What is it they say about mixing business and pleasure?

My mum is almost done sorting  the paperwork  but last week she called to ask me to get some documents from her and my dad’s house and give it to her friend from work – who had the remaining half of these documents – who would then send them to her. I did as instructed. Found the documents, put them in an envelope and labelled them, then since I didn’t know where her friend lived – I also didn’t have any money to go anywhere that day – I called her to ask if she would come to where I live and pick them up. She said she was at work, but that I should send them by post, she would get them the next day anyway. Right, I hanged up and as I was preparing to leave for the post office my mum called. She said since I’m giving the documents to her friend I might as well also give her some money to send the documents with because she didn’t want to give the impression that we were just using her when really I could go and get the rest of the documents myself and send them. Fair enough, but I told her the only money left in my account was the money I was saving for food. She assured me that it’s OK to use it because she would send me some to spend anyway. Great. And off I went.

I sent the documents, deposited the money in mum’s friend account (FedEx rates are disgusting) and sent her a text to say it was all done. She didn’t reply for a week. In fact, since we started communicating and essentially since I was introduced to her on the phone by my mum she sent me only three texts. One to say yes it was OK for her to have the documents, two to ask me which documents were they exactly because her house was in a mess so she needed to know which ones to find them quickly, three to give me her account details. Now I do understand that she was doing us a favour, but my mum says she’s her best friend from work. Meaning, favour or not she would go out of her way to do this for her good friend, no? So why was she acting like I needed to do everything and she needed to be spoon fed every little detail about the favour? She came off to me as the kind of person who says they’re your very good friend but uses it to manipulate you, since after all you can’t do anything because she’s your very good friend. Am I making sense?

A week later my mum sends me email to thank me and say the documents have arrived, and that I should also thank her  friend. But why didn’t the friend send me a text to say she’s sent them? Attached with the email was a copy of the FedEx receipt. I looked at it and saw that the she spent less money than I had calculated. Seeing that at exactly that time I had £0.37 in my account and was not feeling well after catching a cold I decided to give her a text to ask if she could put the remaining amount in my account. I was desperate, there was no food in the house, I was ill and my mum’s transactions to my account would take a day or two at best – that is if she got the time to get off her busy schedule at all. So I sent mum’s friend a text, said thanks and asked very nicely about the rest of the money. She didn’t reply. Three days later I sent another text. No reply. Another two days, text from me, nothing from her. At this point I’m feeling awfully ill. I wait a further three days. Nothing. A week, I’m literally starving and livid, I decided to send her a text every single day until she does something about the money. I do this for four days. No reply, then on the fifth day she sends a very short text saying not to worry, she’ll put the money in my account when she goes ‘there’. This was a very incoherent text, it took me ages to decipher what exactly she typed – mainly because I don’t use text speak and she does. When she goes there? Where? To the bank? Home? Where the fuck?

So I thought, woman, not to worry? It’s been almost two weeks! And you didn’t even bother replying! I mean had she replied and told me of any difficulties she was having then I would have understood, but she went silent on me. Again, as above, acting along the lines of since I’m a very good friend then it’s alright. No it’s not alright. It’s not alright because it’s not your money and you don’t communicate. You are also just assuming that everything is well on the other side. I mean I don’t expect her to know that I didn’t have any money but in these financial times  why take for granted what people are going through? I was really angry especially because I wasn’t eating at all and was ill at the same time. Fever, headaches, period, the lot.  So I was just walking around feeling like every bit of energy being drained out of me.

On the same day that she sent me this text, she sent my mum email. I knew about this because I was the first to read it – I have my mother’s password, she gave it to me for when she is very busy, yeah I don’t know, my mum just likes things done for her sometimes but these are the perks. Anyway in the email this woman went to town with the ranting. She kept on reminding my mum of  all the things she’d ever done for her, how good friends they were and then kept reminding her wether she had ever asked for money from her? I don’t like your daughter’s messages she went on. Why would I steal your money? I don’t want your money. Have I ever taken money from you and never given it back? She continues and then goes on to say how she didn’t like the situation at all, that she was not happy with the way I was going about things.

Now I knew I was dealing with something else. My texts did not mention anywhere the words steal, stealing, keep or even took and want. My texts were basic polite requests along the lines of ‘could you please,’  ‘it would be great if you could,’  ‘is it possible’, ‘just wondering,’…I was essentially begging this woman, so where did she get this thought that I wa accusing her of stealing money? She also reminds my mum about their good friendship and how she’s never taken any money from her. Yes, that’s her, my mum. Now you are dealing with me, her daughter, two different people and I’m not your good friend. So don’t apply the same rules because you’ve never met me and we have never had to deal with money or other issues between us, we don’t have that history. That alone should make you deal with me differently. You are not happy, so am I, in fact my blood is boiling because you are taking things for granted.

With the powers bestowed upon me by my mum to be in receipt of her email password, I sent a generic ‘I’m sorry about my daughter’s behaviour’ email. I know my mum, this is exactly what she would have done. I then went to my phone and sent another generic text saying my mum just called me and I’m sorry if I caused any offence. I backtracked on my initial stance of asking for the money every single day until she gave in because a.) I was very poorly and didn’t want any more stress b.) I figured this is how she wanted to play the game, with her very good friend syndrome, maybe she wanted to be begged and cajoled?

Five days now, still no money or a text from her. I’ve heard it’s going to snow later in the week, I hope it won’t in these parts because if it gets too cold and I don’t have any food? Argh…I want to smash some windows or cut my hair or something. These are the so-called friends people have. I boggle at her behaviour. Why do people do this? So they can have a hold on their friends? I’ve never held on to my friends’ money even though we were good friends. Money is money, I treat it like it is. I’m of the opinion that you never know what people need to do with money, so if you owe a friend some money, give it back as soon as you can and if you can’t tell them early on why you can’t, chances are even though they need it very much, they’ll understand. What’s so difficult about that? But when someone goes about testing a friendship with these cheap money tactics it becomes irritating.


I’m sad 😦 My hair’s falling out because of too much stress. My GP says there’s nothing he can do about it. Just try to control your stress levels and eat really really well. It will settle down, he says.

I can’t afford to eat really really well. 😦

But I’m going to get some iron and zinc supplements tomorrow.


I’m really pissed off. I’ve been in my bed crying for the past 15 minutes. I feel sick. I haven’t had anything to eat the whole day. I went out in the rain three times in the morning. I’m pretty sure I’m going to come down with a cold soon. I just hanged up on my mum. I can’t listen to what she has to tell me. I’m mad and I really don’t care anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone. To her or my dad or anyone. I just want to be able to eat something!!!

It’s these moments that make me think of  how much I fucking hate my life. I really do. I’d give anything to have a different life. To be someone else. Anything. I just don’t know…


I’m up and feeling so hungry it’s ridiculous! I just had four sachets of chicken soup yesterday and two slices of bread. What’s that? 500 calories a day? It’s fucking insane. The day before yesterday  I had roughly the same amount. I’ve been feeling so weak and had a splitting headache the only thing I could do was sleep. My heart seems to beat a bit faster than usual and this always scares me. I hate this. I’m still staying awake for the next two hours or so and then I’ll take a shower and go shopping for food. There will be some money in my account by then, hopefully.

My stomach hurts too. A lot.


Today I got up at noon. On a Monday morning. I had no lectures so I took advantage of that. It’s been a habit for the past few weeks and I guess I am lucky because most of my lectures are in the afternoon. I even wake up at around half an hour to and just make a quick dash for it. If you ask me, I wish I couldn’t go, even though they’re very important. I didn’t do much over the weekend because I had no money. I never have money. I just went shopping for food and a pair of skinny jeans. The pair of jeans cost me £18 ( after getting a 10% student discount). I was left with £12 to buy food for one week. I don’t know how I do it but that’s the money I get to spend each week. Most of the times I don’t buy anything that will ‘waste’ this meagre amount . Food is the only thing I think about. I have to. If I don’t I might end up starving myself and falling ill ( which has happened a lot in the past two years than I care to remember)

I get the random comments about how fit my body is. Random questions of how I managed to lose weight. Well, I didn’t. It just happened and I think most of the times I’m not happy with the way my body looks. I hear people saying how much they struggled to lose weight and all I can think of is ‘It’s money, love. You have money, you can buy food. Any type of food. How about you try being poor? Barely affording two meals a day? Let’s see how fast you’ll lose that weight’. They disgust me sometimes.

So, after getting up at noon. I did some cleaning, had brunch and set off for uni to start my research on an essay due in seven days. I’m really not enthusiastic about this essay or the project that accompanies it in general but I’m hoping for the best. I dont know why but I seem to have luck with such things. I always end up with a pass, even after a great struggle and random feelings of failure. While doing research and reading, I kept remembering the dream I had last night. It was about my ex-boyfriend. Well, I wouldn’t exactly call him my ex-boyfriend because I’m not sure if what we had was a relationship. In the dream, we spent most of the time kissing and I spent most of it looking at him and feeling hopeless, used and lost…ugly even.