Coffees in their hands, dapper suits, getting in and out of fancy cars…that got to me. I started feeling as if everyone was looking at me and sniggering inwardly at how pathetic, poor and out of place I looked, so I had to go inside a building somewhere.

Queueing sheepishly and awkwardly and pretending to be a lost tourist, I asked for the directions. The woman behind the counter seemed nice, but not too nice in that she did not do her job. She checked an address book, wrote down the address and gave it to me. I mean, wasn’t she supposed to actually explain it? Like get up her chair and do some signs with her hands and really explain? Anyway I left. Walked for a further half an hour, felt like shit even more, almost came to tears, then found the place.

It was closed.

I made the long train journey back home, got in the house, and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later, had something really heavy to eat then spent the rest of the night wanting to cry and thinking about BB and those fancy people in the city. He’s probably one of them when he goes to work. The next day I couldn’t get up. I was so depressed that I felt aches all over me. I spent the entire day in bed, then got up to watch some TV and make dinner. Since I was so hungry, I made a quick meal to eat then put something in the oven to cook so I could save it for the next day. I went to bed and forgot about it, until the next morning! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I left the oven on overnight! Thankfully, it was a low setting and it was chicken that had not defrosted properly earlier on otherwise I’d have burned the house down.

That is the state of my mind.

24/09/2010

A friend mine – probably the only one I made during my time at uni – called me all the way from her holiday in the Mediterranean to tell me how happy she was when she received her degree certificate last week. It made her feel like she had accomplished the most important thing in her life, she said. Did I feel that excitement of having accomplished something? Like really accomplished something? Yes, I told her. It’s a great feeling.

Of course I lied. There was no euphoric mood from me at any time last week because I did not receive my degree certificate. I owe the university £1500, and I won’t be getting that precious paper until I pay up. The phone call made me think, if only briefly, of  my dad. I really needed him to help me with this payment but he let me down. He  prefered instead to spend his summer days at home doing nothing. Let’s just say that this added to the amount of resentment that I already have for him. I don’t like to dwell on it much anyway, and thankfully, the university sent me a transcript so that will do for the time being,  incase  I need to show any proof of my grades. The plan is to pay in installments and be done by the end of December.

Fingers crossed.

25/06/2010

I’m starting to think I have a magnet in me that once I attract a certain type, similar ones follow in droves. I mentioned about Fish being in the army here. Well, guess what? I spoke to The Italian over the weekend for the first time in months, and he’s in Afghanistan!  He was sent  there earlier this year, hence the lack of communication. His assignment ends in November which isn’t far away but judging from our conversations, he’s not liking it a lot, which is understandable given the situation there. I got a bit worried when he first told me about it but I like to be optimistic and hope for the best. The fact that his job is not exactly on the ‘dangerous’ list makes it easier to deal with I guess. He also made sure to remind me that the offer to visit him in Italy when he gets back still stands, the cheeky boy 😀

02/04/2010

I went out to town today to have lunch and read a book at Costa Coffee. My mum had given me an Easter present in the form of money for a meal out. The previous night I was really stressed and I couldn’t stop thinking about things; life, relationships e.t.c so I had gone to bed with a headache. I have also been experiencing the worst PMS episode ever. It came with terrible and I mean crippling breast pain. I considered going to the GP because I was getting scared but then I got advice from Bupa and NHS online that says this is normal for most women during this time, and that in fact stress makes it worse. Well, it seems I’m in a bottomless pit here. The only way to get out is to wait for the period to be over and try to control my stress levels.

Anyway.

So today, determined to feel good I got out of the house and got the bus. I normally get a discount because I have a student’s card but today I was told, counts as a bank holiday and students have to pay the normal fee. I had £40 in my purse. Having no more than the £1 coin I had expected to use, I whipped out a crisp £10 note and handed it to the driver. This driver by the way was an hour late! Yes, an hour late, operating on the Sunday timetable. That means, there was no bus to town for two hours. I stood freezing and mildly rained on at the bus stop for 40 minutes waiting for the bus. Right, with the £10 handed, the driver said he had no change so he gave me a ticket voucher  and a few coins. I grasped the voucher and the coins in my hand, looked at it for a few seconds. I was confused because I could see it seemed less than what I was expecting to get. He thought I’d never seen these credit vouchers, so he started explaining to me what they were. I told him I knew that. I went to sit down, so that I could count properly. I checked what was supposed to be given back to me on the calculator in my phone and turned it out I was right. He gave me less change. I decided to wait for a stop where someone was getting off to ask him about this.

I did. He denied giving me less change. He said he was pretty sure I gave him £5. He insisted. I tried to be calm about it, but I couldn’t so I started raising my voice. He kept saying that wasn’t true. I asked him why did he think that I would lie? Afterall I agreed to pay the huge ‘normal people’ fare. He kept denying it. At this time I was so furious so I turned to everyone on the bus and asked,

“Did anyone see me give him £10?,” they looked at me as if I was speaking in tongues. A woman at the front said she couldn’t know because she just got in after me. The rest kept quiet. I sighed turned to the driver and continued.

“You are not getting away with this. I gave you ten pounds.”

“Well, you have to wait until I clock off at the end of my shift and if I turn up with an extra five-pound note, then you will get it back”

“So, what do I do before then, do I just wait? I want to speak to headquarters and report about this.” I finished.

He told me to sit down and wait for us to get to the end of the route, where he promised we would discuss it. At the end of the route, I waited for everyone to get off and then went to him. He got a complaint form out and filled in my details and my contact number. I was so pissed at this point I was practically shouting at him. Afterwards he said he would leave this at the office and if an extra five pounds turns up then they would know its mine and call me and I would get it back. I said how could I be sure this would happen. He said to call the customer service number on the timetable outside the bus and tell them  about the incidence and that he took my details. I got out of the bus, promptly took the number on the timetable and called. The main countrywide office was open but the regional one was closed. I decided to save this number. I’m going to try calling tomorrow because I see they open on Saturdays, if not then it has to be Tuesday. I walked down to the high street and I couldn’t help it but start crying. I was so overwhelmed, so I decided to sit down on one of the town centre benches to catch my breath. Here I was, trying to feel good and then this. What a downer on my moods. I also started saving £10 a week since last month, so this has set me back. Why is it that I want to do something to change my life, or really to just change a single day in my life and something like this has to happen? What exactly did I do wrong? You would expect, it being Good Friday and all that goodwill would fall upon all mankind, no matter how undeserving, being that Jesus died today to save all men e.t.c. Or do I have to wait for the resurrection day on Easter Sunday for things to be extra fine for me?

I did learn something about myself today though: I’m very feisty. I’m sure those people on the bus didn’t expect a little looking girl like me to kick up such a fuss. I think that’s my strong point. And I promise you, if he hadn’t been so civilised as to tell me to wait to get to the end of the route to take my details I would’ve thrown a bloody tantrum and wrecked havoc in that fucking bus. I will not take bullshit from anyone, especially since I put with so much crap in my personal life. So, instead of a meal out, I went for a hot chocolate at Costa, tried to read, I couldn’t. I was just feeling awful. After the hot chocolate,  I went to get some ingredients for pancakes and a bottle of vodka, which I’m downing right now as I type this. What a lovely day that was, eh?

Despite all the nastiness I get in my life, I always try to find something good,even if it’s really insignificant, so today the highlight of this crappy day was the skin head I saw while waiting for the bus. He looked like he was fresh out of This Is England. He had a clean-shaven head, red combat-like boots, jeans rolled up to the near the knees, and red suspender like belts hanging from his waist. He bought a  sandwich from a shop, got out and started eating it while throwing out the tomatoes on the road. he didn’t have a care in the world and looked like he could do some mean things to someone but then juxtaposed with this is the fact that he also looked so handsome and harmless. I couldn’t stop looking at him. I could see beneath the tough guy surface that this guy had the potential to be really nice. I concluded that he must be rather ignorant and set in his ways. I thought if maybe he hanged out with a  different crowd and probably went to university e.t.c, he would now be cruising right past me in his expensive car while I stood there waiting for the bus. I smiled.