22/05/2010

Can you believe me? I was reading The Mammoth Book Of Erotica at work yesterday. I  sat there behind the till reading it and having naughty thoughts while waiting for customers. Yeah, that’s how physically lonely I feel. Anyway, it was a good afternoon. The manager wasn’t there and I was left in charge of not only the place, but also of a new volunteer. So I showed her around and felt really important. She even thought I’d worked there for a long time and was very surprised to learn that it’s only been three weeks since I started. Yay 🙂 I like feeling useful.

I handed in my project. That’s me done. At this point any grade will do as long as it’s not a fail. We have a very small project coming up for about three weeks, so I hope I’ll scrape some marks from that to top up the overall grade. Other than that it’s summer. Very hot and I’m happy to show some skin 😛

12/05/2010

I’m now at uni trying to finish work. Actually, I’m stuck. Very stuck. I don’t want to panic just yet. So, just wanted to blog about this piece of news. It’s currently dated three hours ago so I’m guessing it’s still breaking. When I first saw it my first thought was ‘Blimey girl, are things that bad?’ I mean this girl is all over the place, modelling this and that. Surely life couldn’t be that complicated? I’m glad that I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts despite all the problems I have. I guess it goes to show that you can’t have everything.

11/05/2010

I’m pissed. Really pissed. I’m angry too. I’m tired. I want to give up. Lost all hope e.t.c. All those fucked up ‘I’ve been defeated feelings’.  Since about two weeks ago I’ve been unable to access my account until today. My mother finally called the finance office this morning and I was granted access. I’ve checked all the emails, missed lectures and I just want to scream. I want to scream and never stop and maybe run away somewhere. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. One of my tutors even had to send a letter asking me where I’ve been. She also emailed everyone on my course asking where I was. Worringly titled  ‘Has anyone seen **Dazedlittlemiss?’. I know these people don’t know about my financial situation with the university ( well, maybe they do but I believe only the finance office keeps this information) but I still feel humiliated. I feel inadequate. The deadline for my project hand in is Friday next week and I still have a large amount of unfinished work. It looks like I might make it just in time but I hate that I have to work on a harassed last-minute mode when I could have done this a week ago. Before my account was disabled, my plan was to have the work finished by at least this week and essentially spend next week resting before hand in. I know this is not my fault in any way but I just can’t help feeling useless. I’m trying my best here to be patient, to be focued and be positive about things but  it just doesn’t seem to be working. Everyone in my course seems to have everything under control. I even had a couple of guys from course go to Asia for their project for two months since March and even they made it back in time to start finalising it, even after being stranded for two weeks due to the volcanic ash. I really fucking hate my life. I really do. Not surprising I’ve been in a very foul mood. Pretty much didn’t do anything around the house in the past few days and this girl hasn’t bothered either so everything around here is looking like a dump. I really couldn’t be bothered wether the dished are pilling up on the sink right now. My mind is just clogged up. I spend most of the time spaced out, I can’t even bloody concetrate in public!

26/04/2010

I went to the library’s IT suites today with the intention of doing some catching up on some work I missed out on Friday on the university’s online learning facility. I sat in front of one of the computers and after a few seconds realised my account has been disabled. I immediately knew why. I owe some money. Normally when it gets to this time of the year when almost everyone has already paid there is usually no warnings or a grace period, your account just gets disabled until a payment is made. In the past I’ve always had to go to the account’s office and negotiate and promise to pay on a particular day before I was allowed into my account. Well, today I had no energy for that. I just couldn’t. I’m sick and tired of the humiliation. I hate to know that those people behind the desk at the office are looking at me and judging me. I had spoken to my mother about it during the weekend (she was supposed to make the payment) and she said the reason she didn’t is because she  didn’t have enough funds in her account when the cheque from the university came through, having just paid for some stuff my brother needed for school. It has to be until next week, meaning I can not log in to check my emails or book anything out from the university. Since I was not intending to go to the account’s office I decided to send a text to my mother and then go home. As I was sitting there doing this, this guy walked in. I wa texting and just happened to glance at the entrance door. I hadn’t seen him around in weeks. As usual my heart fluttered. He’s just reminds of King so much all I want to do is look at him. He walked towards the computers on the side I was sitting on and went to sit to the one next to me. Wow. I actually stopped texting and kept on stealing glances from the side of my eye. As he sat down, a girl leaned over to him. I realised this was the girl who was walking behind him. She hummed that song…loving you, is easy coz  you’re beautiful…a bit loudly while she waited as he got something from his bag and gave it to her.  She took it and leaned further to kiss him and then walked away. My heart sunk. Very low. I don’t know if I wanted to die or run away but at that moment my hands just randomly stopped texting and I sat there in a  haze for a few seconds. How fucking lovely. He has a girlfriend who thinks he’s beautiful. I think he’s beautiful too. I think he’s the most beautiful man around but of course I can’t have him. He doesn’t even know I exist. He wouldn’t even want someone like me. I was going to go immediately after texting but I decided to linger around just to watch him. So, there they were. Everyone was being happy with their girlfriends/boyfriends and then there was me: no money even the university has to suspend my account now and then to remind of this and no one to even so much as feign interest in me. I haven’t stopped thinking about this incident since. Fuck me, how lovely is my life?

27/03/2010

Today I went for a walk. I must admit I do love the english countryside. It’s beautiful and when the country air just hits you  feel refreshed. My initial plan was to go to a very famous flower garden that I’ve been to once before…about two years ago but I got lost on the way there, so I decided to take a random wander. As much as I enjoyed this little walk, I was left very nostalgic. Two years ago I was living in a house of three men. One of them grew very close to me. I had just started uni, my depression was spiralling out of control, I was having difficulties keeping up with my course e.t.c and there he was. We use to sit and talk about everything: politics, relationships, cooking, world cultures. Just about everything. Every night we sat in the living room talking and laughing, sometimes watching the occasional movie on his laptop. Our house did not have any TV and the living room window directly faced a viaduct. He said he liked it that way. He said it made us more social. We could sit and talk to each other. I agreed despite my incurable addiction to the box. I loved everything about him. His hair (which he was growing out), his accent (He was from Poland), his hands, his beard (when he shaved I used to grab him from behind by the neck and pretend to be playing around, when all I wanted to do was feel the roughness of his beard on my hand). I can honestly say that this was (still is) the only man I had ever been close to in my life. The only man who I got along with. Ever. He was single and it was his last year of uni in UK. I was in  a long distance relationship. I was also naïve.  He started flirting with me. I flirted back  but I was always scared of things getting out of hand. I did not want to be unfaithful even though doubts about the relationship I was in had begun kicking in long before things got intense with this guy (I’ll call him P). P would come  home from uni everyday and either call out my name to see if I’m home and find out how I was doing, this would then be followed by him making me a cup of  tea and us sitting down for a chat, or upon seeing me in the living room  he would call out jokingly “Honey, I’m home.” We would laugh together. I used to sit across him sometimes in the house and he would look at me and I would feel as if  I was naked before him. Sometimes we would talk and then he would stop and look at me with those eyes. It got to a point where it was so intense and the only thing I could do was rush home to him. He was all I kept thinking about. I wanted him to make love to me. I looked at his hands and imagined how they’d feel on my body. I started deliberately doing things  so that I could touch him. I commented about his hair and  touched it. He did this too.

I remember one day we were at home with the other guys talking and laughing. It was really late. I said I was sleepy but didn’t want to go to bed. He joked and said that I must go to bed, because I was a child (he was six years older than me). I laughed and messed about and before I knew it he grabbed me by my waist and carried me upside down on his shoulders taking me to bed. I started screaming and laughing all the way. I’m not sure whether it was the intense feeling of pleasure I was getting from his hands on my waist and partly on my back or  the feeling of the house spinning as we got upstairs. At the door to my room I wanted and hoped he would come in. He put me down and as he did this, our bodies came together like we were hugging. I was going crazy inside. He patted me telling me to go and sleep and kissed me on my leg (random I know, he was very playful) I went to bed very happy. We went for walks together. We were together all the time. He told me about his work (he was  a design student) he told me about how since coming to UK he had confidence issues but he was getting better. We really spent a lot of time together. The day that he knew I had a boyfriend, he went a bit silent on me. I understood. Things again picked up but after many months the sexual tension took a toll on us. He started going cold on me. I did too, I guess as a form of payback. We had a last train journey together during the end of the winter term. I didn’t see him for a month, when we got back he kissed me on my cheek routine-like, a day later he told me he met someone. He told me as a matter of fact, like you would tell a friend in passing. He was on his phone texting when told me. He was so calm when he did it.

“We were supposed to have started something,” he said and smiled smugly.

“I’m just sending her a text. Maybe I’ll go to see her tonight,”

My heart sank. I sat there looking at him and all I could think of was how handsome he was. It should have been me. I should have been that girl he was texting. I should have been the one he was about to start something with. I just nodded, wished him luck and left him there. Days later he brought her home, they had dinner and went out. He brought her home some more. At this point he was ignoring me point-blank. Sometime he didn’t even say hi to me. I felt as if he was doing this just to spite me. He seemed to be overdoing things when she was around. The way they laughed. They way he talked (loudly) as if to  let me know what exactly was going on. I was so hurt. Really hurt. I can’t even begin to explain. Add this to the fact that at that time I badly wanted out of the relationship I was in.

The first time he brought her home and took her to his room (which was adjacent to mine) to have sex I cried. I cried so much I was taken by surprise. They were laughing and kissing loudly. I wanted to be that girl. Over time I came to learn that he had another girl in Poland. I didn’t know how this was working but he talked about it to the other guys in the house and somehow it felt as if he was in some sort of understanding with this girl he brought around. I don’t know whether the girl in Poland also had an understanding with him. It was all so confusing. I did sometimes have a slight feeling of relief whenever I thought about this. As if this girl had nothing on me, afterall she wasn’t the only one having him. My feelings for him never changed but we had stopped talking now. One day while everyone was in the house, he randomly came to the house and asked everyone to go for a walk with him and this girl, and another friend of his from Poland. I reluctantly said yes. We walked for a long time, got lost a long the way until we  finally got to this garden.

I retraced this path today. I walked along the quiet roads. Looked at all the places, flowers. Nothing has changed. They are just as they were when we were there.  I regret not taking the chance with P. I never stop thinking of what might have been. On the other hand I keep telling myself, maybe I would have ben hurt. On the walk we had I remember even though we hadn’t talked for sometime, he took a picture of me and showed it to everyone around. He said I looked nice. The girl looked at it and said yeah. I guess she just wanted to be polite. On the way back as I walked slowly behind, he urged me playfully to move faster. I don’t know maybe he missed me. Maybe he was punishing me for not giving him a chance. We went to a pub and I sat there with the others as he cuddled with the girl and they talked about how they didn’t sleep the previous night because they were busy with each other. I wanted to scream. We got back home and it was back to not talking to each other. I remember the last time I saw him. It was end of term. I was leaving to go see my parents, he was leaving for his graduation. A friend of his from Poland had come for the graduation and there was a lot of activity going on. He was smart in his black trousers and cream shirt adjusting his tie. He just came downstairs, wished me well in my life and went back upstairs to continue getting ready. Just like that, he was out of my life.