06/05/2010

For some reason after my swimming lessons yesterday, I found myself opening the door to the men’s showers instead of the ladies’. Trust me, I don’t know where my mind was either. Luckily there was only one guy taking a shower with his back facing me (phew!) and there was one who was fully dressed and coming out. He was so nice about it.

“Nothing to worry about, it happens,” he said as he combed his hair.

“I’ll show you where yours are”

I thanked him and followed him. It’s refreshing how people can be so civilised. I’m also surprised that as much as the situation was embarrassing, I didn’t feel any embarrassment myself. I just apologised and said I was a bit confused that day, looked the bloke straight in the eye as if nothing had happened as he explained to me where to go. What a funny moment but I think I had too much in my mind to care about anything.

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02/03/2010

Just finished watching a very peculiar movie. It has left me wondering  whether  two people who have almost nothing in common  can  form and sustain a relationship. Can they?

05/02/2010

I had a very emotional time last night. I was talking to Fish and he asked me about my friends and whether I spend time with them i.e go out to clubs e.t.c. I didn’t know what to say. I’m torn between being honest and wanting to look normal good in his eyes. How do I start explaining to him that I don’t have any friends because I don’t have the money to hang out in their social circles. I want to be honest with. I’ve always wanted that but at the same time I want to take things very slowly. Yes, I told him some things. Some. Not everything. I feel…confused. I wanted to cry myself to sleep but I’ve done that so much, I don’t have the energy anymore.

I lied to him.

I told him that  I have friends that I hang out with and we always spend fun times together going out to clubs, having a few drinks e.t.c. I lied. I lied. I lied.

Am I the only one going through this? I need someone to just reach out and tell me I’m not alone because sometimes I feel like I am. Everyone seems to be happy. Everyone seems to have friends who they go out with and have fun. I’m not antisocial. I talk to people. I’m a very chatty person. I’ve just never been able, for the past few years to form solid friendships with anyone because I just couldn’t afford to fit in. I don’t have the money to spend on weekend shopping sprees. I can’t afford drinks when I go out. I don’t have anything. I’m scared. I feel like any man I meet will judge me on that basis. Why don’t you have friends? I dread that question. I don’t know when I’ll tell Fish. I just can’t stop worrying about this part of my life. I’m not fixated on pleasing any man. In fact, all this just makes me want to shut myself in my room and not meet any man for some time. All I need to know is that there is some man out there who’ll understand the type of woman I am. And, that, just because I havent made any friends in the past few years does not mean I am incapable of holding down a relationship, whether it  be platonic or otherwise, because I am not.

I AM NORMAL.

03/01/2010

Due to a particular experience with one needy man, I find it very hard to take men who move too fast seriously. Seriously, just let me be. Don’t rush things, sending suggestive texts and emails and pushing me to do things your way. I just can’t put myself through pain again. It’s kind of funny because once I let it be known (through my actions) that I don’t want things to be done that way, I feel guilty. Guilty that I’m pushing men away. That maybe I’m missing something beautiful and extraordinary. That maybe he is The One. I just don’t know.

This is not about Fish by the way. Our date is still on.

23/12/2009

I’ve been extraordinarily broody and depressed for the past few days. I have a good way of not showing it to my family ( mainly by keeping mum and watching too much TV or pretending to read a course book) I have this feeling tagging at my heart. It’s heavily weighing me down. I’m thinking about my future again. I can’t help but get scared.

I’ve spent three nights planning out different scenarios for my future. I’ve even got a plan Z! But…What if all these plans don’t work out? Will I be doomed to live a miserable life? To be honest, I was very positive after the mock interview because I was so sure what I wanted then…finally. I had gone to see my careers advisor and we had discussed so many things that I just found myself with a solid careers plan. I had also resolved to tackle some personal issues. This is where I mentioned about laying off the menfolk. Unfortunatley, I have a problem.

Actually I have TWO  major problems.

One, my mum just informed of some very disappointing news. She had problems with her (our) visa applications. No,  we were not planning on going anywhere. We ( the family) simply need something done with our visas. I will get to this part of my life in upcoming posts. The thing is, my mum has had to postpone her starting date at a new job ( a lucrative position at a top company) because she now has a case in her hands. Think of how I wouldn’t have to starve anymore.Or the numerous pairs of skinny jeans I would finally own.

Find lawyer. Meet lawyer at ungodly hours because said lawyer is uber swamped with a multitude of cases. Set a hearing date. Get numerous documents ( sometimes copies of the same thing over and over). Wait.

That’s all she’s been doing. She’s my hero. Her attitude to life is just so cheerful it’s unbelievable. She hasn’t gone into a panic attack, she hasn’t falling into a bottomless pit of depression. Nothing. As if I need to tell you that if this was me, I would probably have offed myself by now. It’s fucking ridiculous. My mother has worked and paid taxes in this country for the past eight years. Eight bloody legal years in this country and this is what she gets.

I must admit I’ve observed that she is mighty pissed. Not depressed, not wallowing in self-pity, but pissed off. She’s starting to think of asking the company to give her  an international position somewhere else in Europe or Australasia. This could mean moving to a new country. Now, as much as I said I want to get out and see the world, I don’t like the sound of this. This sounds so unstable. Basically, I wanted my base ( family et al) here in UK. While I travelled to wherever I wanted to, and lived, for a short period or longer. I just wanted to be able to come back to a place that is already established. End of.

My dad on the hand hasn’t taken this too well. He’s majorly stressed out about it and being weird and angry all the time. He trying a little bit, I give him that, to offer the support needed here. Looking at those documents a trillion times every single day. How glorious and beautiful is my life. Just lovely!

*Post about the menfolk to follow shortly.