20/06/2010

It’s been what? Two weeks now? Just about.

Applications sent: I’ve lost count. I’ve lost count of all the job boards and CV sites I’ve registered myself. Lost count of all the recruitment agencies I’ve called and gone to register my details with. Lost count of all the companies I’ve cold called. I’m very shattered but still going strong. I told myself when I started this:

I’ll be damned if I don’t get what I want

Progress so far: Three responses, one which is very positive and might get me an interview at the beginning of July.

I even had to clean my perpetually messy room and rearrange it so that my reading desk can face the window where enough light was coming through as I decided to sit at my desk with my laptop while doing stuff instead of the usual culprits, the bed or the kitchen table. I need to feel ‘proper’, like I’m doing something.

Now, on to something else that I’ve always wanted to rant about

I am a very sexual person. I love sex, certainly not obsessed with it and can go without it but when it comes to being with someone I love the full sexual experience. I want to be with someone and feel his whole person, experience a fulfilling and mutual connection without any ‘what ifs and buts’, even if it is to last for only a few minutes, I want those few minutes to mean something. I’m the type of person who’ll look at a man I find attractive and think ‘by God, I want to do that man so bad’ but at the back of mind still think ‘if we get into a relationship, I’d stay with him for as along as it takes, even forever’

What am I saying? I’m saying that if I met a man today, found him appealing to me (doesn’t necessarily have to be attractive nor does it have to be love at first sight) I have the ability to have sex with him on that first encounter and yet be able to  enter into a relationship, if w both wanted,  where I’d be faithful and loyal to him. That is just the way I am. Call it a voracious sexual appetite , call it whatever you like but that is me. What I hate is for people to think that a woman can not be like that. That a woman, can not want to fuck a man’s brains out on that first encounter and still make a faithful partner. To me, that’s ridiculous. I’ve never cheated on any man in my life and I never will. I understand that society has an unwritten rule on women and their sexuality but  I like to have my own rules on this issue. The way I see it is, if I met a man and we got to know each other and he judged me solely on my sexual appetite and they way I went about it and he left me, then that’s his loss because he didn’t stay long enough to see how faithful and truthful I could be to him.

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11/12/2009

Everything you want in life, someone else is going to want it too. You just need the confidence  to believe that you deserve it as much as they do.

Or so I’ve heard.

It makes sense. Life is about confidence. It’s funny how people will see right through your weakness, and try to take advantage of that. I don’t want to let that happen to me anymore. Ok, I need to stop ranting now. I’m just very ecstatic. The mock interview was great. I passed ( I wish it was a real job) I’ve learnt so many things, first, about myself and second, about what I need to focus on.

In short, what I need to do is  get out there and show people that I want it too and fuck yea, I’m going to get it!

07/12/2009

Be the person you want to be in a relationship with.

I’ve just heard those words. That statement must be the best piece of advice ever given. How is it that you are going to say “I want a man who is this and that” while you are not this and that yourself? How would you feel if this man said to you that he wanted you to be this and that, yet it is clear from looking at him that he is no where near this and that himself?

I should know this. I mean, I got this from King. He wanted me to be free of problems. He wanted me to be happy all the time, even when he was the source of my unhappiness. Even when it was plain for all to see that he was depressed and unmotivated, and he took that out on me. Me, the person that was also depressed and unmotivated. It was that vicious cycle we were in. So now I know: I’m NOT the person I want to be in a relationship with. I have so many things to sort out about myself. I have so many ugly things about me. So many issues. Yes, I constantly crave men who are way ahead of me, in a different league. I need to change. I need to be a better person. Change the things about me that are not so great, for the better. Only then, will I set out to look for a man.

My mind’s made up. I’m going off men for the next seven months. Until I graduate, until I sort myself out. I want to work, very hard, to make myself happy first. To go for what I want. To get it. To change what I don’t like, then I’ll see about getting into a relationship. I don’t want embarrassments anymore. I don’t want disappointments, heart breaks or a crushed spirit just because a man suddenly realises I’m not at a good place in life. I hope I’ll have the strength to do this. I’ll try my best not to let my loneliness and desperation get the better part of me. Men are not going  anywhere. They will always be around.