01/08/2010

A few days after this, I woke up one morning very livid. The last person I spoke to the previous night was Fish and he had somehow approached a very significant landmark with me so I decided I was going to put an end to the bullshit. I was going  to do some investigation on BB. Alas, I didn’t so much as start when I got not only one but three emails from him. Wasn’t he supposed to be with his dad in Wales? Feeling even more perplexed I opened them. One was an automated email to connect with him on messenger. Not going to happen! The second one was him asking how I was doing and that he was hoping we would see each other soon, the third one was specific, asking me on the exact days I was going to be free to meet him. Oh, so he was calling the shots now? OK, from the beginning I let him call the shots – afterall he found me – but on this particular day something had already snapped and I wanted to show him that he couldn’t just get his way when he wanted, so I sent a reply after two days. I said I was available but didn’t give a specific time. He sent a reply a day later apologising for the late response (after one day? was he desperate for a quick shag?) and he  mentioned two days that he was free, about a week from the days I said I was available. Again, I let it sit while I pondered on the next step to take. Two hours later he sent another email saying he was in fact available for ‘a little bit’ the next day. Growing increasingly pissed off, I just let this one sit as well. Two days later I replied to the emails saying the only time I would be available would be during  the weekend. I did this just to see what he would say because it seemed weird that the only time he wanted to meet me was during the week. He hasn’t replied yet. It’s been four days. I was curious on how he was going to reply, now I’m not. In fact I blocked his address because I ended up doing some investigation afterall. On the old Facebook. I don’t have an account there but God bless Mark Zuckerberg and his privacy laws because it’s all there. I now know where he lives and he is indeed married. I just needed to confirm that and then end it. I’m done.

On to the conversation I had with Fish:

“So, how’s the part-time job going?” he inquired over the phone. I had just had a hot shower and the plan was to go to bed very early. He called just as I was about to pull the covers over.

“Mmmmh…OK. It’s only two days. I’m not really happy with it.”

“It doesn’t matter. You have to start somewhere,” he assured me.

“Yeah…”

A moment of silence passed before I heard…

“You know it’s been seven months now , and I know we have the distance issue to consider but I really want to be with you.”

What? I had to get out of bed. Surely he didn’t say that.

“Wha…what do you mean?” I whispered helplessly. So many things were going through my head.

“It would really make me happy if you were my girlfriend, and I don’t care about the problems you have. We can deal with them, don’t you think? I want to be there for you.”

“You have been.”

“No, I mean in a different way. More than I am now. What do you say”

“I don’t know,” I heard myself reply.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I heard a slight change in his voice. Was that the tone of disappointment? I gripped the phone to my ear more tightly because my hand had started shaking. Here I was on the phone to this man who I’ve wanted so much that I cried myself to sleep. I dreamt about him. His voice, his face, everything about him made my heart sing and now he tells me that I have the chance to be his, to get exactly what I wanted and ‘I don’t know?’. Why don’t I know? What don’t I know?  Sure enough I wasn’t expecting this. In fact, it had been  a while since I had any hope of something like this happening. Just the other week, I was going to cross him off my list and accept that all he was ever going to be was a friend. But no, he had other plans.

“What don’t you know?” he continued.

“I just…don’t know”

“OK. It doesn’t matter. I’ll wait for you to know. When you are ready I’ll be here because I’m not changing my mind.”

I didn’t know what  say. He continued,

“Oh, and I’m still coming to visit **ET so I think we’ll talk more then,” he finished. A few minutes later I went to bed and woke up with the murderous urge to get rid of BB and his bullshit.

* * : Fish’s best friend. The one who introduced me to him. He is in UK  now and Fish is planning to visit him sometime this year.

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02/06/2010

I was thinking about the weekend chat I had with Fish. It was around 6 pm and I was in the kitchen cooking when he came online and asked to have a video conversation with me. I said yes and turned the webcam on. We started chatting, but I couldn’t stop thinking… 

 ‘Do I look alright? Is my hair messy? I’m wearing my hair in a different style from the one he told me he loved, is that OK?  Do I look less beautiful because of that? What about my face? Does he think I look good?

Just look at that. Am I that insecure? 

As we kept talking I thought,  ‘what the hell, I should stop worrying about how I look. He should like me in whatever hairstyle I’m in or whatever time of day it is.’  So I forgot about it until today. You know, I’m trying. I am really trying to be a confident person. It’s not easy but I’ve got better in the past few months, it’s just that sometimes these things creep up on me and take over me and sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Sometimes it’s really bad all I want to do is curl up at a corner in my room and stay there. Sometimes it feels like everyone in the world has it all except me. I feel as if nothing beautiful will ever happen to me and it scares me.

31/05/2010

Fish turned 27  last week. There was no celebration because of his work commitments* so I just sent him a happy birthday message and wished him well. We hadn’t spoken in about two weeks so he asked if we could chat on messenger. We talked about stuff, mostly his work* and my uni projects.  Hearing  his voice, seeing his face…it’s just so beautiful. I really want this man.  As it is now, we are not in a relationship. We’ve never talked about the R word but there is something there. I can feel it and I know he can feel it too. I know he likes me. I don’t know how much but I think it’s a significant amount otherwise he wouldn’t be doing these things. Did I mention that he had to cancel a job interview to come and meet me for the first time?

The night before we met, we were chatting online and planning on when and where to meet when he mentioned that he had to call the company he was supposed to turn up for an interview the next morning. I wasn’t expecting that. He told me it was fine. In fact this is how he put it:

“The letter said I should call them if I had any emergency.”

“What’s the emergency  tomorrow then?”

“I want to come and meet you, so I can’t make it for the interview.”

“But it’s not an emergency,” I replied and laughed.

“Well it is. It’s an important day for me because I’m coming to meet you.”

“OK, but if the interview is important let me not disrupt you. Just go.”

“No, meeting you is important, not the interview.” he finished.

 I went into bed that night thinking this man meant business. Cancelling a job interview? But  here I am thinking and then what? He’s in a different country from me. What happens here? I don’t have a problem with LDRs but since we are not in a relationship, how do we make that step into one with the distance between us should things go that way? I’m really confused because I like him so much and I’m at that stage where I am scared of losing him. I keep thinking, ‘what if he meets someone else there? Someone more interesting than me?’.  He’s not mine yet but that’s how I feel. I promised myself I’ll do things right this time and be honest because the possibility of something happening is there  and if it doesn’t go that way, then I’ll try my best not to go crazy and still be friends with him because he really is very important to me. I’ve learned a lot from him. I want to keep him.

On the other hand I could be deluded. He probably doesn’t feel all that for me. I probably shouldn’t put all my hopes on us but my instinctints tell me otherwise and when this happens I’m almost always right.

*I’ll just go ahead and say what Fish does so you can understand exactly how the situation is. He’s in the army.

19/02/2010

This girl that King was cheating on me with sent me an IM a week ago asking me how he was. She apparently had not heard from him in a long time. I told him he’s fine and logged off. The cheek of this bitch. Not to make myself feel better or anything but I believe I touched a nerve with King. He definitely learnt a lesson or two from the ranting I did after I found out about his cheating ways. He cancelled his account on the social networking site where he met this girl. He hasn’t been online on Skype and the other messenger that I used to talk to him with since November. Prior to that he told me things were getting pretty hectic, his dad wasn’t impressed with his performance and he was preparing for his final project. He’s due to finish uni this February. I’m not sitting here waiting for him. I don’t want a man like him but this girl just reminded me of that bullshit. Whatever he does with his life, good luck to him.

29/12/2009

I’m watching 101 Dalmatians ( I never knew Hugh Laurie appeared in this) for the second time today with a stupid grin on my face. I have a date after new year. I’m excited. I’ll call him Fish. As usual with all the pseudonyms I use here, it’s got something to do with the meaning of his first name. Anyway, on Christmas Eve while I was chatting to a friend of mine who is out of the country, he  happened to mention about his best friend who recently got a new job in UK. He asked me if it was OK to give him my email address because he could use a friend, being new and all. I told him that was fine by me. I could use a new friend too.

We started chatting on Skype and msn on Christmas. He is gorgeous! I mean, he’s so handsome I just want to eat him. I especially appreciate that he’s very intelligent so conversations with him have been very stimulating…eeer mentally, if you are wondering.

Coincidentally he comes from the same country that King comes from. I think I mentioned I have a weakness for those, but my oh my, he is so different from King.  Very different. I’m going to prepare for the date as if my life depended on it. I really like this guy.