28/05/2010

I’ll tell you what I want to do now:

Have tons of sex.

Alright, maybe not tons of sex but I want a handsome boy by my side. We could talk about silly stuff and laugh or go out for a meal and later get drunk and come back home in the morning and stay in bed the whole day tomorrow.

Or we could watch a  movie, have dinner and an early night then wake up early tomorrow to go for a walk and a picnic, and then spend the evening blasting dance music as we get ready to go out.

What I’m saying really is that I feel lonely. Very lonely and I’m fed up of hearing people talking about what they did with their boyfriends. Or seeing couples walking hand in hand in this lovely weather or kissing at the beach like the two I saw yesterday who couldn’t get their hands off each other. I was at the beach in the evening, sleeping and pretending to sunbathe. Alone on my towel. Oh, I pretended to read too. Yeah, I was at the beach pretending to read  while checking out hot guys and inwardly sniggering at the loved up couples.

You know what made me go the beach? Waking up at 3 pm.

First I was up at 6 am. In terrible abdominal pain. No painkillers in my room so I got up to go to the kitchen to see if the other housemates had any;  nothing in the kitchen, so I went back to my room, tossed and turned until I fell asleep. When I woke up the pain was gone and it was a few minutes to 3. It was hot and sunny outside. I had planned to spend the day working on my assignment but I thought ‘fuck this, I’m going to the beach . I don’t care if I’ll stand out because I’m alone. I don’t care if nobody talks to me. I going the fucking beach.’

And I did. For two hours in my skimpy dress, I lay on my towel, pretended to read, walked by the shore, threw stones in the water, took pictures of myself. Alone. Nobody looked. Nobody talked to me. Nobody approached me. There were all loved up with their families, friends and boyfriends. Having BBQs and drinking. After two hours I left. Alone.

26/04/2010

I went to the library’s IT suites today with the intention of doing some catching up on some work I missed out on Friday on the university’s online learning facility. I sat in front of one of the computers and after a few seconds realised my account has been disabled. I immediately knew why. I owe some money. Normally when it gets to this time of the year when almost everyone has already paid there is usually no warnings or a grace period, your account just gets disabled until a payment is made. In the past I’ve always had to go to the account’s office and negotiate and promise to pay on a particular day before I was allowed into my account. Well, today I had no energy for that. I just couldn’t. I’m sick and tired of the humiliation. I hate to know that those people behind the desk at the office are looking at me and judging me. I had spoken to my mother about it during the weekend (she was supposed to make the payment) and she said the reason she didn’t is because she  didn’t have enough funds in her account when the cheque from the university came through, having just paid for some stuff my brother needed for school. It has to be until next week, meaning I can not log in to check my emails or book anything out from the university. Since I was not intending to go to the account’s office I decided to send a text to my mother and then go home. As I was sitting there doing this, this guy walked in. I wa texting and just happened to glance at the entrance door. I hadn’t seen him around in weeks. As usual my heart fluttered. He’s just reminds of King so much all I want to do is look at him. He walked towards the computers on the side I was sitting on and went to sit to the one next to me. Wow. I actually stopped texting and kept on stealing glances from the side of my eye. As he sat down, a girl leaned over to him. I realised this was the girl who was walking behind him. She hummed that song…loving you, is easy coz  you’re beautiful…a bit loudly while she waited as he got something from his bag and gave it to her.  She took it and leaned further to kiss him and then walked away. My heart sunk. Very low. I don’t know if I wanted to die or run away but at that moment my hands just randomly stopped texting and I sat there in a  haze for a few seconds. How fucking lovely. He has a girlfriend who thinks he’s beautiful. I think he’s beautiful too. I think he’s the most beautiful man around but of course I can’t have him. He doesn’t even know I exist. He wouldn’t even want someone like me. I was going to go immediately after texting but I decided to linger around just to watch him. So, there they were. Everyone was being happy with their girlfriends/boyfriends and then there was me: no money even the university has to suspend my account now and then to remind of this and no one to even so much as feign interest in me. I haven’t stopped thinking about this incident since. Fuck me, how lovely is my life?