23/02/2010

I feel so helpless sometimes. I want to talk about things and share some of my confused feelings with Fish but anytime I get close to doing that I get scared. I just met this guy over three months ago and as much as he’s nice to me I don’t want to feel like I’m nagging. Yesterday he was asking me about the future plans I had. I had once told him that I plan on moving away from UK, learn a foreign language fluently and probably live in that foreign country. I’ve got my eyes set on somewhere else in Europe. He asked me about those plans. I don’t know how to explain this but I feel as if he asked me this because he wanted at least to hear that  I have considered the option of living in his country. I might be getting ahead of myself here but I got this vibe from that question. I said my plans were still intact and then I wanted to go on explaining that I’m trying to lower my expectations a little bit especially in regards to a career that relates to my degree. I stopped however. I don’t want to be that girl. I want him to see me for who I am before he starts feeling sorry for me because he still doesn’t know 3/4 of the story. I’m also sacred of rejection. I don’t want to end up sharing my feelings and having a reaction from him that I didn’t expect or didn’t want. If I’m honest I’d love to say yes, I would love for a saviour scenario to play out here. For him to hear everything and still want me with all the complications. For him to tell me it’s going to be fine and always be there for me, to support me. Needless to say, this is the real world and sometimes people don’t just do that. I’m trying to save myself from pain. I’ve made a conscious decision not to put myself through pain as much as possible.

PS: Two days earlier we were talking online and I told him I had been crying that evening because I was so ill. He wished me well and then surprisingly  said,”I wish I was there to see that”.

“See me cry? Of course you don’t want to. It’s awful”, I replied.

“No, I think it’s sweet. I think you are an emotional person. I love emotional people”.

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22/02/2010

I’ve decided to start going for walks to prevent me from going insane. Starting tomorrow, the maps will be my friend.

19/02/2010

Went to the bank on Tuesday, tried to increase my overdraft limit. It didn’t happen. First, they asked me why. I told them I’m embarking on a very money consuming project for my degree and I lack the necessary funds. Went through a budget plan with them. They told me they would call me in three hours. In three hours they called to ask for my home address from seven years ago. I gave it to them. I haven’t heard from them since. I hate living in this country.

19/02/2010

This girl that King was cheating on me with sent me an IM a week ago asking me how he was. She apparently had not heard from him in a long time. I told him he’s fine and logged off. The cheek of this bitch. Not to make myself feel better or anything but I believe I touched a nerve with King. He definitely learnt a lesson or two from the ranting I did after I found out about his cheating ways. He cancelled his account on the social networking site where he met this girl. He hasn’t been online on Skype and the other messenger that I used to talk to him with since November. Prior to that he told me things were getting pretty hectic, his dad wasn’t impressed with his performance and he was preparing for his final project. He’s due to finish uni this February. I’m not sitting here waiting for him. I don’t want a man like him but this girl just reminded me of that bullshit. Whatever he does with his life, good luck to him.

16/02/2010

Talked to Fish last night.  He says he misses me and that I am beautiful.