30/10/2010

Ugh! Somebody shoot me now.

I’ve got this pain in my left abdomen, just below my ribcage. It’s going…stab…pull…stab…pull…stab…pull…stab, then pull, then buuuurn. I don’t have painkillers with me.

I think I’ll go straight to bed after watching Strictly Come Dancing.

**Update: I went to bed immediately after Strictly Come Dancing, woke up at 5 am, turned on the telly only to be reminded by BBC News that it’s actually 4 am, so tried going back to bed again. Incredible pain continued, I started to panic and thought about A & E. So I got up, had a shower and conditioned my hair – just wanted to look my best in case I was going to turn up at A & E later or call an ambulance. None of that happened because I fell asleep while trying to keep warm in bed waiting for daybreak. I then slept the day away and woke up at 8 pm, no pain, but very hungry…tried getting out of bed but couldn’t for about an hour…in the distance I could hear the sounds of happy children trick or treating. Now I’m here typing away after managing to get something down my throat. Halloween 2010, you were glorious!

17/10/2010

I’m sad 😦 My hair’s falling out because of too much stress. My GP says there’s nothing he can do about it. Just try to control your stress levels and eat really really well. It will settle down, he says.

I can’t afford to eat really really well. 😦

But I’m going to get some iron and zinc supplements tomorrow.

06/07/2010

I moved in with my parents last thursday. I feel restricted but my relationship with my mother is at it’s best and we talk about issues our family is going through more openly now. My dad on the other hand is a disappointment, but that’s another post. My routine since last week has been in this order:

Wake up, have breakfast, search and apply for jobs, go for a walk or a cheeky bask in the park, then come back home.

Well, it was until today.

I needed to post some documents and get a repeat prescription in town, so I left the house around noon, went to the library to print the documents because our printer is out of ink. I got to the library only to  realise I had forgotten my USB stick at home. Feeling extremely annoyed at myself for a wasted library session, I walked back home where I found the USB and decided to have a few minutes break before going back to the library. About half an hour later I went to the library, printed everything off and posted the documents. Having not spent a lot of time in this town, I didn’t know  where the local surgery was, so I went off looking. I had looked at google maps the night before so I had a specific road in mind and was following it in the hope of finding the surgery. After walking along the  road for a long time and looking around confused I decided to make my way back to the high street. At a slightly hilly corner next to a car park, I saw this man hurriedly walking towards my direction. I didn’t give him a thought. He was simply  a normal guy going about his business like I was. Then I saw that he slowed down as he got near  me. I hesitated but it turned out that  he wanted directions to the train station. I knew where it was so I pointed towards its direction and explained.  As I finished explaining and made to continue walking towards the high street he  said, nonchalantly:

“You are very beautiful. How old are you?”

That caught me off guard so  I smiled and told him. He continued.

“Do you live here?”

I told him I lived near  there  after  which he asked for how long and I went on to explain that I had just graduated from uni and moved in with my parents. At this point we were walking together on the direction that he came from. I guess he didn’t need the train station anymore. We got to the town centre where he asked me if I was free for drinks. I told him I would be after finding  the surgery and getting  my prescription first. He offered to drive me there adding that he had a satnav in his car. I thought why not. In the car we talked about stuff. The getting to know each other kind of stuff. Turns out he lives around too and works half an hour away for Barclays. Not bad I thought. And just like I suspected he said, “You are very petite.”

Petite…well, if I got a penny every time a   man told me that…e.t.c  It’s different this time though. I’ve learnt  to love myself. I’m better than say..last year, so it doesn’t matter. It’s my body I can’t change it.

We found the surgery and then he came back after a few minutes to pick me up again for a drink, I guess after remembering his train station business . He drove to a little pub by a hill I’d never seen before. We sat in the sun, talked more about his work, my job hunting process and my very long nails which he asked me to scratch his arm lightly because he said they looked beautiful and wanted to feel them. Half an hour later he dropped me in town and went his way. We are meeting again tomorrow afternoon for more drinks and a little sight-seeing in a beautiful park not too far away from the town centre as he put it.

We’ll  see what Barclays Boy has to offer.

02/04/2010

I went out to town today to have lunch and read a book at Costa Coffee. My mum had given me an Easter present in the form of money for a meal out. The previous night I was really stressed and I couldn’t stop thinking about things; life, relationships e.t.c so I had gone to bed with a headache. I have also been experiencing the worst PMS episode ever. It came with terrible and I mean crippling breast pain. I considered going to the GP because I was getting scared but then I got advice from Bupa and NHS online that says this is normal for most women during this time, and that in fact stress makes it worse. Well, it seems I’m in a bottomless pit here. The only way to get out is to wait for the period to be over and try to control my stress levels.

Anyway.

So today, determined to feel good I got out of the house and got the bus. I normally get a discount because I have a student’s card but today I was told, counts as a bank holiday and students have to pay the normal fee. I had £40 in my purse. Having no more than the £1 coin I had expected to use, I whipped out a crisp £10 note and handed it to the driver. This driver by the way was an hour late! Yes, an hour late, operating on the Sunday timetable. That means, there was no bus to town for two hours. I stood freezing and mildly rained on at the bus stop for 40 minutes waiting for the bus. Right, with the £10 handed, the driver said he had no change so he gave me a ticket voucher  and a few coins. I grasped the voucher and the coins in my hand, looked at it for a few seconds. I was confused because I could see it seemed less than what I was expecting to get. He thought I’d never seen these credit vouchers, so he started explaining to me what they were. I told him I knew that. I went to sit down, so that I could count properly. I checked what was supposed to be given back to me on the calculator in my phone and turned it out I was right. He gave me less change. I decided to wait for a stop where someone was getting off to ask him about this.

I did. He denied giving me less change. He said he was pretty sure I gave him £5. He insisted. I tried to be calm about it, but I couldn’t so I started raising my voice. He kept saying that wasn’t true. I asked him why did he think that I would lie? Afterall I agreed to pay the huge ‘normal people’ fare. He kept denying it. At this time I was so furious so I turned to everyone on the bus and asked,

“Did anyone see me give him £10?,” they looked at me as if I was speaking in tongues. A woman at the front said she couldn’t know because she just got in after me. The rest kept quiet. I sighed turned to the driver and continued.

“You are not getting away with this. I gave you ten pounds.”

“Well, you have to wait until I clock off at the end of my shift and if I turn up with an extra five-pound note, then you will get it back”

“So, what do I do before then, do I just wait? I want to speak to headquarters and report about this.” I finished.

He told me to sit down and wait for us to get to the end of the route, where he promised we would discuss it. At the end of the route, I waited for everyone to get off and then went to him. He got a complaint form out and filled in my details and my contact number. I was so pissed at this point I was practically shouting at him. Afterwards he said he would leave this at the office and if an extra five pounds turns up then they would know its mine and call me and I would get it back. I said how could I be sure this would happen. He said to call the customer service number on the timetable outside the bus and tell them  about the incidence and that he took my details. I got out of the bus, promptly took the number on the timetable and called. The main countrywide office was open but the regional one was closed. I decided to save this number. I’m going to try calling tomorrow because I see they open on Saturdays, if not then it has to be Tuesday. I walked down to the high street and I couldn’t help it but start crying. I was so overwhelmed, so I decided to sit down on one of the town centre benches to catch my breath. Here I was, trying to feel good and then this. What a downer on my moods. I also started saving £10 a week since last month, so this has set me back. Why is it that I want to do something to change my life, or really to just change a single day in my life and something like this has to happen? What exactly did I do wrong? You would expect, it being Good Friday and all that goodwill would fall upon all mankind, no matter how undeserving, being that Jesus died today to save all men e.t.c. Or do I have to wait for the resurrection day on Easter Sunday for things to be extra fine for me?

I did learn something about myself today though: I’m very feisty. I’m sure those people on the bus didn’t expect a little looking girl like me to kick up such a fuss. I think that’s my strong point. And I promise you, if he hadn’t been so civilised as to tell me to wait to get to the end of the route to take my details I would’ve thrown a bloody tantrum and wrecked havoc in that fucking bus. I will not take bullshit from anyone, especially since I put with so much crap in my personal life. So, instead of a meal out, I went for a hot chocolate at Costa, tried to read, I couldn’t. I was just feeling awful. After the hot chocolate,  I went to get some ingredients for pancakes and a bottle of vodka, which I’m downing right now as I type this. What a lovely day that was, eh?

Despite all the nastiness I get in my life, I always try to find something good,even if it’s really insignificant, so today the highlight of this crappy day was the skin head I saw while waiting for the bus. He looked like he was fresh out of This Is England. He had a clean-shaven head, red combat-like boots, jeans rolled up to the near the knees, and red suspender like belts hanging from his waist. He bought a  sandwich from a shop, got out and started eating it while throwing out the tomatoes on the road. he didn’t have a care in the world and looked like he could do some mean things to someone but then juxtaposed with this is the fact that he also looked so handsome and harmless. I couldn’t stop looking at him. I could see beneath the tough guy surface that this guy had the potential to be really nice. I concluded that he must be rather ignorant and set in his ways. I thought if maybe he hanged out with a  different crowd and probably went to university e.t.c, he would now be cruising right past me in his expensive car while I stood there waiting for the bus. I smiled.

20/03/2010

I’m well and truly knackered. Yesterday I had breakfast at 7 ish. Went to uni and spent the whole day there. We had this workshop that was running the whole day. I enjoyed myself despite being hungry through out. During breaks I didn’t have any money on me, couldn’t go home to grab something (no bus fare) so spent that time in the library suppressing my hunger pangs. Got home at around 6 ish in the evening, made a simple pasta dish and promptly went to sleep. Woke up at around midnight with terrible stomach pains. Took some painkillers, read a chapter from Love Nest by Julia Llewellyn (yeah I read such) then went to bed again. I still have some stomach pains. Sometimes I don’t understand my body at all. I’ve had very many problems due to not eating well, and most of the times it really scares me. I know stress plays it’s part too. My GP started me on a daily iron intake mid last year because since mid 2006 I’ve been terribly anaemic, partly due to very heavy periods and of course not eating well.  I was also diagnosed with PCOS last year, something which I try not to think about and  my GP who refused to put me on any medication since I’m not overweight (far from it), or showing any other symptoms of this condition, except maybe crippling period pains, which most of the times are not related to PCOS anyway says medication is not really necessary as he doesn’t see it affecting anything at the moment. Anyway, I do try my best to keep my body in top condition.

I also learnt that I passed the first part of my project yesterday. I’m very pleased. If things go well with this project I’m working on, I might even end up with a 2:1. Not bad for a struggling little miss like me I guess. It probably shows I’m capable of doing far better without all the stress around me.