21/10/2010

For two weeks I’ve heard only £5 with me. I bought milk on Monday and spent £2 on a Starbucks coffee while out with BB because he said to share, and I don’t want to look like a leech. But he knows I don’t have any money! So why would he ask that?

Yesterday evening I made fried rice, had it with baked beans and fish cakes. Random combination I know, but I’m eating everything that is in the house just to fill my body so that I don’t starve. Speaking of starving, I’ve had only one meal a day, for two weeks now. I don’t count breakfast because it’s useless. Sometimes it’s just two pieces of toast or a small slice of cheap cake. Oh, I spiced the rice with chillies and rosemary, just to make it taste…nicer?

I now have £0.50 until next week when I get £150 which I’ll have to pay £120 towards my weekly rent, after that I’m supposed to economise the £30 for about three weeks.

Reasons for all that?  I don’t have a job..again! And my mother’s left for work abroad, which was supposed to bring a glimmer of hope in our lives but has turned into yet another source of trouble. There is a lot of paperwork to sort out before she starts getting paid – I was relying on this to keep me going for the time being. I feel like our family is going nowhere, every decision we make no matter how hopeful turns out to be a deadend or a massive struggle before we see any  payback. And I blame my dad! Yes my dad. I might sound like I’m putting too much on him, but there is a huge story I haven’t told on this blog about how he is the cause all of this to us. I’ll tell when all’s well. When this is just a nightmare of the past. But, when will that be? Next year? The year after? Probably never because things never seem to be OK with me.

I’m very scared now especially with my mum away. I have no one and morbid as this may sound but I worry about dying. Alone. Here in this pitiful state. Since she left I’ve heard numerous dizzy spells and felt so weak, I had to grab onto something when walking up and down the stairs of the new shared flat that I moved in. The flat where everyone seems to be cooking and consuming sumptuous dishes! Where I feel harassed. I get into the kitchen and it’s always a case of ‘don’t put that there, you must leave this here’…argh. I don’t care where the bloody vacuum cleaner should be. Honestly.

With BB now I feel used, exploited, whatever other synonyms you know, use them here. I feel like I’m getting nothing out of it. He goes and comes when he pleases. But I’m needy. I literally have no one to talk to, and the little company and physical contact he gives me makes me feel human. Of course he doesn’t know how needy I am because I don’t show it. But, I’m falling apart.

I know I’ve heard very bad times in the past, but these so far are my darkest. I want so bad to get out of here, I’d give anything.

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08/07/2010

So, I meet Barclays Boy at around noon, I get in his convertible (different car from the other day) and he’s driving his way through town, heading for the park he told me about and I’m thinking ‘God help me, I hope my mum does not see me, or worse my dad.’ Luckily, nothing of the sort happens and I let out a sigh of relief and take in the cool and crispy country air as we are finally out of town. Speeding away on a quiet country lane, I keep thinking of how  random our meeting was while he keeps glancing at me now and again.

We get to the park, he takes out the picnic stuff he brought and we walk along trying to find a secluded place to sit down. We finally find a little jetty which states clearly that it’s only for the fishermen and other members of the public are prohibited. We jump across the fence, cut through a little bush and go for it. We sit by the jetty and start talking about how beautiful it is while dangling our feet in the water, then he kisses me and grabs my waist to pull me closer. I close my eyes and we make out for a few minutes before having the drinks and chocolate he brought. We then continued talking about work, his and my yet-to-be-found job, sailing, surfing and my poor swimming skills. We stay there for about an  hour before heading to Starbucks for coffee.  He then informs me that he has to find something for his car breaks. I say something because I don’t know what, as soon as he mentioned car breaks I thought ‘meh, men and their cars’ and promptly stopped paying attention. We go to Halfords, Argos, Wilkinsons and they don’t  have this thing. Just as I’m about to tire of this man-shopping we eventually find it at B & Q.  We head to town where he drops me off after a long kissing session and we promise to meet on  Wednesday.

Now here’s how it is: I don’t fancy him and neither is he very attractive but I can work with that because I don’t want a relationship with him and he doesn’t seem to want one either. He didn’t give me his phone number and I’m not going to ask for it. He knows where I live and  I told him I live with my parents. I don’t know where he lives exactly. I don’t want to find out unless he takes me there himself. I’m going to keep this very simple. I’ll meet him next Wednesday as promised and if it leads to anything it’s going to be purely physical.

Now back to job hunting.