15/11/2010

Things I’m  learning about myself from this  ‘thing’ with BB:

  • I think about sex too much.
  • But I’m congenitally incapable of doing casual sex very well.
  • Because I’m too emotional a person. I need to feel I belong with a man. I need to be acknowledged on an emotional level. I also care too much. I wake up in the morning and wonder if he had a good night. I sit at home having lunch and wonder if he’s having lunch with his friends, alone? What is he having? Is he enjoying it? I listen to travel updates and ask myself whether he’s stuck in traffic somewhere bored out of his brain. When he gets home, is he happy to see his baby? Does he spend his weekends making funny faces and making him laugh?
  • Also because my PCOS drives me mad. Immediately after my period, unless I really trust someone  it can be quite an effort for me to have sex. Too many true and false PMS-esque symptoms during that time. And I just can’t sit someone down – someone who is essentially still not close to me and start explaining all my reproductive woes. I’d rather pass the sex itself at that time. So I worry a lot instead, mostly about him, not me. Mostly about how I seem not to be in the mood.
  • And what does that say about me? I’m pathetic. End of story. But of course I want  a very healthy relationship.  That I’m sure of. I may suffer from a terrible and great deal of low self-esteem and other great crazy but that’s one thing I’m sure of. That’s why I said no to Fish. I’m not at my best emotionally and if I said yes I would lose him – something I don’t want to do because I want him in my life. If he still wants me when I’m ‘healed’ then I think I will say yes. At the moment it’s ok for any other woman to have him, although there isn’t any yet.
  • I like and prefer intelligent men. I mean,  BB isn’t dim, but God knows we don’t have any mentally stimulating conversations. Of course I’m aware life is about compromise so I can compromise if a man brought something else to the table, like kindness, unconditional love, streetwiseness and money, yes money – don’t get me wrong but I’m a woman, I don’t just lay with anyone, there are consequences to think of, it’s nature. And I won’t be PC about it, in fact all women shouldn’t be PC about it. All women who pretend to be PC about money in regards to relationships want to have the good life to themselves and leave you out to dry. True story. So where was I? Yes, intelligence. An intelligent man is powerful to me. A powerful man turns me on. I have respect for a powerful man and in order for me to love a man I have to respect him. Money = Power too, that’s why I can compromise. A powerful man also makes me feel protected and taken care of. I feel safe in the company of a powerful man. I feel my future children will be safe with a powerful father. A powerful man doesn’t worry about his position in society so he doesn’t have time to have ‘issues’, instead he has the time to love me.
  • I need to be more kind to myself.
  • Unmasking myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable is actually good for me. Allowing people to see the real me and being honest about my situation is good for my personal growth. BB is the only person in a long time who has actually seen how bad my financial situation is. Most of the times I feel ashamed by what is essentially a situation that is not my fault, but what can I do? He still insists on seeing me, so that’s what he’ll see.
  • I am beautiful – I know this but I needed a reminder after a very long time. From the first day that he met me, BB told me that I was beautiful every single time we met. Every single time. He’s never stopped. No faffing around with words, he just says these exact words every single time: You are beautiful.
  • I like kissing men’s noses.
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24/09/2010

A friend mine – probably the only one I made during my time at uni – called me all the way from her holiday in the Mediterranean to tell me how happy she was when she received her degree certificate last week. It made her feel like she had accomplished the most important thing in her life, she said. Did I feel that excitement of having accomplished something? Like really accomplished something? Yes, I told her. It’s a great feeling.

Of course I lied. There was no euphoric mood from me at any time last week because I did not receive my degree certificate. I owe the university £1500, and I won’t be getting that precious paper until I pay up. The phone call made me think, if only briefly, of  my dad. I really needed him to help me with this payment but he let me down. He  prefered instead to spend his summer days at home doing nothing. Let’s just say that this added to the amount of resentment that I already have for him. I don’t like to dwell on it much anyway, and thankfully, the university sent me a transcript so that will do for the time being,  incase  I need to show any proof of my grades. The plan is to pay in installments and be done by the end of December.

Fingers crossed.

08/09/2010

I’m positive of what I’m feeling now. Suicidal.

As it happens  I’m £3000 in debt and I…oh, fuck it! Too many problems I feel too helpless to list.

11/05/2010

I’m pissed. Really pissed. I’m angry too. I’m tired. I want to give up. Lost all hope e.t.c. All those fucked up ‘I’ve been defeated feelings’.  Since about two weeks ago I’ve been unable to access my account until today. My mother finally called the finance office this morning and I was granted access. I’ve checked all the emails, missed lectures and I just want to scream. I want to scream and never stop and maybe run away somewhere. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. One of my tutors even had to send a letter asking me where I’ve been. She also emailed everyone on my course asking where I was. Worringly titled  ‘Has anyone seen **Dazedlittlemiss?’. I know these people don’t know about my financial situation with the university ( well, maybe they do but I believe only the finance office keeps this information) but I still feel humiliated. I feel inadequate. The deadline for my project hand in is Friday next week and I still have a large amount of unfinished work. It looks like I might make it just in time but I hate that I have to work on a harassed last-minute mode when I could have done this a week ago. Before my account was disabled, my plan was to have the work finished by at least this week and essentially spend next week resting before hand in. I know this is not my fault in any way but I just can’t help feeling useless. I’m trying my best here to be patient, to be focued and be positive about things but  it just doesn’t seem to be working. Everyone in my course seems to have everything under control. I even had a couple of guys from course go to Asia for their project for two months since March and even they made it back in time to start finalising it, even after being stranded for two weeks due to the volcanic ash. I really fucking hate my life. I really do. Not surprising I’ve been in a very foul mood. Pretty much didn’t do anything around the house in the past few days and this girl hasn’t bothered either so everything around here is looking like a dump. I really couldn’t be bothered wether the dished are pilling up on the sink right now. My mind is just clogged up. I spend most of the time spaced out, I can’t even bloody concetrate in public!