15/11/2010

Things I’m  learning about myself from this  ‘thing’ with BB:

  • I think about sex too much.
  • But I’m congenitally incapable of doing casual sex very well.
  • Because I’m too emotional a person. I need to feel I belong with a man. I need to be acknowledged on an emotional level. I also care too much. I wake up in the morning and wonder if he had a good night. I sit at home having lunch and wonder if he’s having lunch with his friends, alone? What is he having? Is he enjoying it? I listen to travel updates and ask myself whether he’s stuck in traffic somewhere bored out of his brain. When he gets home, is he happy to see his baby? Does he spend his weekends making funny faces and making him laugh?
  • Also because my PCOS drives me mad. Immediately after my period, unless I really trust someone  it can be quite an effort for me to have sex. Too many true and false PMS-esque symptoms during that time. And I just can’t sit someone down – someone who is essentially still not close to me and start explaining all my reproductive woes. I’d rather pass the sex itself at that time. So I worry a lot instead, mostly about him, not me. Mostly about how I seem not to be in the mood.
  • And what does that say about me? I’m pathetic. End of story. But of course I want  a very healthy relationship.  That I’m sure of. I may suffer from a terrible and great deal of low self-esteem and other great crazy but that’s one thing I’m sure of. That’s why I said no to Fish. I’m not at my best emotionally and if I said yes I would lose him – something I don’t want to do because I want him in my life. If he still wants me when I’m ‘healed’ then I think I will say yes. At the moment it’s ok for any other woman to have him, although there isn’t any yet.
  • I like and prefer intelligent men. I mean,  BB isn’t dim, but God knows we don’t have any mentally stimulating conversations. Of course I’m aware life is about compromise so I can compromise if a man brought something else to the table, like kindness, unconditional love, streetwiseness and money, yes money – don’t get me wrong but I’m a woman, I don’t just lay with anyone, there are consequences to think of, it’s nature. And I won’t be PC about it, in fact all women shouldn’t be PC about it. All women who pretend to be PC about money in regards to relationships want to have the good life to themselves and leave you out to dry. True story. So where was I? Yes, intelligence. An intelligent man is powerful to me. A powerful man turns me on. I have respect for a powerful man and in order for me to love a man I have to respect him. Money = Power too, that’s why I can compromise. A powerful man also makes me feel protected and taken care of. I feel safe in the company of a powerful man. I feel my future children will be safe with a powerful father. A powerful man doesn’t worry about his position in society so he doesn’t have time to have ‘issues’, instead he has the time to love me.
  • I need to be more kind to myself.
  • Unmasking myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable is actually good for me. Allowing people to see the real me and being honest about my situation is good for my personal growth. BB is the only person in a long time who has actually seen how bad my financial situation is. Most of the times I feel ashamed by what is essentially a situation that is not my fault, but what can I do? He still insists on seeing me, so that’s what he’ll see.
  • I am beautiful – I know this but I needed a reminder after a very long time. From the first day that he met me, BB told me that I was beautiful every single time we met. Every single time. He’s never stopped. No faffing around with words, he just says these exact words every single time: You are beautiful.
  • I like kissing men’s noses.
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20/03/2010

I’m well and truly knackered. Yesterday I had breakfast at 7 ish. Went to uni and spent the whole day there. We had this workshop that was running the whole day. I enjoyed myself despite being hungry through out. During breaks I didn’t have any money on me, couldn’t go home to grab something (no bus fare) so spent that time in the library suppressing my hunger pangs. Got home at around 6 ish in the evening, made a simple pasta dish and promptly went to sleep. Woke up at around midnight with terrible stomach pains. Took some painkillers, read a chapter from Love Nest by Julia Llewellyn (yeah I read such) then went to bed again. I still have some stomach pains. Sometimes I don’t understand my body at all. I’ve had very many problems due to not eating well, and most of the times it really scares me. I know stress plays it’s part too. My GP started me on a daily iron intake mid last year because since mid 2006 I’ve been terribly anaemic, partly due to very heavy periods and of course not eating well.  I was also diagnosed with PCOS last year, something which I try not to think about and  my GP who refused to put me on any medication since I’m not overweight (far from it), or showing any other symptoms of this condition, except maybe crippling period pains, which most of the times are not related to PCOS anyway says medication is not really necessary as he doesn’t see it affecting anything at the moment. Anyway, I do try my best to keep my body in top condition.

I also learnt that I passed the first part of my project yesterday. I’m very pleased. If things go well with this project I’m working on, I might even end up with a 2:1. Not bad for a struggling little miss like me I guess. It probably shows I’m capable of doing far better without all the stress around me.