For two weeks I’ve heard only £5 with me. I bought milk on Monday and spent £2 on a Starbucks coffee while out with BB because he said to share, and I don’t want to look like a leech. But he knows I don’t have any money! So why would he ask that?

Yesterday evening I made fried rice, had it with baked beans and fish cakes. Random combination I know, but I’m eating everything that is in the house just to fill my body so that I don’t starve. Speaking of starving, I’ve had only one meal a day, for two weeks now. I don’t count breakfast because it’s useless. Sometimes it’s just two pieces of toast or a small slice of cheap cake. Oh, I spiced the rice with chillies and rosemary, just to make it taste…nicer?

I now have £0.50 until next week when I get £150 which I’ll have to pay £120 towards my weekly rent, after that I’m supposed to economise the £30 for about three weeks.

Reasons for all that?  I don’t have a job..again! And my mother’s left for work abroad, which was supposed to bring a glimmer of hope in our lives but has turned into yet another source of trouble. There is a lot of paperwork to sort out before she starts getting paid – I was relying on this to keep me going for the time being. I feel like our family is going nowhere, every decision we make no matter how hopeful turns out to be a deadend or a massive struggle before we see any  payback. And I blame my dad! Yes my dad. I might sound like I’m putting too much on him, but there is a huge story I haven’t told on this blog about how he is the cause all of this to us. I’ll tell when all’s well. When this is just a nightmare of the past. But, when will that be? Next year? The year after? Probably never because things never seem to be OK with me.

I’m very scared now especially with my mum away. I have no one and morbid as this may sound but I worry about dying. Alone. Here in this pitiful state. Since she left I’ve heard numerous dizzy spells and felt so weak, I had to grab onto something when walking up and down the stairs of the new shared flat that I moved in. The flat where everyone seems to be cooking and consuming sumptuous dishes! Where I feel harassed. I get into the kitchen and it’s always a case of ‘don’t put that there, you must leave this here’…argh. I don’t care where the bloody vacuum cleaner should be. Honestly.

With BB now I feel used, exploited, whatever other synonyms you know, use them here. I feel like I’m getting nothing out of it. He goes and comes when he pleases. But I’m needy. I literally have no one to talk to, and the little company and physical contact he gives me makes me feel human. Of course he doesn’t know how needy I am because I don’t show it. But, I’m falling apart.

I know I’ve heard very bad times in the past, but these so far are my darkest. I want so bad to get out of here, I’d give anything.

I thought I had stuck a fork in it with BB, only for him to track me down. He’s of the numerous e-mail addresses. Turns out he’s separated *shuddering*. I’m not sure I can deal with all that baggage, what with my own heap to deal with. His baby though, is really beautiful. Definitely inherited his father’s mysterious green eyes and has the sweetest little smile in the world 🙂

With this sudden turn of events, I’m now left wondering,  ‘what exactly does he want from me?’ Sex? A short-term thing (sex and more but only for the short-term?) I don’t half understand the bloke. He tells me a lot about his life now and we seem to meet more often than before. I still like to think it’s just a physical thing mainly because I’m not in the position to start caring about a man with a baby. I’m simply not capable of that. It’s too much to deal with. He, however, knows that he can get what he wants from me. He’s better than me in most things. Better life, better job, status, nice car, more experience. He knows this and is using it to get want he wants. The saddest part is that I’m letting him do this to me because I feel at this point in my life, no sane man would want to be with me. It makes me want to cry just thinking of it that way.

Well, I got ticket vouchers worth £10 from the bus company today through the post. This was after I sent two emails, and then another one on Monday morning threatening to take the case to the students advice body if I didn’t hear from them in one more week. I guess that worked because the vouchers came with an apology letter. About time. I think the fact I used my uni email address to communicate with them also helped matters a lot. I think it showed that I have some form of support to turn to so they didn’t dare double cross me.

Anyway, I just started swimming lessons today. It was so much fun and I hope to build my confidence with every lesson that I have, even if it’s just once a week. I’m on a high today because I looked back and it seems most of the things I listed down on sticky notes plastered all over my room seem to be happening. This is really good for me as I desperately need to turn my life around. Now if only I can keep up with the saving and the getting a job bit.

I just started a volunteering  job this week. It’s only about five hours a week but it’s great as it will keep me occupied during the weekend. I also need something to put on my CV for this summer because I want to save money and the only option at the moment is to have more than one job. So, after graduation I’ll keep looking for a serious job. By serious I mean something related to my field of study and then the experience that I’ll be getting from this volunteering position will be illustrated on my CV  in order to get another/any  job(s). I figured that is the only way I’m going to save enough money within a short time. I’m trying to be realistic here. I would hate to just sit at home  applying  for jobs, go for interviews and watch as the days go by without any serious offer materializing. I’d rather do any kind of work and have money coming in for the time being so I can save.

I went out to town today to have lunch and read a book at Costa Coffee. My mum had given me an Easter present in the form of money for a meal out. The previous night I was really stressed and I couldn’t stop thinking about things; life, relationships e.t.c so I had gone to bed with a headache. I have also been experiencing the worst PMS episode ever. It came with terrible and I mean crippling breast pain. I considered going to the GP because I was getting scared but then I got advice from Bupa and NHS online that says this is normal for most women during this time, and that in fact stress makes it worse. Well, it seems I’m in a bottomless pit here. The only way to get out is to wait for the period to be over and try to control my stress levels.

Anyway.

So today, determined to feel good I got out of the house and got the bus. I normally get a discount because I have a student’s card but today I was told, counts as a bank holiday and students have to pay the normal fee. I had £40 in my purse. Having no more than the £1 coin I had expected to use, I whipped out a crisp £10 note and handed it to the driver. This driver by the way was an hour late! Yes, an hour late, operating on the Sunday timetable. That means, there was no bus to town for two hours. I stood freezing and mildly rained on at the bus stop for 40 minutes waiting for the bus. Right, with the £10 handed, the driver said he had no change so he gave me a ticket voucher  and a few coins. I grasped the voucher and the coins in my hand, looked at it for a few seconds. I was confused because I could see it seemed less than what I was expecting to get. He thought I’d never seen these credit vouchers, so he started explaining to me what they were. I told him I knew that. I went to sit down, so that I could count properly. I checked what was supposed to be given back to me on the calculator in my phone and turned it out I was right. He gave me less change. I decided to wait for a stop where someone was getting off to ask him about this.

I did. He denied giving me less change. He said he was pretty sure I gave him £5. He insisted. I tried to be calm about it, but I couldn’t so I started raising my voice. He kept saying that wasn’t true. I asked him why did he think that I would lie? Afterall I agreed to pay the huge ‘normal people’ fare. He kept denying it. At this time I was so furious so I turned to everyone on the bus and asked,

“Did anyone see me give him £10?,” they looked at me as if I was speaking in tongues. A woman at the front said she couldn’t know because she just got in after me. The rest kept quiet. I sighed turned to the driver and continued.

“You are not getting away with this. I gave you ten pounds.”

“Well, you have to wait until I clock off at the end of my shift and if I turn up with an extra five-pound note, then you will get it back”

“So, what do I do before then, do I just wait? I want to speak to headquarters and report about this.” I finished.

He told me to sit down and wait for us to get to the end of the route, where he promised we would discuss it. At the end of the route, I waited for everyone to get off and then went to him. He got a complaint form out and filled in my details and my contact number. I was so pissed at this point I was practically shouting at him. Afterwards he said he would leave this at the office and if an extra five pounds turns up then they would know its mine and call me and I would get it back. I said how could I be sure this would happen. He said to call the customer service number on the timetable outside the bus and tell them  about the incidence and that he took my details. I got out of the bus, promptly took the number on the timetable and called. The main countrywide office was open but the regional one was closed. I decided to save this number. I’m going to try calling tomorrow because I see they open on Saturdays, if not then it has to be Tuesday. I walked down to the high street and I couldn’t help it but start crying. I was so overwhelmed, so I decided to sit down on one of the town centre benches to catch my breath. Here I was, trying to feel good and then this. What a downer on my moods. I also started saving £10 a week since last month, so this has set me back. Why is it that I want to do something to change my life, or really to just change a single day in my life and something like this has to happen? What exactly did I do wrong? You would expect, it being Good Friday and all that goodwill would fall upon all mankind, no matter how undeserving, being that Jesus died today to save all men e.t.c. Or do I have to wait for the resurrection day on Easter Sunday for things to be extra fine for me?

I did learn something about myself today though: I’m very feisty. I’m sure those people on the bus didn’t expect a little looking girl like me to kick up such a fuss. I think that’s my strong point. And I promise you, if he hadn’t been so civilised as to tell me to wait to get to the end of the route to take my details I would’ve thrown a bloody tantrum and wrecked havoc in that fucking bus. I will not take bullshit from anyone, especially since I put with so much crap in my personal life. So, instead of a meal out, I went for a hot chocolate at Costa, tried to read, I couldn’t. I was just feeling awful. After the hot chocolate,  I went to get some ingredients for pancakes and a bottle of vodka, which I’m downing right now as I type this. What a lovely day that was, eh?

Despite all the nastiness I get in my life, I always try to find something good,even if it’s really insignificant, so today the highlight of this crappy day was the skin head I saw while waiting for the bus. He looked like he was fresh out of This Is England. He had a clean-shaven head, red combat-like boots, jeans rolled up to the near the knees, and red suspender like belts hanging from his waist. He bought a  sandwich from a shop, got out and started eating it while throwing out the tomatoes on the road. he didn’t have a care in the world and looked like he could do some mean things to someone but then juxtaposed with this is the fact that he also looked so handsome and harmless. I couldn’t stop looking at him. I could see beneath the tough guy surface that this guy had the potential to be really nice. I concluded that he must be rather ignorant and set in his ways. I thought if maybe he hanged out with a  different crowd and probably went to university e.t.c, he would now be cruising right past me in his expensive car while I stood there waiting for the bus. I smiled.