03/11/2010

It’s 3:40 pm, I turn over in my duvet-heavy bed and sluggishly glance towards the door of my room. BB is standing there. Am I dreaming? I ask myself and try to sit up. No I’m not. Oh dear God. Panic. That is BB standing at the door.

Then it hits me. What???? No, no, no, no!  This man did not just ambush me in my place? I did not remember any talk of  meeting him today. He’s appeared unannounced, to find me at my most undignified. A stinking room, dirty bowl and spoon with dried weetabix bits on them,  on the bed beside my head, a packet of sainsbury’s basics sultanas next to it,  bits of used tissue and dirty clothes all over the floor and my menses stained knickers hanging at the corner of my bed. I’m ashamed. I want to die. Oh the humiliation! It’s unbearable. I want to get up but I’m incapacitated with self loathing.

“Hello, I wasn’t expecting you, how did you get in?”

“The woman opened the  door for me”

“Oh, eerrm…I was reading then I fell asleep”

“I can see that, is it warm in there? I’ll join you”

No, please no. You wouldn’t like the smell in here. At this point I’m thinking…hide the dirty stuff on display…hide that bit of the second duvet that’s worn out…do something…save yourself from this shame. But I can’t. He’s already removed his clothes and has jumped next to me. Feelings of rage start to creep up within me. He has no right! He can’t just turn up. He has no right to turn up like this and make me feel less of a human being due to the conditions I live in. In times like these I want to be alone. I don’t want anyone to see the crazy state I’m in. When I’m alone, I don’t have to pretend. I can wallow in my depression and continue fighting a loosing battle with my insomnia whilst indulging and entertaining my glorious disturbed sleep patterns. Then he comes in like this. This is not a part of me I want him to see. Then I calm down – it’s not my fault after all, I didn’t ask him to turn up impromptu.

Up until now he had only been to my place once – after I had done a massive clear out and cleaned the place up and now. And of course after apologising profusely for the state of it – most of which wasn’t my poor self’s fault – the stained and discoloured roof for starters. Ugh. On that occasion it went well though. He didn’t seem to mind and even helped me take out some rubbish that The Witch thought convenient to tell me off about in front of him. But this was different.

One hour after he got naked, I put my hand over his torso  and a few minutes later I hear:

“We should stop doing this”

“What?”

“Having sex”

Oh dear me. This is it.

“I don’t spend quality time with you”

So why the hell did you fucking come over today? How about you should have told me this via earlier and not turned up. Or how about you should have turned up and NOT got naked, but just you know…tell me this and then go?

I remain silent. I play with his hair a little, he tells me to stop then gets up to dress. He notices the sultanas and makes a comment about how good sultanas are. All I can think of is that they are just sainsbury’s basics. Cheap. I’m a total and massive contrast to his comfortable middle class existence. No wonder he wants out? He also mentions something about how warm my bed is. Do I like to keep warm he asks? I pull a duvet over me as he says:

“We should stop because it’s not fair to you. I don’t make enough time for you”

He leans over to kiss me. Tears start forming. God please no, I can’t start crying now. Not for this man. Please.

“But you are funny, you don’t care”

I do. I fucking care. I fucking care so much. I fucking care so much that I’ve had to suppress my tears. He said I didn’t care because two weeks ago, while apologising for yet another flying visit I told him it doesn’t matter when he sees me. It was his life I said and I will not force him to see him. It’s not like I was married to him or was his girlfriend, I continued, matter of factly. I didn’t mean that. I was hurting and angry…and needy so I just said this to appear ‘cool with it’. He remembered it.

“It’s not that I don’t care”, I smiled faintly and swallowed a huge lump in my throat. He stood up to put on his jumper and said that it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t see me enough but would make sure to find sometime for us to do something ‘more’. So what is it? Is that it or do I have to wait and see if he has found the time to do ‘more’ things together?

He blew me a kiss and left. I lay in bed  thinking of that scene in Bille August’s The House of the Spirits, where Esteban visits a prostitute and asks her  to be tender with him and pretend to care for him, just for that day. Substitute  the prostitute with BB.

I wish I’d never met him.

**An hour letter I check my emails and see one from him, sent at 2:32 pm, without a body, titled ‘Hello are yyou home at 3.30pm?’ I wasn’t online so I couldn’t reply, but why would he just turn up? If you don’t get a reply you wait for one!

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30/10/2010

Ugh! Somebody shoot me now.

I’ve got this pain in my left abdomen, just below my ribcage. It’s going…stab…pull…stab…pull…stab…pull…stab, then pull, then buuuurn. I don’t have painkillers with me.

I think I’ll go straight to bed after watching Strictly Come Dancing.

**Update: I went to bed immediately after Strictly Come Dancing, woke up at 5 am, turned on the telly only to be reminded by BBC News that it’s actually 4 am, so tried going back to bed again. Incredible pain continued, I started to panic and thought about A & E. So I got up, had a shower and conditioned my hair – just wanted to look my best in case I was going to turn up at A & E later or call an ambulance. None of that happened because I fell asleep while trying to keep warm in bed waiting for daybreak. I then slept the day away and woke up at 8 pm, no pain, but very hungry…tried getting out of bed but couldn’t for about an hour…in the distance I could hear the sounds of happy children trick or treating. Now I’m here typing away after managing to get something down my throat. Halloween 2010, you were glorious!

05/10/2010

Good news

My mum’s got a new job. A better paying one. I guess I’ll be seeing my degree certificate sooner than I expected.

Bad news

Last Thursday I went to the city. The big bad city and came back home worringly depressed. I’m a country girl at heart and even though I’ve ‘done’ cities before , I haven’t been to one in about a year, so in essence I get a bit rattled by it. I was going to see someone at a company that was in the heart of the city. Well, I didn’t get to see them, instead I got lost.

I  found myself already tired after the long train journey to get there, add this to the fact that I forgot the map that I had printed out at home last-minute. So, after walking around in circles in the city centre and feeling my confidence plummet by the minute, I really had no choice but to queue at the tourist information centre. I had to because I think I was also starting to have panic attacks. Those élite city boys and girls waltzing past me made me feel this big. Coffees in their hands, dapper suits, getting in and out of fancy cars…that got to me. I started feeling as if everyone was looking at me and sniggering inwardly at how pathetic, poor and out of place I looked, so I had to go inside a building somewhere.

Queueing sheepishly and awkwardly and pretending to be a lost tourist, I asked for the directions. The woman behind the counter seemed nice, but not too nice in that she did not do her job. She checked an address book, wrote down the address and gave it to me. I mean, wasn’t she supposed to actually explain it? Like get up her chair and do some signs with her hands and really explain? Anyway I left. Walked for a further half an hour, felt like shit even more, almost came to tears, then found the place.

It was closed.

I made the long train journey back home, got in the house, and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later, had something really heavy to eat then spent the rest of the night wanting to cry and thinking about BB and those fancy people in the city. He’s probably one of them when he goes to work. The next day I couldn’t get up. I was so depressed that I felt aches all over me. I spent the entire day in bed, then got up to watch some TV and make dinner. Since I was so hungry, I made a quick meal to eat then put something in the oven to cook so I could save it for the next day. I went to bed and forgot about it, until the next morning! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I left the oven on overnight! Thankfully, it was a low setting and it was chicken that had not defrosted properly earlier on otherwise I’d have burned the house down.

That is the state of my mind.

21/03/2010

Extremely exhausted. Spent most of the day in bed and then got up at around 4 ish and embarked on a water drinking spree. I’ve heard it helps beat exhaustion. I think I’m still feeling the effects of Friday. A bit scared by this, feels like extreme fatigue. I ought to sleep more  this coming week. It’s spring break but I’m still going to be working on my project. At least the lack of lectures and meetings will give me some time off.

28/11/2009

I’m up and feeling so hungry it’s ridiculous! I just had four sachets of chicken soup yesterday and two slices of bread. What’s that? 500 calories a day? It’s fucking insane. The day before yesterday  I had roughly the same amount. I’ve been feeling so weak and had a splitting headache the only thing I could do was sleep. My heart seems to beat a bit faster than usual and this always scares me. I hate this. I’m still staying awake for the next two hours or so and then I’ll take a shower and go shopping for food. There will be some money in my account by then, hopefully.

My stomach hurts too. A lot.