15/12/2010

Met up with BB yesterday. I didn’t tell him about the shenanigans with the landlord and the other bad stuff,  I just pretended everything was OK. I did tell him that I wasn’t feeling well last week though – this was after he asked for us to meet up and I was half homeless so I didn’t have anywhere for him to come visit and was extraordinarily knackered. I still am, hence the lack of posts, but I’m working on calming down and relaxing.  A feat that is proving to be extremely difficult, but lying in bed and thinking about nothing does help a lot.

We hanged around at ‘mine’, then he said what he said this other time. I agreed. Inwardly I wondered wether the first time I came across as wishy washy. Wether in his eyes I look desperate. And lonely. A girl a man goes out because he feels sorry for. But then men don’t do this kind of charity, only women do. Only women go out with men because they pity them, so maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad. But then again, who knows? It could all be in my head. He said we should be friends, but the added that we should take a break, then while parting he said he’d contact me so we could spend sometime together when he was completely available. Then, when it he was completely available it would work, not now.

“Sex doesn’t work with us. I can’t give you more…more time.”

I don’t know if I want more or not. I’m not sad. Even if he never contacts me again and was just saying that for the sake of saying it. I had a great time with him, a great learning/growing up time.

We had lunch, talked about Ikea, gassy coke,  how you can never go wrong with chips and listened to The Eagles on the way home. I have thought about this incident as I would normally do in my usual state of paranoia, but he’s like Fish now, someone I wouldn’t want to lose. I want him in my life, and unlike Fish, I would love to see him again and have the same great intimate times we had again. He started off someone I didn’t think very much of, but now I respect and look upto him a lot, probably too much.

I never thought I’d think or say this but BB is a good man, and yes he’s now going on that list in the tag. He also implored me not to be alone at Christmas. Saying if he didn’t have a lo of family dos to go to he would be with me but he can’t be available, so I should just jump at the chance if anyone invites me. I said that would be desperate, and I would be alright, but he insisted I shouldn’t be alone. Aaaaw…

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15/11/2010

Things I’m  learning about myself from this  ‘thing’ with BB:

  • I think about sex too much.
  • But I’m congenitally incapable of doing casual sex very well.
  • Because I’m too emotional a person. I need to feel I belong with a man. I need to be acknowledged on an emotional level. I also care too much. I wake up in the morning and wonder if he had a good night. I sit at home having lunch and wonder if he’s having lunch with his friends, alone? What is he having? Is he enjoying it? I listen to travel updates and ask myself whether he’s stuck in traffic somewhere bored out of his brain. When he gets home, is he happy to see his baby? Does he spend his weekends making funny faces and making him laugh?
  • Also because my PCOS drives me mad. Immediately after my period, unless I really trust someone  it can be quite an effort for me to have sex. Too many true and false PMS-esque symptoms during that time. And I just can’t sit someone down – someone who is essentially still not close to me and start explaining all my reproductive woes. I’d rather pass the sex itself at that time. So I worry a lot instead, mostly about him, not me. Mostly about how I seem not to be in the mood.
  • And what does that say about me? I’m pathetic. End of story. But of course I want  a very healthy relationship.  That I’m sure of. I may suffer from a terrible and great deal of low self-esteem and other great crazy but that’s one thing I’m sure of. That’s why I said no to Fish. I’m not at my best emotionally and if I said yes I would lose him – something I don’t want to do because I want him in my life. If he still wants me when I’m ‘healed’ then I think I will say yes. At the moment it’s ok for any other woman to have him, although there isn’t any yet.
  • I like and prefer intelligent men. I mean,  BB isn’t dim, but God knows we don’t have any mentally stimulating conversations. Of course I’m aware life is about compromise so I can compromise if a man brought something else to the table, like kindness, unconditional love, streetwiseness and money, yes money – don’t get me wrong but I’m a woman, I don’t just lay with anyone, there are consequences to think of, it’s nature. And I won’t be PC about it, in fact all women shouldn’t be PC about it. All women who pretend to be PC about money in regards to relationships want to have the good life to themselves and leave you out to dry. True story. So where was I? Yes, intelligence. An intelligent man is powerful to me. A powerful man turns me on. I have respect for a powerful man and in order for me to love a man I have to respect him. Money = Power too, that’s why I can compromise. A powerful man also makes me feel protected and taken care of. I feel safe in the company of a powerful man. I feel my future children will be safe with a powerful father. A powerful man doesn’t worry about his position in society so he doesn’t have time to have ‘issues’, instead he has the time to love me.
  • I need to be more kind to myself.
  • Unmasking myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable is actually good for me. Allowing people to see the real me and being honest about my situation is good for my personal growth. BB is the only person in a long time who has actually seen how bad my financial situation is. Most of the times I feel ashamed by what is essentially a situation that is not my fault, but what can I do? He still insists on seeing me, so that’s what he’ll see.
  • I am beautiful – I know this but I needed a reminder after a very long time. From the first day that he met me, BB told me that I was beautiful every single time we met. Every single time. He’s never stopped. No faffing around with words, he just says these exact words every single time: You are beautiful.
  • I like kissing men’s noses.

01/08/2010

A few days after this, I woke up one morning very livid. The last person I spoke to the previous night was Fish and he had somehow approached a very significant landmark with me so I decided I was going to put an end to the bullshit. I was going  to do some investigation on BB. Alas, I didn’t so much as start when I got not only one but three emails from him. Wasn’t he supposed to be with his dad in Wales? Feeling even more perplexed I opened them. One was an automated email to connect with him on messenger. Not going to happen! The second one was him asking how I was doing and that he was hoping we would see each other soon, the third one was specific, asking me on the exact days I was going to be free to meet him. Oh, so he was calling the shots now? OK, from the beginning I let him call the shots – afterall he found me – but on this particular day something had already snapped and I wanted to show him that he couldn’t just get his way when he wanted, so I sent a reply after two days. I said I was available but didn’t give a specific time. He sent a reply a day later apologising for the late response (after one day? was he desperate for a quick shag?) and he  mentioned two days that he was free, about a week from the days I said I was available. Again, I let it sit while I pondered on the next step to take. Two hours later he sent another email saying he was in fact available for ‘a little bit’ the next day. Growing increasingly pissed off, I just let this one sit as well. Two days later I replied to the emails saying the only time I would be available would be during  the weekend. I did this just to see what he would say because it seemed weird that the only time he wanted to meet me was during the week. He hasn’t replied yet. It’s been four days. I was curious on how he was going to reply, now I’m not. In fact I blocked his address because I ended up doing some investigation afterall. On the old Facebook. I don’t have an account there but God bless Mark Zuckerberg and his privacy laws because it’s all there. I now know where he lives and he is indeed married. I just needed to confirm that and then end it. I’m done.

On to the conversation I had with Fish:

“So, how’s the part-time job going?” he inquired over the phone. I had just had a hot shower and the plan was to go to bed very early. He called just as I was about to pull the covers over.

“Mmmmh…OK. It’s only two days. I’m not really happy with it.”

“It doesn’t matter. You have to start somewhere,” he assured me.

“Yeah…”

A moment of silence passed before I heard…

“You know it’s been seven months now , and I know we have the distance issue to consider but I really want to be with you.”

What? I had to get out of bed. Surely he didn’t say that.

“Wha…what do you mean?” I whispered helplessly. So many things were going through my head.

“It would really make me happy if you were my girlfriend, and I don’t care about the problems you have. We can deal with them, don’t you think? I want to be there for you.”

“You have been.”

“No, I mean in a different way. More than I am now. What do you say”

“I don’t know,” I heard myself reply.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I heard a slight change in his voice. Was that the tone of disappointment? I gripped the phone to my ear more tightly because my hand had started shaking. Here I was on the phone to this man who I’ve wanted so much that I cried myself to sleep. I dreamt about him. His voice, his face, everything about him made my heart sing and now he tells me that I have the chance to be his, to get exactly what I wanted and ‘I don’t know?’. Why don’t I know? What don’t I know?  Sure enough I wasn’t expecting this. In fact, it had been  a while since I had any hope of something like this happening. Just the other week, I was going to cross him off my list and accept that all he was ever going to be was a friend. But no, he had other plans.

“What don’t you know?” he continued.

“I just…don’t know”

“OK. It doesn’t matter. I’ll wait for you to know. When you are ready I’ll be here because I’m not changing my mind.”

I didn’t know what  say. He continued,

“Oh, and I’m still coming to visit **ET so I think we’ll talk more then,” he finished. A few minutes later I went to bed and woke up with the murderous urge to get rid of BB and his bullshit.

* * : Fish’s best friend. The one who introduced me to him. He is in UK  now and Fish is planning to visit him sometime this year.

02/06/2010

I was thinking about the weekend chat I had with Fish. It was around 6 pm and I was in the kitchen cooking when he came online and asked to have a video conversation with me. I said yes and turned the webcam on. We started chatting, but I couldn’t stop thinking… 

 ‘Do I look alright? Is my hair messy? I’m wearing my hair in a different style from the one he told me he loved, is that OK?  Do I look less beautiful because of that? What about my face? Does he think I look good?

Just look at that. Am I that insecure? 

As we kept talking I thought,  ‘what the hell, I should stop worrying about how I look. He should like me in whatever hairstyle I’m in or whatever time of day it is.’  So I forgot about it until today. You know, I’m trying. I am really trying to be a confident person. It’s not easy but I’ve got better in the past few months, it’s just that sometimes these things creep up on me and take over me and sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Sometimes it’s really bad all I want to do is curl up at a corner in my room and stay there. Sometimes it feels like everyone in the world has it all except me. I feel as if nothing beautiful will ever happen to me and it scares me.

31/05/2010

Fish turned 27  last week. There was no celebration because of his work commitments* so I just sent him a happy birthday message and wished him well. We hadn’t spoken in about two weeks so he asked if we could chat on messenger. We talked about stuff, mostly his work* and my uni projects.  Hearing  his voice, seeing his face…it’s just so beautiful. I really want this man.  As it is now, we are not in a relationship. We’ve never talked about the R word but there is something there. I can feel it and I know he can feel it too. I know he likes me. I don’t know how much but I think it’s a significant amount otherwise he wouldn’t be doing these things. Did I mention that he had to cancel a job interview to come and meet me for the first time?

The night before we met, we were chatting online and planning on when and where to meet when he mentioned that he had to call the company he was supposed to turn up for an interview the next morning. I wasn’t expecting that. He told me it was fine. In fact this is how he put it:

“The letter said I should call them if I had any emergency.”

“What’s the emergency  tomorrow then?”

“I want to come and meet you, so I can’t make it for the interview.”

“But it’s not an emergency,” I replied and laughed.

“Well it is. It’s an important day for me because I’m coming to meet you.”

“OK, but if the interview is important let me not disrupt you. Just go.”

“No, meeting you is important, not the interview.” he finished.

 I went into bed that night thinking this man meant business. Cancelling a job interview? But  here I am thinking and then what? He’s in a different country from me. What happens here? I don’t have a problem with LDRs but since we are not in a relationship, how do we make that step into one with the distance between us should things go that way? I’m really confused because I like him so much and I’m at that stage where I am scared of losing him. I keep thinking, ‘what if he meets someone else there? Someone more interesting than me?’.  He’s not mine yet but that’s how I feel. I promised myself I’ll do things right this time and be honest because the possibility of something happening is there  and if it doesn’t go that way, then I’ll try my best not to go crazy and still be friends with him because he really is very important to me. I’ve learned a lot from him. I want to keep him.

On the other hand I could be deluded. He probably doesn’t feel all that for me. I probably shouldn’t put all my hopes on us but my instinctints tell me otherwise and when this happens I’m almost always right.

*I’ll just go ahead and say what Fish does so you can understand exactly how the situation is. He’s in the army.