07/12/2010

I was going to blog about how the devil incarnate of a landlord harassed me over the weekend, how I took a fall in the snow, how I’ve had to move out, how I caught yet another cold and how today is the only day in about 10 that I’ve properly eaten, but I’ll do that in another post. Instead I’m going to  have a little rant about my father.

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My dad is the most spineless man I’ve ever come across. Wimpish is a big understatement when defining him. I resent him very much for this, and off late my feelings have lingered dangerously on the hate scale. You can go crazy on the comments and tell me I have ‘daddy issues’ if you like.

But  listen to this: He has three properties abroad – properties which he wouldn’t have bought were it not for my mum constantly nagging him to make an investment. In fact she practically just got up one morning and stole a huge sum of money from his account and went to buy these properties. He didn’t speak to her for ages after this. Anyway, of the three properties, one is a three bedroom house in a  desirable area, where he could make a lot of money if he wanted, for a family to rent  or make it a holiday let. But no, he doesn’t see it that way. What’s happening instead? He’s let my uncle live there and run the place down. My uncle does not care about the property because it’s not his anyway. It’s like his little holiday retreat where he does everything and expects someone to pick his mess up for him, only there is no one to do that so the place is left in right state. He hasn’t kept up with the bills, or even paid the caretaker that was originally there for ages, he chooses instead to stay away partying and living it up. Ever since we learnt about this, all my father has done is complain but not do a single thing. He remains silent. I mean who the fuck does this? Whenever my mum talks directly to this useless uncle of mine, he promises he’ll sort things out, but he doesn’t! I’ve told my dad for the past one year to get out there and kick some arse. For fuck’s sake if it means throwing the man naked out in the streets in the middle of the night, do it! No he can’t. He worries instead what his families and friends will think of him. Yes, laugh with me please. My dad’s sole purpose in life is to impress people and to look good or wealthy in front of others. This makes me very angry because most of our relatives don’t care about us, especially when they know we are cash-strapped. They just want to take, not give. They don’t even communicate enough with my parents, especially since the financial situation started – when they do it’s usually to show off. So why in the world would he care about what any one of them thought? Are his relatives, friends, and more annoyingly, his ‘status’ important than the welfare of his children? Or his children’s inheritance? I don’t get it, what kind of man is this? The kind of man who complains about the living costs of his daughter at uni because he thinks that money could have been spent on something else, like buying a flashy car. Where did this type of man come from? I’m finding it really hard to  believe I share the same DNA as this man. A father is supposed to be responsible. And aren’t parents supposed to walk to the ends of the earth for their children? So why this selfishness?

It doesn’t help matters that when things are bad, he thinks he’s the only one suffering. He thinks he’s the only one stressed about the money situation. He thinks he’s the only one not having enough to save or spend. It’s always about me, me, me. Everyone should feel sorry for him. My mum should drop what she’s doing and baby him. He’s got this way of eating at your spirit that is so exhausting I can’t take it anymore. I’m not the parent here, he’s the parent. He’s capable and able-bodied, I will not suffer in the name of pandering to his needs. I simply refuse to suffer because it’s avoidable. Because I want to live well. Because I don’t want to have someone who can not so much as think creatively for himself, who wants every decision to be made for him. I’m too young for that.

I actually really, hand on heart, feel very sorry for my poor mother for marrying such a man. I do not regret saying that here. If I was going to post everything about how my mother has suffered being with my father, I’d never stop typing. It’s almost as if she had 3 children instead of 2.

I mean, by God, I don’t  want a man like my father in my life. Never. I will not so much as glance at one.

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21/10/2010

For two weeks I’ve heard only £5 with me. I bought milk on Monday and spent £2 on a Starbucks coffee while out with BB because he said to share, and I don’t want to look like a leech. But he knows I don’t have any money! So why would he ask that?

Yesterday evening I made fried rice, had it with baked beans and fish cakes. Random combination I know, but I’m eating everything that is in the house just to fill my body so that I don’t starve. Speaking of starving, I’ve had only one meal a day, for two weeks now. I don’t count breakfast because it’s useless. Sometimes it’s just two pieces of toast or a small slice of cheap cake. Oh, I spiced the rice with chillies and rosemary, just to make it taste…nicer?

I now have £0.50 until next week when I get £150 which I’ll have to pay £120 towards my weekly rent, after that I’m supposed to economise the £30 for about three weeks.

Reasons for all that?  I don’t have a job..again! And my mother’s left for work abroad, which was supposed to bring a glimmer of hope in our lives but has turned into yet another source of trouble. There is a lot of paperwork to sort out before she starts getting paid – I was relying on this to keep me going for the time being. I feel like our family is going nowhere, every decision we make no matter how hopeful turns out to be a deadend or a massive struggle before we see any  payback. And I blame my dad! Yes my dad. I might sound like I’m putting too much on him, but there is a huge story I haven’t told on this blog about how he is the cause all of this to us. I’ll tell when all’s well. When this is just a nightmare of the past. But, when will that be? Next year? The year after? Probably never because things never seem to be OK with me.

I’m very scared now especially with my mum away. I have no one and morbid as this may sound but I worry about dying. Alone. Here in this pitiful state. Since she left I’ve heard numerous dizzy spells and felt so weak, I had to grab onto something when walking up and down the stairs of the new shared flat that I moved in. The flat where everyone seems to be cooking and consuming sumptuous dishes! Where I feel harassed. I get into the kitchen and it’s always a case of ‘don’t put that there, you must leave this here’…argh. I don’t care where the bloody vacuum cleaner should be. Honestly.

With BB now I feel used, exploited, whatever other synonyms you know, use them here. I feel like I’m getting nothing out of it. He goes and comes when he pleases. But I’m needy. I literally have no one to talk to, and the little company and physical contact he gives me makes me feel human. Of course he doesn’t know how needy I am because I don’t show it. But, I’m falling apart.

I know I’ve heard very bad times in the past, but these so far are my darkest. I want so bad to get out of here, I’d give anything.

23/07/2010

From this post: Yes, I think my dad is depressed.  I’ve been depressed too so it’s clear for me to see. My mum thinks this too but she has this absurd way of walking around  issues without really dealing with them. My mother has also gone through periods of extreme stress but being busy and being responsible for keeping the family together coupled with a very resilient character has made her stay on top of things.

When I was 18 and everything was starting to fall apart,  my mother took out her stress and frustrations on me. Being the eldest child, she would tell me off about anything that happened at home that she did not like. She would even refer to my brother’s mistakes as mine. If my brother did something she would start with ‘you children always do this…e.t.c”. Being a teenager and going through that roller coaster phase that every teenager goes through I always made sure to let her know that I was not happy with that. I would argue with her, we would talk about things as a result of these arguments and I would get it out of my chest and then we would make up, but of course she never stopped. She  minimised it, but she didn’t stop. I understood somehow that her treating me differently from my brother was because  she was looking to me as the eldest of the two to set an example which is fair enough. However, it was very tiring  to have this kind of responsibility weighed upon me when it was that it could be shared, and sometimes none of it was my fault.

So she called me selfish. All the time. I was selfish because I told her her to be  specific about the mistakes I made and the mistakes my brother made. I was selfish for pointing out that responsibility was not mine alone. I became very frustrated that I didn’t communicate exactly what I felt because I have a introvert-extrovert kind of personality.  Sometimes I got really angry and complained and shouted and then cried. Sometimes I just stared at her blankly as she ranted away because I couldn’t take it anymore. I could feel my spirit dying away very slowly. She called this selfish.

So, I went around doubting myself. I’m I being selfish now? Is this right. What should I do here? Would my mother think this is selfish? I went around not thinking about myself and my needs because I was scared of being selfish.

Then I grew up. No longer a teenager and starting to understand the serious issues in life I decided to back away from unnecessary arguments with my mum. Our relationship changed to the point that I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want any arguments, so I usually told her calmly if I didn’t agree with her and just generally avoided unpleasant situations. If she was having a random rant I would just let her let it all out and then just nod or offer my very brief opinion and that would be the end of that. Part of me wanted a good relationship with her while the other part of me just wanted some peace and calm. I was tired and weary of arguments and resentment. I changed. I grew up. This has been good for me because we can now communicate as adults without any one of us going away huffing and puffing with resentment, disappointment or even anger. This change in attitude  also helped me learn that I can think about my needs and not be selfish. In fact these days I don’t listen to my mum when she starts with that selfish tirade, which thankfully she hasn’t done in about two years. I know better now and I think she finally realised that I saw through her manipulation because let’s be honest she was manipulating me by calling me selfish.

My dad is different. My dad is difficult. He’s an extreme introvert. I mean really introverted. He’s not flexible too. He has this type of personality where it’s very easy for him to develop a low self-esteem. With him, when things are going well, money flowing in, kids getting good grades, affluence…influence..you know the lot, he’s happy. When things are difficult he gets stuck in this negative and self deprecating rut that is almost impossible to get him out of.  Sadly, life isn’t that one-dimensional. I remember once last year he refused to talk to my brother because he was not getting good grades. My relationship with him hasn’t been bad at all, although being the way he is and with all the problems around us, most of the times he hasn’t made the effort to communicate with me. And when someone doesn’t communicate with you and you have so many issues to deal with it gets really difficult to  get talking properly about things. It’s also extremely hard when this person is very negative.

I don’t want to be around negative people. I don’t want to deal with negativity.  Is that so bad?

When I was away at uni my dad never really called me or sent me emails a lot, just the odd one. I used to send him  e-cards on occasions like his birthday or father’s day when I couldn’t afford the postal ones but he didn’t respond  most of the times. Our communication was mostly along the lines of:

‘Hi dad, are you alright, how’s everything bla bla bla. My uni work is this and that bla bla bla…’ and he would reply with the same kind of thing , ‘I’m fine…bla bla bla. This is what is happening at home bla bla bla…’

It was just like that. It worked most of the times because I understood that my dad isn’t that big on words and opening up, so I left it like that because I knew my dad loved me and I love him very much. I was aware it was due to my dad’s depression and the stressful situation were in so I just worked at making myself feel better first and making sure my family was OK.  Things got bad and they are now worse after he quit his  job. When I talk to my dad I feel as if I’m being judged for something. He used to call me the last few days when I was at uni and it always felt like I was under watch. We didn’t communicate. He was just frustrated.

‘What are you doing? Where are young going? I called and you were not at home, where were you? How are your studies?’

That is not a phone conversation. I hated that, so all I did was just answer his questions, offer brief explanations and that was that. My parents in general haven’t been the let’s-be-open-and-talk-about-everything kind of people. I don’t know, I guess it could it could be because of my parents need to protect us and in a way treat us as precious little children or it could just be tradition, but that’s the way it is and I can’t change that now.

Still, my mum is very hands on. She calls us, emails, talks to us. She is generally the one who’ll tell me to get out there and live life. She makes an effort to make everyone happy. Now my dad has started saying that we are excluding him in stuff and my mum is blaming me. He says that we are talking to each other and doing things together and leaving him out. I don’t understand this. It’s his doing. He doesn’t want to do things, he is always worried about how much money we spend. He’s constantly stressing over things and when my mother tries to make him do things to make him feel positive, he refuses to do them. He sometimes even refuses to go for walks or treat himself to something that will make him feel better. He just wants to stay at home and be depressed. I don’t want to live like that. I want to be happy. I want to meet people. So I make an effort not to be in the company of my dad because he is so negative and I don’t want his kind of mindset. It’s not that I don’t like him. I love my father but I don’t want to live like him. Is it so wrong that I don’t want this kind of life? Does loving your parents mean putting up with a negative attitude? I’m also a grown up now and I’m a woman, surely my relationship with my father is going to be different from my mother. At this point in my life, I’m going to be close to my mother than my father but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him or care for him. So  why is my mum blaming me?

She went to work yesterday and called me for about half an hour to tell me off. She says I should make an effort even if my dad does not make any effort at least I’ll have done my part. But why is this? It’s not fair. He’s the one who isn’t making any effort, so why shouldn’t he be told to make an effort? I’ve been extremely patient with the situation at home. I’ve respected him. I’ve never shouted at him and or been rude to him when things were getting extremely hard and when he was not being very nice to my mum. I’ve never demanded anything of him, so why I’m I being told that it’s my fault? It’s not my fault that he’s depressed. It’s not my fault that he’s not working towards feeling good and being happy. I’m angry at my mum for making me feel guilty. Deep down I know it’s my dad making my mum feel guilty. It’s his low self-esteem and depression that is making him think  he’s being neglected. I just feel as if every time I try to stay on top of things, my dad puts me down again.

Tell me what’s wrong with wanting to run away from all this negativity?

Whenever my mum starts going on about this, I always think of that moment when I found a note from my dad to my mum in the kitchen table with my mum’s bank statement.

‘We don’t have money. She’ll never finish university’

Or that day when my mum sent me a message asking me to come up with a surprise present to give to my dad after graduation. For his efforts. I’m sorry but as much as I’m supposed to thank my parents for financing my education but I’m the one who is graduating. And my mum is the one who has struggled a lot more than my dad. A lot more.  If I was goin to buy a present it would be for her.  But, I didn’t say anything. Didn’t complain, just focused on completing my  degree, and now I’m the one who isn’t making an effort.

16/07/2010

The company that gave  me an interview three weeks ago called me again this morning. Apparently they might take me on a temporary basis. I didn’t see this coming but you never know with jobs these days. I’m waiting for their email with all the details on Monday and hopefully I’ll have something to occupy me by the end of the week. Truth be told I was growing very weary and just about stopped looking for jobs last week. Not to mention how angry I am at my father at the moment. He quit his job two weeks ago. I fail to understand the kind of man who quits his job when his family really, and I mean desperately needs him. I’ve watched my mother slaving herself to keep us afloat and all my dad wants to do is sit at home and ‘rest’. He says he can’t cope. Who can?  Times are tough. I can’t cope either  but I’m out there looking for something. It’s not fair. I sat up in bed last night thinking about the situation and all I could think was of how  much  I resent my father and I won’t even lie I am very bitter , but you know what through all this I’ve learnt a very important lesson: Never to put up with a man like my father. In fact, I do not want a husband like my father in my life. I don’t know how my mum does it. I really don’t.

06/07/2010

I moved in with my parents last thursday. I feel restricted but my relationship with my mother is at it’s best and we talk about issues our family is going through more openly now. My dad on the other hand is a disappointment, but that’s another post. My routine since last week has been in this order:

Wake up, have breakfast, search and apply for jobs, go for a walk or a cheeky bask in the park, then come back home.

Well, it was until today.

I needed to post some documents and get a repeat prescription in town, so I left the house around noon, went to the library to print the documents because our printer is out of ink. I got to the library only to  realise I had forgotten my USB stick at home. Feeling extremely annoyed at myself for a wasted library session, I walked back home where I found the USB and decided to have a few minutes break before going back to the library. About half an hour later I went to the library, printed everything off and posted the documents. Having not spent a lot of time in this town, I didn’t know  where the local surgery was, so I went off looking. I had looked at google maps the night before so I had a specific road in mind and was following it in the hope of finding the surgery. After walking along the  road for a long time and looking around confused I decided to make my way back to the high street. At a slightly hilly corner next to a car park, I saw this man hurriedly walking towards my direction. I didn’t give him a thought. He was simply  a normal guy going about his business like I was. Then I saw that he slowed down as he got near  me. I hesitated but it turned out that  he wanted directions to the train station. I knew where it was so I pointed towards its direction and explained.  As I finished explaining and made to continue walking towards the high street he  said, nonchalantly:

“You are very beautiful. How old are you?”

That caught me off guard so  I smiled and told him. He continued.

“Do you live here?”

I told him I lived near  there  after  which he asked for how long and I went on to explain that I had just graduated from uni and moved in with my parents. At this point we were walking together on the direction that he came from. I guess he didn’t need the train station anymore. We got to the town centre where he asked me if I was free for drinks. I told him I would be after finding  the surgery and getting  my prescription first. He offered to drive me there adding that he had a satnav in his car. I thought why not. In the car we talked about stuff. The getting to know each other kind of stuff. Turns out he lives around too and works half an hour away for Barclays. Not bad I thought. And just like I suspected he said, “You are very petite.”

Petite…well, if I got a penny every time a   man told me that…e.t.c  It’s different this time though. I’ve learnt  to love myself. I’m better than say..last year, so it doesn’t matter. It’s my body I can’t change it.

We found the surgery and then he came back after a few minutes to pick me up again for a drink, I guess after remembering his train station business . He drove to a little pub by a hill I’d never seen before. We sat in the sun, talked more about his work, my job hunting process and my very long nails which he asked me to scratch his arm lightly because he said they looked beautiful and wanted to feel them. Half an hour later he dropped me in town and went his way. We are meeting again tomorrow afternoon for more drinks and a little sight-seeing in a beautiful park not too far away from the town centre as he put it.

We’ll  see what Barclays Boy has to offer.