30/07/2010

Before BB went ‘to see his dad in Wales’, we had a day out.

“Let’s meet at 12 pm.”

OK. But at 12 pm on a weekday? Aren’t you working?

I still turned up anyway. Mostly because I was feeling randy. I don’t know what I was expecting at noon on a weekday, but there he was in his office wear. The only thing missing was his tie. I got in his car, he kissed me and I instantly forgot about what he was wearing. There is a way in which he works his tongue. Belted and ready to go I heard:

“First, I’ve got to meet a work colleague and give him his car keys,”

“Where is he?” I asked, just to be polite. I really didn’t care. I just wanted him to myself and the sooner we got rid of said colleague the better. He mentioned a town 47  miles away. My heart sunk in disappointment and slight apprehension. Why did I have the feeling that this was going to be like the other ‘car breaks’ day? Even worse, it’s started before I could get any sort of action. Still, I figured I had nothing to do so I tried to fake some mild enthusiasm for this ‘road trip’.  He turns the radio up a bit, it starts raining and Kings Of Leon come on. It’s Closer and suddenly all I can think of is Fish.

Perfect car. Perfect weather. Perfect song. Perfect moment. Wrong boy.

He drives along and we are talking about stuff.  Raoul Moat, how many sexual partner’s we’ve had, anal sex, our favourite food and so on. All this time I’m asking myself questions. Does he really live in my town? Why is his colleague so many miles away? What kind of job does he do exactly? Does he even work where he says he does? We get to the town and he tells me he has to hand over the keys to his colleague at a Sainsbury’s store near a certain junction. He reaches for his satnav and I  feel slightly ashamed for getting over myself. Cleary, the guy doesn’t know his way around the town. In fact, we ended up spending 20 minutes looking for this junction. So I start to relax and after finding it he tells me to go somewhere, in a shopping centre or something and wait for him. Eeerm, right…you don’t want your work colleague to see me. There is no shopping centre, only a Next store. He suggests I wait for him there. I do. At this point I’m feeling particularly pathetic. I expected him to take about 10 to 15 minutes. 20 minutes gone, he’s nowhere to be seen. 25 minutes and I’m tremendously pissed off.

30 minutes. You bastard!

He turns up around 2 minutes past the half hour and we walk back to his car.

“If I see anyone I know, just ignore me. I’m supposed to be at work.”

I’m angry now. So, I get in the car and I remain silent for the better part of 10 minutes. He then mentions lunch and we stop at a Harvester pub mostly because he’s ravenous. Me? Not so much but I love Harvester grub so I cheer up a bit. We sit across each other and I look at this man in front of me. What I’m doing here? What is he thinking? While on our way to meet his colleague we stopped somewhere and indulged. A bit of sexy time. So I sit there thinking of how he was calling out my name before and look into his green eyes. He’s asking about my family. Who cooks the most? My dad I say, and then he goes on about loving slowly cooked home roast. I don’t listen. I just look into his green eyes. They are so beautiful.

Is he kind to her? I hope he spends a lot of time with his child. What is he like at home? What was he thinking when he first met me that afternoon? Did he plan it like this?

I mention that I don’t like plain peas. He says he loves peas in whatever form they come. He offers me a leaf of parsley from his plate to spice up my plain peas. We laugh. He starts telling me about his childhood. How they use to steal carrots with other boys. Was he a little boy once? It’s hard to imagine. I finish my food and I go to the toilet, come back and finish the last of the beer he was having, he pays the bill and we are out of there. I’m silent again. Very thoughtful. Half an hour later we are having sex and I’m sweating and holding on for dear life. I’m a screamer. Later, we both have some Fox’s Mints – my mum buys two packets a week – and he tells me his legs feel like jelly.

“You’ve worn me out,” he tells me and chuckles.

“You’ve worn yourself out,” I quip. He laughs and kisses me while doing that thing with his tongue. We part.

As I walk home, I think of Fish and I’m singing in my head…

…You, shimmy shook my bone
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own
What do you think of me
Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep…

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14/07/2010

I think Barclays Boy is married. The first day we met he was driving a different car and I’ve just remembered I saw something like one of those signs you put on your window saying baby on board, only this one said munchkin.

Munchkin = Baby, no?

OK, I’m not sure about this, it could be someone else’s car and maybe I’m trying to looking for something that is not there. Today however, I saw a picture of a woman holding a baby in his wallet. Thrice. I never bothered to so much as linger for more than a few seconds looking at that picture because I don’t want to know. I also don’t care. Really? You ask. Yes, Really.

This is my thought process:

Is BB cheating? Maybe yes, probably not. Why, because I know men. It’s just sex, nothing more. Once he’s had enough of it, he’ll leave and I’ll be more than glad to part ways. If he came to me with that ‘oh-i-really-like-you-and-i-miss you, you-mean-so-much-to-me’ sentimental crap then I’d run away. Fast. And then keep on running some more because that would be the unmistakable reek of an affair. When I think about men sometimes I chuckle because I’ve seen it all. All of it. I’ve seen them in their pathetic and broken man mode, their I love you so much I want to marry you mode, right down to their complete bastard mode.

Nothing surprises me anymore.

 That’s why I remain pertinent on matters men. That’s why I have and never will cheat on a man I love but will try to remain objective when he does. Is it just physical? If yes, can he stop? If the answer is still yes, then we’ll happily move on. If it’s more than just sex, then I’d get very worried and it would be tremendously difficult for me to stay.

BB is going to Wales  for a two-week break next week. He told me his father lives there so he’ll be visiting him. I’m sure he’ll be taking his family along,   OK, maybe not, afterall I’m just speculating. While parting today he asked for my phone number and my email address and asked me to think of him while he was away. Eeeerm, OK?

08/07/2010

So, I meet Barclays Boy at around noon, I get in his convertible (different car from the other day) and he’s driving his way through town, heading for the park he told me about and I’m thinking ‘God help me, I hope my mum does not see me, or worse my dad.’ Luckily, nothing of the sort happens and I let out a sigh of relief and take in the cool and crispy country air as we are finally out of town. Speeding away on a quiet country lane, I keep thinking of how  random our meeting was while he keeps glancing at me now and again.

We get to the park, he takes out the picnic stuff he brought and we walk along trying to find a secluded place to sit down. We finally find a little jetty which states clearly that it’s only for the fishermen and other members of the public are prohibited. We jump across the fence, cut through a little bush and go for it. We sit by the jetty and start talking about how beautiful it is while dangling our feet in the water, then he kisses me and grabs my waist to pull me closer. I close my eyes and we make out for a few minutes before having the drinks and chocolate he brought. We then continued talking about work, his and my yet-to-be-found job, sailing, surfing and my poor swimming skills. We stay there for about an  hour before heading to Starbucks for coffee.  He then informs me that he has to find something for his car breaks. I say something because I don’t know what, as soon as he mentioned car breaks I thought ‘meh, men and their cars’ and promptly stopped paying attention. We go to Halfords, Argos, Wilkinsons and they don’t  have this thing. Just as I’m about to tire of this man-shopping we eventually find it at B & Q.  We head to town where he drops me off after a long kissing session and we promise to meet on  Wednesday.

Now here’s how it is: I don’t fancy him and neither is he very attractive but I can work with that because I don’t want a relationship with him and he doesn’t seem to want one either. He didn’t give me his phone number and I’m not going to ask for it. He knows where I live and  I told him I live with my parents. I don’t know where he lives exactly. I don’t want to find out unless he takes me there himself. I’m going to keep this very simple. I’ll meet him next Wednesday as promised and if it leads to anything it’s going to be purely physical.

Now back to job hunting.

20/06/2010

It’s been what? Two weeks now? Just about.

Applications sent: I’ve lost count. I’ve lost count of all the job boards and CV sites I’ve registered myself. Lost count of all the recruitment agencies I’ve called and gone to register my details with. Lost count of all the companies I’ve cold called. I’m very shattered but still going strong. I told myself when I started this:

I’ll be damned if I don’t get what I want

Progress so far: Three responses, one which is very positive and might get me an interview at the beginning of July.

I even had to clean my perpetually messy room and rearrange it so that my reading desk can face the window where enough light was coming through as I decided to sit at my desk with my laptop while doing stuff instead of the usual culprits, the bed or the kitchen table. I need to feel ‘proper’, like I’m doing something.

Now, on to something else that I’ve always wanted to rant about

I am a very sexual person. I love sex, certainly not obsessed with it and can go without it but when it comes to being with someone I love the full sexual experience. I want to be with someone and feel his whole person, experience a fulfilling and mutual connection without any ‘what ifs and buts’, even if it is to last for only a few minutes, I want those few minutes to mean something. I’m the type of person who’ll look at a man I find attractive and think ‘by God, I want to do that man so bad’ but at the back of mind still think ‘if we get into a relationship, I’d stay with him for as along as it takes, even forever’

What am I saying? I’m saying that if I met a man today, found him appealing to me (doesn’t necessarily have to be attractive nor does it have to be love at first sight) I have the ability to have sex with him on that first encounter and yet be able to  enter into a relationship, if w both wanted,  where I’d be faithful and loyal to him. That is just the way I am. Call it a voracious sexual appetite , call it whatever you like but that is me. What I hate is for people to think that a woman can not be like that. That a woman, can not want to fuck a man’s brains out on that first encounter and still make a faithful partner. To me, that’s ridiculous. I’ve never cheated on any man in my life and I never will. I understand that society has an unwritten rule on women and their sexuality but  I like to have my own rules on this issue. The way I see it is, if I met a man and we got to know each other and he judged me solely on my sexual appetite and they way I went about it and he left me, then that’s his loss because he didn’t stay long enough to see how faithful and truthful I could be to him.

28/05/2010

I’ll tell you what I want to do now:

Have tons of sex.

Alright, maybe not tons of sex but I want a handsome boy by my side. We could talk about silly stuff and laugh or go out for a meal and later get drunk and come back home in the morning and stay in bed the whole day tomorrow.

Or we could watch a  movie, have dinner and an early night then wake up early tomorrow to go for a walk and a picnic, and then spend the evening blasting dance music as we get ready to go out.

What I’m saying really is that I feel lonely. Very lonely and I’m fed up of hearing people talking about what they did with their boyfriends. Or seeing couples walking hand in hand in this lovely weather or kissing at the beach like the two I saw yesterday who couldn’t get their hands off each other. I was at the beach in the evening, sleeping and pretending to sunbathe. Alone on my towel. Oh, I pretended to read too. Yeah, I was at the beach pretending to read  while checking out hot guys and inwardly sniggering at the loved up couples.

You know what made me go the beach? Waking up at 3 pm.

First I was up at 6 am. In terrible abdominal pain. No painkillers in my room so I got up to go to the kitchen to see if the other housemates had any;  nothing in the kitchen, so I went back to my room, tossed and turned until I fell asleep. When I woke up the pain was gone and it was a few minutes to 3. It was hot and sunny outside. I had planned to spend the day working on my assignment but I thought ‘fuck this, I’m going to the beach . I don’t care if I’ll stand out because I’m alone. I don’t care if nobody talks to me. I going the fucking beach.’

And I did. For two hours in my skimpy dress, I lay on my towel, pretended to read, walked by the shore, threw stones in the water, took pictures of myself. Alone. Nobody looked. Nobody talked to me. Nobody approached me. There were all loved up with their families, friends and boyfriends. Having BBQs and drinking. After two hours I left. Alone.