25/11/2009

I spent the entire day in the library doing a lot of reading and writing. I like the fact that once I start writing, I never stop. While I was there, the one person that I was expecting to turn up, did not. I don’t know this guy. I just see him around uni, especially in the library. I like him. He is such a handsome man. I like the way he carries himself and his features. I can’t remember when my fascination with him started, although I can somehow guess it was around the time King and I had this big bust up about his cheating ways. I suddenly found myself alone. Lied to and cheated on. Unloved. One day while I was seating in the library, feeling ridiculously down, I just saw him there. I stopped and felt something inside me. Come to think of it, I had always seen him around but this time I stopped to look at him long enough. I don’t know what it was but I felt some resemblance to King in him. They have the same features…well, almost. Middle Eastern like. I have this fascination with Middle Eastern men or Middle Eastern looking men. Mostly, the former because I like the whole package ( culture, language and all that stuff) King is not Middle Eastern. He comes from one of those countries that is not sure whether it’s in the Middle East or not, so you’d expect some people from there to have these kind of features. This guy, however, am pretty sure I heard him speaking Arabic on the phone. Sexy!  I’ve had fantasies of him making love to me so many times, it’s getting silly now. Unfortunately he doesn’t even know I exist and I don’t have the confidence to do anything about it. His eyes are so beautiful. Most of the times I go to bed thinking how wonderful it would be if I had the chance to stare directly into those eyes. The thought of it sends shivers through my body.

I’m going to bed right after I finish posting this because I need to wake up very early tomorrow. King has not been online. I logged in to all the chat messengers I use the moment I got home. This guy I met online was online and he immediately begged me to turn on my webcam so he could see me ( he’s always saying that I’m sexy, nice, beautiful…) He then proceeded to beg me to get naked. He has done this ever since he met me ( on a social networking site) I always said no. I don’t know why but the only man I feel comfortable getting naked on webcam with is King. It could be because we had something in real life and have had sex together. The thing is, even before we had real life sex, I always felt comfortable getting naked on webcam for him. It must be his sweet talking ways. He has this way of making me feel comfortable. Making me feel, it’s alright.

I’ll put on my favourite song to soothe me to bed. La Camisa Negra by Juanes. I hope it will help me forget that the only money I have left is £0.19. No bus fare. A lot of walking to and from uni until Saturday. I hope it doesn’t rain.

24/11/2009

I’m getting ready to go to bed. I was going to sleep earlier but as usual I decided to wait to see if my ‘ex’ ( I’ll call him King from now on because his real name roughly means that) would come online. I waited on Skype, Yahoo…nothing. I know that he works late into the night but I just wait because sometimes he just comes online earlier than I expected. In short, it’s hard to know with him. He doesn’t live in UK and we have a two-hour time difference. It’s hard to say where or what we are now. All I know is that most of the times when he comes online we end up having cyber sex and I end up going to bed thinking and dreaming about him, making things even worse for me because I know he doesnt feel the same way. I even know for a fact that he does this with other girls. So many of them. It was one of the reasons why what we had ended. I poured my heart out to him about how hurt I was. He retaliated by blaming me and his work/depression. He then asked me to give him time and forgive him, then we left it at that. Next thing I know, we are just saying ‘Hi honey, How are you?, Go on cam, You look sexy…e.t.c’. We dont talk about it. Deep down I know it’s over. The cyber sex is just that, but I can’t stop hoping. I know he is not right for me. He’s got so many issues. He’s a liar. He’s a cheat. He’s a manipulator. He’s controlling and emotionally abusive but I still hope. There is something terribly wrong with me. I even dream of being his wife. I think it’s the fact that I’m very lonely and no man is checking me out.