05/10/2010

Good news

My mum’s got a new job. A better paying one. I guess I’ll be seeing my degree certificate sooner than I expected.

Bad news

Last Thursday I went to the city. The big bad city and came back home worringly depressed. I’m a country girl at heart and even though I’ve ‘done’ cities before , I haven’t been to one in about a year, so in essence I get a bit rattled by it. I was going to see someone at a company that was in the heart of the city. Well, I didn’t get to see them, instead I got lost.

I  found myself already tired after the long train journey to get there, add this to the fact that I forgot the map that I had printed out at home last-minute. So, after walking around in circles in the city centre and feeling my confidence plummet by the minute, I really had no choice but to queue at the tourist information centre. I had to because I think I was also starting to have panic attacks. Those élite city boys and girls waltzing past me made me feel this big. Coffees in their hands, dapper suits, getting in and out of fancy cars…that got to me. I started feeling as if everyone was looking at me and sniggering inwardly at how pathetic, poor and out of place I looked, so I had to go inside a building somewhere.

Queueing sheepishly and awkwardly and pretending to be a lost tourist, I asked for the directions. The woman behind the counter seemed nice, but not too nice in that she did not do her job. She checked an address book, wrote down the address and gave it to me. I mean, wasn’t she supposed to actually explain it? Like get up her chair and do some signs with her hands and really explain? Anyway I left. Walked for a further half an hour, felt like shit even more, almost came to tears, then found the place.

It was closed.

I made the long train journey back home, got in the house, and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later, had something really heavy to eat then spent the rest of the night wanting to cry and thinking about BB and those fancy people in the city. He’s probably one of them when he goes to work. The next day I couldn’t get up. I was so depressed that I felt aches all over me. I spent the entire day in bed, then got up to watch some TV and make dinner. Since I was so hungry, I made a quick meal to eat then put something in the oven to cook so I could save it for the next day. I went to bed and forgot about it, until the next morning! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I left the oven on overnight! Thankfully, it was a low setting and it was chicken that had not defrosted properly earlier on otherwise I’d have burned the house down.

That is the state of my mind.

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24/09/2010

A friend mine – probably the only one I made during my time at uni – called me all the way from her holiday in the Mediterranean to tell me how happy she was when she received her degree certificate last week. It made her feel like she had accomplished the most important thing in her life, she said. Did I feel that excitement of having accomplished something? Like really accomplished something? Yes, I told her. It’s a great feeling.

Of course I lied. There was no euphoric mood from me at any time last week because I did not receive my degree certificate. I owe the university £1500, and I won’t be getting that precious paper until I pay up. The phone call made me think, if only briefly, of  my dad. I really needed him to help me with this payment but he let me down. He  prefered instead to spend his summer days at home doing nothing. Let’s just say that this added to the amount of resentment that I already have for him. I don’t like to dwell on it much anyway, and thankfully, the university sent me a transcript so that will do for the time being,  incase  I need to show any proof of my grades. The plan is to pay in installments and be done by the end of December.

Fingers crossed.