11/03/2010

I’m thinking about not attending the graduation ceremony this summer. For several reasons. First, I just remembered an event that the family attended and my dad was really grumpy and uninspiring. I will not have that. I will not have other people see me in that situation. Second, I want to look my best at least for once in my three years in this place, but that seems very impossible. I wanted to save money to buy a nice summer dress and some nice heels but that too is not feasible because I have to save money for some other stuff that needs doing this summer, and as if I need to mention it, I don’t have a lot of money in the first place to save from. Third, I don’t have any friends, so while everyone will be catching up and being all jovial, I will just be standing there chatting to my parents, or rather just my mum if my dad happens to be in one of those moods. I can’t do that. I don’t want to put myself through that. I’ve decided this year it’s about striving for the best, if I can’t have the best, then I wont bother. I’ve always felt like I don’t fit in with the crowd at my uni. Obviously, due to all the things that I lack, material wise of course, otherwise what else? So, I will not let this fact be further illustrated on that day. The most important thing for me now is to complete my degree and pass. I want to begin a new phase of my life as soon as possible. I don’t care about anything else.

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05/03/2010

I’ve been very busy in the past few  two days working on my project. I needed this to keep myself from thinking about how much I’m going to miss Fish come April. We talked yesterday and I felt at ease because it didn’t feel like it was the end after all. He’s taught me the importance of being a perfectionist. Of wanting the best. I’m going to strive for that. My uni work seems to be going well if not a tad bit slow. I don’t know what it is with people in my university but no one seems to want to help. They are cocooned in their little cliques and if they don’t know you, they just won’t help. It’s unbelievable how frustrating this is, especially for a course like mine where working on a practical project, no matter how suited to an individual it is, one needs to have a little help here and there. I’ve just had about enough of it and I can’t wait to graduate. I have my fingers crossed that anyone I approach for help, will at least do so. I need a good grade because I really, in the literal sense can not afford to fail. I just need a degree to able to even at best hope for a different life from what I have right now.

Which brings me to something else: money. I’ve come to that point in my life where when I hear anyone say that money can not buy you happiness I get this sudden animalistic urge to smack them. That is a lie. Money can buy you happiness, fuck what you heard. I’m living proof. If you have money, you buy things that you love, you go to places you love. Subsequently, if you love something  that means it makes you happy. You a re happy. It’s as simple as that and I don’t want anyone telling me otherwise. In fact I’m starting to believe it’s only rich people who say this to poor people to keep them in their place. I will not be one of those poor people. I don’t want to be obscenely rich. I just want a decent life. Ugh. I hate being poor. Right now for instance I’m contemplating if I’ll have enough money to buy materials for my project. It’s ludicrous. There are bills coming my way in about two weeks. I have food to think of. This is not the kind of life anyone should be living and I don’t believe that anyone can be happy in my situation, I don’t care what explanations they give.

So, I’m going to bed hoping to wake up very early tomorrow so I can bury myself in work to prevent me from thinking about my life or money for that matter. My fridge is empty  and I’m not even sure I’m going to have a single proper meal tomorrow. My bank account, well I have £0.33 in balance.

19/02/2010

Went to the bank on Tuesday, tried to increase my overdraft limit. It didn’t happen. First, they asked me why. I told them I’m embarking on a very money consuming project for my degree and I lack the necessary funds. Went through a budget plan with them. They told me they would call me in three hours. In three hours they called to ask for my home address from seven years ago. I gave it to them. I haven’t heard from them since. I hate living in this country.

15/02/2010

Last week, I handed in my project. It’s the penultimate one, about 40% of my final degree. On that day I was so emotional it was insane. Two days before hand in, I had some sudden chest pains. I thought it was the stress causing this so I tried to control it by sleeping enough, eating well and trying not to panic about my work. As the pain progressed, I began to get scared. I’m on The Pill and I was made aware by my GP that sometimes chest pains can arise. Being the hypochondriac that I am I began to worry about a heart attack. So, on the exact day before hand in I decided to go and see my GP again because I just couldn’t contain it anymore. I explained everything. Turned out, it’s some sort of heart burn, too much acid. I’ve never had heartburn in my life. My body does not react against any food, even with all the stress, so this was something new. He gave me some pills. I went home, took them, felt better instantly and slept the whole bloody day! The day that I was suppose to be wrapping up the project for crying out loud.

Luckily I woke up in the evening, spent the whole night awake. I finished the thing at about noon. No sleep for all those hours. I then went over to uni to bind everything together in a huge project file for hand in. Got there, the machine wasn’t working. I wanted to scream. Some other girls from my course were there. I don’t talk to them a lot but they were discussing about their projects and I just stood there listening. I started wondering whether I’d done the right thing with my project. Wether I’d pass. I just felt so useless at that time. That I’d basically wasted my time at university. I mean, it is very hard to be a very poor student at university. It really is. As much as I try to avoid this issue but my performance WILL be affected by this fact. I know it. It’s obvious to see. I stood there with terrible period cramps while I waited for the machine to be fixed. Later, I took the bus to go food shopping in town.

I got home, had something to eat then cried myself to sleep.

28/11/2009

I’m really pissed off. I’ve been in my bed crying for the past 15 minutes. I feel sick. I haven’t had anything to eat the whole day. I went out in the rain three times in the morning. I’m pretty sure I’m going to come down with a cold soon. I just hanged up on my mum. I can’t listen to what she has to tell me. I’m mad and I really don’t care anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone. To her or my dad or anyone. I just want to be able to eat something!!!

It’s these moments that make me think of  how much I fucking hate my life. I really do. I’d give anything to have a different life. To be someone else. Anything. I just don’t know…