15/11/2010

Things I’m  learning about myself from this  ‘thing’ with BB:

  • I think about sex too much.
  • But I’m congenitally incapable of doing casual sex very well.
  • Because I’m too emotional a person. I need to feel I belong with a man. I need to be acknowledged on an emotional level. I also care too much. I wake up in the morning and wonder if he had a good night. I sit at home having lunch and wonder if he’s having lunch with his friends, alone? What is he having? Is he enjoying it? I listen to travel updates and ask myself whether he’s stuck in traffic somewhere bored out of his brain. When he gets home, is he happy to see his baby? Does he spend his weekends making funny faces and making him laugh?
  • Also because my PCOS drives me mad. Immediately after my period, unless I really trust someone  it can be quite an effort for me to have sex. Too many true and false PMS-esque symptoms during that time. And I just can’t sit someone down – someone who is essentially still not close to me and start explaining all my reproductive woes. I’d rather pass the sex itself at that time. So I worry a lot instead, mostly about him, not me. Mostly about how I seem not to be in the mood.
  • And what does that say about me? I’m pathetic. End of story. But of course I want  a very healthy relationship.  That I’m sure of. I may suffer from a terrible and great deal of low self-esteem and other great crazy but that’s one thing I’m sure of. That’s why I said no to Fish. I’m not at my best emotionally and if I said yes I would lose him – something I don’t want to do because I want him in my life. If he still wants me when I’m ‘healed’ then I think I will say yes. At the moment it’s ok for any other woman to have him, although there isn’t any yet.
  • I like and prefer intelligent men. I mean,  BB isn’t dim, but God knows we don’t have any mentally stimulating conversations. Of course I’m aware life is about compromise so I can compromise if a man brought something else to the table, like kindness, unconditional love, streetwiseness and money, yes money – don’t get me wrong but I’m a woman, I don’t just lay with anyone, there are consequences to think of, it’s nature. And I won’t be PC about it, in fact all women shouldn’t be PC about it. All women who pretend to be PC about money in regards to relationships want to have the good life to themselves and leave you out to dry. True story. So where was I? Yes, intelligence. An intelligent man is powerful to me. A powerful man turns me on. I have respect for a powerful man and in order for me to love a man I have to respect him. Money = Power too, that’s why I can compromise. A powerful man also makes me feel protected and taken care of. I feel safe in the company of a powerful man. I feel my future children will be safe with a powerful father. A powerful man doesn’t worry about his position in society so he doesn’t have time to have ‘issues’, instead he has the time to love me.
  • I need to be more kind to myself.
  • Unmasking myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable is actually good for me. Allowing people to see the real me and being honest about my situation is good for my personal growth. BB is the only person in a long time who has actually seen how bad my financial situation is. Most of the times I feel ashamed by what is essentially a situation that is not my fault, but what can I do? He still insists on seeing me, so that’s what he’ll see.
  • I am beautiful – I know this but I needed a reminder after a very long time. From the first day that he met me, BB told me that I was beautiful every single time we met. Every single time. He’s never stopped. No faffing around with words, he just says these exact words every single time: You are beautiful.
  • I like kissing men’s noses.

05/08/2010

So, Fish tells me that being in the army has made him change his outlook on life, hence ‘the proposal’, OK, however, he’s a perfectionist and I’m scared now that I’m too flawed.

05/03/2010

I’ve been very busy in the past few  two days working on my project. I needed this to keep myself from thinking about how much I’m going to miss Fish come April. We talked yesterday and I felt at ease because it didn’t feel like it was the end after all. He’s taught me the importance of being a perfectionist. Of wanting the best. I’m going to strive for that. My uni work seems to be going well if not a tad bit slow. I don’t know what it is with people in my university but no one seems to want to help. They are cocooned in their little cliques and if they don’t know you, they just won’t help. It’s unbelievable how frustrating this is, especially for a course like mine where working on a practical project, no matter how suited to an individual it is, one needs to have a little help here and there. I’ve just had about enough of it and I can’t wait to graduate. I have my fingers crossed that anyone I approach for help, will at least do so. I need a good grade because I really, in the literal sense can not afford to fail. I just need a degree to able to even at best hope for a different life from what I have right now.

Which brings me to something else: money. I’ve come to that point in my life where when I hear anyone say that money can not buy you happiness I get this sudden animalistic urge to smack them. That is a lie. Money can buy you happiness, fuck what you heard. I’m living proof. If you have money, you buy things that you love, you go to places you love. Subsequently, if you love something  that means it makes you happy. You a re happy. It’s as simple as that and I don’t want anyone telling me otherwise. In fact I’m starting to believe it’s only rich people who say this to poor people to keep them in their place. I will not be one of those poor people. I don’t want to be obscenely rich. I just want a decent life. Ugh. I hate being poor. Right now for instance I’m contemplating if I’ll have enough money to buy materials for my project. It’s ludicrous. There are bills coming my way in about two weeks. I have food to think of. This is not the kind of life anyone should be living and I don’t believe that anyone can be happy in my situation, I don’t care what explanations they give.

So, I’m going to bed hoping to wake up very early tomorrow so I can bury myself in work to prevent me from thinking about my life or money for that matter. My fridge is empty  and I’m not even sure I’m going to have a single proper meal tomorrow. My bank account, well I have £0.33 in balance.

09/01/2010

I’ve been thinking about the date I had with Fish. He wants us to meet again. I can’t wait. I like his character. He’s so serene and collected. Deep even. He wanted to know so much about me that I got a bit scared. I think I’m so used to giving attention to men and sacrificing myself to them that I’ve now forgotten how it feels to be taken care of. To be on the receiving end of someone’s genuine interest in me. He asked me if I was happy. I hesitated for a while. He looked me straight in the eye and asked me again. I just found myself rambling to him about my life (well, just a little bit of it). I’ve never been this honest to any man before. Never, in the past few miserable years of my life have I ever told any man I was unhappy.

I didn’t see this coming. One minute we were making jokes and laughing  away, the next I’m staring at him blankly wondering whether I should answer his question or not. He smiled at me afterwards and said, “You do realise that you don’t sound unhappy at all?” I don’t sound unhappy? Wow. Does that mean my efforts to try to be happy are paying off? Such that I don’t show it anymore. Such that I’m now at least able to enjoy the little things in life instead of retreating into my own world and being depressed. If that’s the case then  surely this is good news.