16/01/2010

I feel really bad today. My friends are out for the night and I’m here in front of my laptop, trying to do something useful. I don’t have money so I can’t afford to go out tonight. I know it’s not really important but I feel like I’m missing a lot. The fact that my friends don’t know about this and obviously I can’t tell them drives me even more mad.

07/12/2009

Be the person you want to be in a relationship with.

I’ve just heard those words. That statement must be the best piece of advice ever given. How is it that you are going to say “I want a man who is this and that” while you are not this and that yourself? How would you feel if this man said to you that he wanted you to be this and that, yet it is clear from looking at him that he is no where near this and that himself?

I should know this. I mean, I got this from King. He wanted me to be free of problems. He wanted me to be happy all the time, even when he was the source of my unhappiness. Even when it was plain for all to see that he was depressed and unmotivated, and he took that out on me. Me, the person that was also depressed and unmotivated. It was that vicious cycle we were in. So now I know: I’m NOT the person I want to be in a relationship with. I have so many things to sort out about myself. I have so many ugly things about me. So many issues. Yes, I constantly crave men who are way ahead of me, in a different league. I need to change. I need to be a better person. Change the things about me that are not so great, for the better. Only then, will I set out to look for a man.

My mind’s made up. I’m going off men for the next seven months. Until I graduate, until I sort myself out. I want to work, very hard, to make myself happy first. To go for what I want. To get it. To change what I don’t like, then I’ll see about getting into a relationship. I don’t want embarrassments anymore. I don’t want disappointments, heart breaks or a crushed spirit just because a man suddenly realises I’m not at a good place in life. I hope I’ll have the strength to do this. I’ll try my best not to let my loneliness and desperation get the better part of me. Men are not going  anywhere. They will always be around.

01/12/2009

I can’t recall the exact number of times I’ve cried this past weekend, and today. I usually hate Mondays but today was different because I handed in my last assignment. So that’s it. I’m done for this semester. I crash-landed, but at least I got there. I have about six more months and then it’s a wrap. My miserable excuse of a university life ends. Just like that. I’m still left with that question.What next? Another miserable existence? No prospects. No hope. No happiness. I don’t think I could do it. I pray things change. I’m looking for ways to change things.

I was looking back at my plans for next summer today. I want to do so many things but when I sit down to look at them and attempt to even start planning, I get that sunken feeling. The feeling that all my plans are going to fall apart. It won’t happen. I can’t afford it. I wish they would go away because I really want to do many things with my life.One thing that I’m certain about  is the fact that I will go to Italy. The Italian is the main reason for this but it doesn’t stop there.

I’m now wide awake in bed. I just finished watching a very touching Spanish drama called Princesses. It’s about two prostitutes and their struggles. All I can say is ‘Ain’t this life a bitch?’ I was also looking at some pictures of King on my computer. I had taken them when he was asleep. He looks so peaceful and content, I just found myself yearning for him again. I remember the night before I took those photos we had sex three times. I loved his stamina. His body too. I miss him and I’m not ashamed to admit that to myself or even to him. If only he realised how much hurt he caused me when he cheated. It’s funny  that he constantly says he wants to be loved yet when I came into his life, loved him and remained faithful he still messed it up. I guess a leopard never changes its spots.

24/11/2009

I’m getting ready to go to bed. I was going to sleep earlier but as usual I decided to wait to see if my ‘ex’ ( I’ll call him King from now on because his real name roughly means that) would come online. I waited on Skype, Yahoo…nothing. I know that he works late into the night but I just wait because sometimes he just comes online earlier than I expected. In short, it’s hard to know with him. He doesn’t live in UK and we have a two-hour time difference. It’s hard to say where or what we are now. All I know is that most of the times when he comes online we end up having cyber sex and I end up going to bed thinking and dreaming about him, making things even worse for me because I know he doesnt feel the same way. I even know for a fact that he does this with other girls. So many of them. It was one of the reasons why what we had ended. I poured my heart out to him about how hurt I was. He retaliated by blaming me and his work/depression. He then asked me to give him time and forgive him, then we left it at that. Next thing I know, we are just saying ‘Hi honey, How are you?, Go on cam, You look sexy…e.t.c’. We dont talk about it. Deep down I know it’s over. The cyber sex is just that, but I can’t stop hoping. I know he is not right for me. He’s got so many issues. He’s a liar. He’s a cheat. He’s a manipulator. He’s controlling and emotionally abusive but I still hope. There is something terribly wrong with me. I even dream of being his wife. I think it’s the fact that I’m very lonely and no man is checking me out.